Tuesday, November 3, 2009

oh just for kicks...

you know its been too long since the last post when it forces you to log in again even though you have it set to do that automatically....

i really dont have a point to this at the moment. it wasnt like 'oh thats a great idea, i'll go write something about it!'. no, this was more of a 'oh i'm bored and i havent posted in awhile and i feel kinda bad about it so i think i'll go write about something and ramble on since i cant sleep anyway'.

the no sleep thing is kinda weird, since we fell back an hour over halloween. you'd think i would be able to sleep, since 11 feels like 12, but no. so here we are. oh, halloween. very entertaining. the friday before, the 30th, i dressed up like a pirate. not for halloween, but for the senior prank that everyone, and i mean just about EVERYONE pansied out of. it really only works when lots of people do it - not 6. but anyway, the next night, for the first time in my life, i didn't go trick or treating, mostly. i went to a party instead, and since it was a halloween party and i had my pirate outfit from the day before, i grabbed it and changed it up a little from my fighter pirate to my party pirate. i exchanged my sword for a bottle of rum. i figured that and some light eye liner to go with it was different enough to pass by the people who had seen me on friday. at the party, we ended up going trick or treating, but only to one specific house: Mr. Director Samuel Scott Mason's most humble abode. i cant say i had ever seen his house before that. its a nice, modest one story with a fairly well kept yard. we rang the door bell, but the only thing that answered was a little white blur through the glass of the front door that was barking at us.

what are the odds, mason doesnt do halloween.

no happiness.

anyway, after that, i thought i was done with good ol' pirate outfit, but no. the church i go to has an annual church halloween party. the high schoolers set up a haunted house / scare the crap out of you house for the middle schoolers, then we all eat and watch some halloween movie. this year we watched scooby doo. they met up with the granddaughter of ichabod crane in happy little sleepy hollow. anyway, you can go watch it yourself.... i wouldnt wanna spoil anything. so back to the pirate outfit.... considering it was a church party, i didnt grab another bottle of rum (another because i ended up leaving the first one at the party), but went back to the sword. but, i couldnt just be a normal pirate, so i added some HEAVY black eyeliner and fake blood everywhere, staining the white shirt, fake slits on my neck and face, sharpie tattoos on my arms, some quazi-five oclock shadow... i went crazy with it.

this picture was actually taken after the fact, so i was looking a little more casual than for most of the night.

ok, so you know when you pass a kid that was in one of your elementary school classes and they remind you of those days? well that happened to me today. after school, i passed catherine welch. i think thats how you spell it. and thats the name she went by in 5th grade. i dunno if she ever took up her real name, leah. anyway, i sat next to her most of the year in 5th grade, since our last names were so close. i never really got to know her, and after 5th grade i'm pretty sure we never spoke again. we went our seperate ways, finally being given enough freedom to have an identity and a group of friends that we fit into. thats when cliques started - middle school. they couldnt exist in 5th grade, since they forced us to stand here, eat here, sit there, do this, think that, and so on. all we had was recess. but since we only knew the kids in our class due to the lack of freedom, we just chose to stay with kids in that class, since it was them that we were most comforable with. no freedom = no separation = no cliques. middle school, we at least got to hang out in the hallways, we had one elective that first year to start separating into groups based on interests, and we didn't have assigned lunch tables, at long, long last.

but yeah, i passed her today, and it made me think about how simple life was in 5th grade. very little responsibility, very little freedom. we couldnt drive anywhere. couldn't even go get a meal by ourselves. couldn't get to our friends house alone unless it was by bike, and even then we had to borrow the phone to check in when we got there. our parents took us shopping and only bought what they liked. no girl drama, since we didn't really like girls yet. i had my crushes, but i wasnt getting a girl friend any time soon. now days, we have to keep track of girl drama, money, a job, classes, actual homework, what to wear, how to fit in, what clique we're in, and on and on we go..... but hey, we have cell phones and cars. worth it? i guess its all just how you look at it. growing up can be fun, but it can be a pain in the ass. it should be a pain in the ass if youre doing it right. if youre just sliding by, still having your parents take care of all your responsibiliites... man, youre screwed for college. mommy and daddy are only there for so long. take care of your own crap. like the seat belt ticket i got....i took care of that on my own. there was no "oh no, mommy, i got a ticket, go take care of it for me!" i know we live in coppell, but grow a pair and do it yourself. take things into your own hands, because you're gonna have to sometime. i'm not saying dont go to your parents ever, but dont use them as a continuing crutch. we grew out of that one.

