Monday, November 15, 2010

why am I so down tonight? I don't have any reason to be. Not a single good reason. I just feel like nothing is right. Of course, that's not true at all. I'm going to an awesome university, I have an awesome family, a few awesome friends, an amazing girlfriend, I'm making straight A's. Those aren't the things getting to me. I'm in that kind of mood where I mess up on fucking pacman and I feel like I'm a failure at life. The little things are getting to me. I bite my nails... can't help it. But my right pointer got chewed on too much today and now it hurts like a bitch. I have a headache that won't go away and I don't know why it's here. It's not an addiction headache. It feels like a sinus headache, but I can breathe. Well, mostly. More than usual, we'll say. I haven't been staring at a computer screen or tv for hours today, so its not that. Whatever. The finger takes precedence, especially while I type this.

I just don't understand why some days are like this. It was supposed to be a good day. It was puppy day. The Waco Humane Society brought puppies onto campus and we got to play with them... which I did. Instead of studying for the test today, which I never did get around to studying for, so I guess we'll see how that goes.

I feel the freshman 15 happening more and more every day, which I thought wouldn't be an issue, especially with my awesome metabolism, and usually it's not an issue, but my mind puts it on the list of problems just to make it seem longer. I'm so dramatic. I hate my mind sometimes. When I start realizing all the small things that are wrong, it finds other things that really don't matter just so I can make that list infinitely long. The shower next to my room doesn't get hot, so I have to walk down the hall to the other one. Not a big deal? You'd think not, right? Whatever.

I don't feel very productive right now. What I mean is, I'm not very productive right now, and I don't feel like fixing it. I need to be productive right now more than I've needed to be for weeks, and when it comes time, I just don't wanna. I don't feel like it at all. I have to get this schedule thing together for Thursday morning, I have to study for another test tomorrow... those are the two biggies. Just two, and its really not that hard to do either. But I've managed to put both off and just do things like play (and suck at) ms. pacman and galaga. Not even video games from the right decade. I'm so lame.

Maybe I'll do something crazy like work out, just to keep avoiding working. Maybe then I'll at least feel productive on some level. Again, it's whatever.

Apathy is starting to hit now that the semester is nearing its end. Why am I trying? To make good grades? Why am I making good grades? To get a degree? So? So I can get some good, high paying job? Is that supposed to make my life better? What comes after that? Why did I buy into this whole college thing? Is all this really worth it? Did I just make a whole paragraph out of questions?

The loud kid in my hall just yelled out 'vagina' really loudly. It's nearly midnight. Was that really necessary? This is what I live with. To add to it, the kids across the hall just completely cranked their new stereo system that they're so proud of. It has 2 subs I think. They like rap, but they've been known to rock out to Miley or t swift.

I'm so glad I didn't get through to the next round of CL tryouts. If I actually had made it through the interview process, I might have had to live here another year.

I can't think of anything else to talk about right now. Nothing seems worthy of discussion. Nothing really seems important right now. Not homework, not the schedule, not sleep, not food, not life.

sigh. oh life.

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