wow, i guess i can ramble for awhile even when i dont have anything to talk about. go me. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a little more than once a month from now on, so i wont keep you waiting tirelessly so much anymore, since i know how much you just live for my blogs. toodles.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

An Ode to College

Dear [Valued Prospective Student],

We provide so much that you will prefer!

Sex, drugs, booze…

Oh, sincerely, sir, I concur.

We made the top 10 in these,

The world-renowned something-or-another is here,

Honestly, guys,

I’m just in it for the beer.

You matter to us, [name],

Your SATs are so high!

High? Sure, I’m in.

It might help me get by.

Plus, we offer so many scholarships,

You’ll practically get in for free!

How much of that money you get

do you think I’ll actually touch?

Why the hell are you telling me?

We know your future is important,

So we want to help you succeed!

Mk, sure. I’ll go to class.

But not before I get my weed.

We really want YOU, [student],

So put your name here, on the dotted line!

Fuck it, as long as I get my TV shows,

Show me where to sign.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

oh, band...

alright, so i just finished posting my little piece to facebook about caring about band and how we need to step it up. and i agree with everything i wrote.

but i feel like a dirty hypocrite for writing it. i like that i did, but i hate myself for it, since i feel like the bad guy. is that normal? to do something responsible and mature and feel bad for it because its not the cool thing to do? should i feel guilty for that? i dont think so, but i do anyway. the hypocrite part comes in because i like goofing off during band. i like talking and muttering all kinds of bad things to mason as he dictates. i love saying 'screw it, i have 'leadership duties' and can just fall out' and use that as an excuse to not march for a while. i love abusing my power. but its completely wrong and i know it.

i'm glad i chose to be section leader. this way, i am supposed to make the difference, instead of waiting for someone else to, since theyre in charge. if i wasnt section leader, i have a feeling things would fall apart even worse than they have for the trumpets. i'm not trying to be all narcissistic or egotistical...i really believe i have served the section for the better, despite my silliness. if i wasnt section leader, i would be writing that facebook note anyway by this point, maybe earlier, and in addition complain about the incompetence of those above me. luckily, only other people can complain about my incompetence, so thats one problem avoided... i guess. i cant sit back and take the back seat, passively watching things happen. i needed to be where i am, with the ability to change minds and have people listen. i needed that power to make a difference. sure, sure, i could do it without. i could be the life of the section without a title, but this makes it so much easier. just the title gets the section listening. lets hope what i have to say makes them listen more.

i know i'm not perfect, but i really just want to make the section better.... one in my section said this one a while ago:

"Kyle, I liked it better when you weren't section leader... You weren't an asshole then."

that sure made my day. when the only option is to gain respect through frustration, i've done something wrong. when i have to yell to make people listen, something is wrong. maybe its not me. maybe this certain person just doesnt like authority and people having control over him.

another person, when asked why he screws around during band, answered

"because band is so boring! it just helps pass time"

why be in band at all. why do it if its boring. why put up with mason's crap if you dont care. i would rather you quit than take down the section, but i'm stuck with several people who are forced to be there by their parents. stupid parents who don't care about the success of our group. if you dont want to be there, you dont try. when you dont try, you do things that distract others and make them not try. its contagious. i learned that in boy scouts. about 90% of them are there against their will. it makes maintaining the peace next to impossible. just a handful of these kids in the band brings the whole section to the ground. so what am i supposed to do about them? encourage them to quit to their face? i cant do that. not march them? too late. they dont wanna march anyway. they make the other kid do it. but seriously, what can i do? ignore them? even if i do, the other kids wont. he's still a distraction. they are still distractions. plural. i can only get mad in the hopes that they respond to something. anything. but apparently not.

does this mean i fail as a section leader? or that they fail as band kids? or both? does the fact that the section as a whole is awful mean i have failed? or that it was a doomed, impossible mission from the start? a simply unobtainable task? i cant believe that. i should have the ability to change the section into the section that cares and tries and succeeds. its my fault they arent good. i have them to blame, but what good is that. i have myself to blame just as much, if not more.

i feel as if i have failed my section. yes, they are dumb. but not untrainable. dogs can be trained. monkeys can be trained. FISH can be trained. but mine cant? yes, they can. i just cant do it. i dont know the secret formula for respect. i cant even get them to stand at attention. how is it i knew how as a fish, but they dont now? was that leadership better at their job, or did i just care more? i cant tell. why did i care, if thats the case? because i bought into the whole band idea? well why did i do that? the leadership? mason? my own personal feelings? if its one of the first ones, where have i gone wrong? why cant my freshmen buy into this whole band concept?

i have failed.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

various things that are on my mind.... you get used to it.

ok there is a story behind this one. I got bored. that's the short version.

the longer version is that i was with some friends and watched the band video from sophomore year and saw all the graduated kids and the old traditions that went away with them and all the fun we had back then when we werent in charge. then i went home and decided to write about it, but at the same time, i was bored of writing like normal. so i decided to mix it up a little and try my hand at writing all formally. so dont laugh at me if it sucks; i think its a good first attempt.


Nostalgia claims the best of men; the strongest of the human race is no competition for time. Always victorious, time claims as its own that which man knows, those who man loves, and moments which cannot be recreated. A moment is just that - a small pocket of time that in just another moment has been stolen from a person, leaving in its place only a memory, which is similar to a picture of a dead family member - captured forever, never changing, but never reality. That person will never speak or laugh or love again, nor be there when his loved ones need him - he is reduced to that picture, just as time is constantly reduced from present to past.

A good memory is an ironic, paradoxical thing. It is a joyful time or action to remember, a wonderful thing to recount and pass on, and a time to bring back into the mind to help move onward and maintain happiness in this life. It is also that which mocks man, reminding man that what he is now can never be what he was then, that he may never recreate the glorious circumstances that made the memory. he longs for the feeling associated with the memory, be it love happiness, belonging, order, relevance, or a number of other similar feelings and emotions that can be embodied in a memory and stolen from man by the greedy unforgiving elements of time. Nostalgia, to man, then, is not the happiness of the remembered, but the melancholy longing for that which he does not have and cannot recover, no matter the amount he is willing to sacrifice.

When the bad is forgotten and all that remains is the pure good and joy of life, complete with loving relationships, man cannot keep his mind from these memories, these moments time has taken forever, leaving him so ironically somber.


so anyway, that was my little proper rambling of the day, even though i didnt immediately put it here like everything else i ramble about. speaking of things i ramble about....

why is homecoming such a big deal? who said, "oh! lets go spend hundreds of dollars on each other and call it affection! lets go to a dance that socially awkward people arent invited to so we can have a reason to laugh at them on monday! lets come up with an excuse to make people socially conform. again."? really. who did that. who turned a simple alumni gathering into such a commercialized commotion where everyone has to spend money or they're stupid? where everyone has to spend money or theyre a bad boyfriend? or a lousy, uncaring person? and the real question.....why doesnt anyone question it?! why do we put up with it?! does it make us feel good? is that the reason? does it make us feel accepted to be doing the same thing as everyone else? is it that sorta thing? what could possibly motivate us to do this.
christmas is different. its a worldwide tradition of the centuries and it feels good to get a specific, personalized item for a person in the form of a present. with homecoming, personalization is putting the names on the plastic flower. the present looks just like everyone else's. its not special. its only special if they spent more money on it than everyone else. thats what makes it different. christmas presents can be cheap and mean the world to someone. the only thing that makes mums worth it is taking all the time to DO IT YOURSELF. that shows that you care. spending time on it - taking your valuable time and spend it making a stupid mum. the mum isnt worth anything. its a symbol, thats all. sure, it costs way too much, but cost and worth are different. if you get yours made or delievered, it really is worthless. i'm sorry, but i hate you for getting it ordered. you have the wrong idea. an ugly, homemade mum beats a fancy, expensive, perfect factory ordered one any day of the week.

so. the new season of the office starts tomorrow along with all my other favorite thursday nbc shows (including community, the new one with the guy from derrick comedy), the cowboys play a home game this weekend, house starts next week.... tv in the next few days is looking pretty good. this is the time of year my grades go down hill...but not this year, because im a senior, and they dont give us homework anymore.

ok thats a lie. i have so much crap due on friday its not funny. but having only 5 classes sure gives the illusion of less homework from each class. i know band and advanced reading and calculus have virtually no homework ever. macro has reading every once in a while. english..... oh english.... has a few long term projects, homework and outside reading and the whole 9 yards. its just silly. one class will be the death of me. and what do i have to show for it?

3 grades. but really 2, because one's still blank. all that work, and i only have 2 grades in the class in almost 4 weeks. what the heck.

anyway, i'm done for now. be back next time i'm bored. :]

Monday, September 14, 2009

i'm in a bits and pieces mood, so deal. its not a paragraph, but its not really a poem either. its just....lines.

do you ever feel like nothing could go wrong?
even when you know for sure things are going wrong as you think?
it seems totally backwards, to be in a good mood
when there isnt anything going for you.
but sometimes it happens.
while i knew there was just so much drama in my life,
and so much wrong with my life,
nothing could spoil my hopes.
i was overjoyed and overconfident,
thinking i could just sway things in my direction.
oh how stupid.
i simply put aside the bad,
ignored it completely without knowing it.
i refused to let myself acknowledge the world going on around me,
refusing to let myself know how it was going to end.
then it ended.
and the world crumbled,
but i stood with a blank stare,
simply trying to comprehend what was happening,
because i hadnt thought of this possiblility.
it caught me offguard.
it wasnt an option, but it was happening anyway.
i should have seen that coming.
i wasnt in control.
i couldnt sway anything.
it wasnt my choice to make.
i really should have seen that coming.

oh well.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

back into the swing of things.

thought of school first? well so did i. so lets start there.

yes indeed, school is underway. already the 2nd week. time flies when .....you only have 5 classes. thats right. there is no fun being had, but at least its better than freaking junior year, right? i dont mind this whole school thing for once. as a friend put it, its our last year of free education. that made me think how spoiled i was... i get an education until i'm 18 for free (well, taxes, but you know what i mean), and all i ever do is complain about it. i might as well get something out of it for a year, especially since most of it doesnt mean much. sure, there are AP classes, but being this close to going away to college and stuff..... it just makes high school seem more like day care.

but hey, i have advanced reading, which is actually one of the deeper classes i've ever taken. it sounds like a blow off class because it is, but only if you want it to be, like most blow off classes. then there's macro, which is totally fascinating to me. i finally found a class that just kinda clicks in my mind. i get it. and i like it. this doesnt happen a lot, so be amazed. its not memorization so much as it is logic. and it has like, A REAL PURPOSE. thats the best part. it applies. it isnt a research project on a dead poet or learning a language that will never be spoken outside of the classroom... its analyzing the recession we're in now and finding ways of not being as affected by it. its realizing what you have to go through as a business. its looking at how the world worked in the past, how it works now, and how it'll work years and years from now. its the most applicable class i've ever taken.

then theres english, which has 2 long term projects, we had a timed writing test grade on the second day of school, right now we're picking our way through beowulf... lets look at this. what does identifying another appositive have to do with my life at all? when the hell am i going to need to analyze old english poetry?

then theres band, which is the closest thing i have to a hobby, i guess.... it never goes away though. honor band 1st, practice during 6th, section leader meeting during 7th, after school band, rinse and repeat. right now i have band for about 6 hours a day. thats no hobby, thats prison. especially without mr. davis.....damn doctorate.

enough school. i'm back into other swings of things besides the daily school thing. besides, i've been waking up early for weeks now for (oh wait for it...) band. hard work and homework are nothing new to me, i've been working on an eagle project at home for months. no no, i have plenty of other things to fall back into. but right now its just about midnight and i have plenty of homework i've been procrastinating for hours..... yet another habit i've quickly readapted to this new school year.

if you read this, do tell. i have no way of knowing how many people read this, so i dunno if i'm actually talking to someone when i write these, or just kinda into the nothingness of the internet.

i'll be back to talk about something more meaningful than school sooner or later. :]

Sunday, August 9, 2009


have you ever been coming off of a caffeine buzz and realized that your life just sucks?

i mean, been all hyper and caught up in the moment, living life as it comes for those few hours, too distracted and hyper to actually think, too crazy to think or care about life in the big picture sense?

too crazy to think about the past?

too hyper to think about consequences?

too distracted to think of your problems at that moment?

its nice, isnt it?

but then you realize, slowly, what you said, what you did, and then you add that to the problems you already have, that you're starting to re-realize, and to the nostalgia that you get when you think of more simplistic days. you realize there is so much crap in your life, and you just spent the last hours doing the completely irresponsible thing of just ignoring it. caffeine is a drug. and its an addictive one; not just because it has chemicals that make your brain crave it and make your head burst with throbbing pain if you go too long without it, but also because it lets you escape. it makes everything seem ok. remember, this isnt pot i'm talking about. and its not some crazy hippie pill that makes your kitchen sink's disposal fly into the air and attack your little sister. its the thing they put into soft drinks. coffee. chocolate. its perfectly legal. and i'm an addict.

i dont like coming back to the world, realizing that all there is is pain. too many problems, too much anger, too much sadness to deal with, and it all just results in pain. whether it be the emotional pain of having my girlfriend mad at me..... again....... or the physical pain of having a few dr peppers eat away at the lining of my otherwise empty stomach, there is nothing but pain. i wish it didnt have to be like that. i wish it could all disappear and leave me with my toy cars and a tire swing, army men and an imagination, under a cool autumn sun with a pleasant breeze. back when the worst problem of my world had no consequence, and no one could get hurt. what am i going to play today, fire fighter or astronaut, with the new refrigerator box? what am i going to ask grandma to cook me today? bubbles or no bubbles in the bath tonight? pressing issues, these things. not "what am i going to do about a mad girlfriend, or 100 ignored boy scouts that i'm in charge of, or a trumpet section, or summer reading, or a pissed off mr mason, or my stagnant eagle project, or the people waiting for me to call them back about that eagle project, or the parents who want it all done NOW, along with the yard and pool?" those were nonexistent. i couldnt have imagined this kind of responsibility or pressure or stress. and i hear it doesnt go downhill from here. i heard junior year was the hardest, but no. this is much worse. this is the real world.

and there's no escaping it, no matter how much caffeine you put into your system.

Monday, August 3, 2009

why do we try?

i am in band. yay band. wait. yay band?
after the first day today of our official senior year of band, i've come to realize something.

i dont care.

the only thing that kept me in band was mr. davis. i like playing my instrument, but not enough to put up with that wretched man we sometimes compare to a puppeteer, a god, satan, mother earth, a robot, and so many other things. now that he's gone, and replaced with the worst possible thing possible - a man with a teaching style much like fucking sanchez's, i cant stand it anymore. i might just go tell mason i quit and walk out. i have the region music. i dont need all this fucking pressure to go with it. i'll just learn the damn music and go to region. get a solo and go to solo. thats the most important part of our program anyway, right? why do the rest of it. its my senior year. i dont want to put up with this crap anymore, and now that davis is gone, there really just isnt any reason to. sure, sure, that feeling you get when they call our name out when we make finals or win or get third at state is great and all, but lets face it. its a BOA year. they hate us. we're fucked and we all know it.

i can either stay in band for another 177.5 hours of rehearsal (probably more - thats just the rest of summer and after school rehearsals), or i can devote that 7.4 DAYS to more productive things, like eagle scout so my parents will help pay for college. so i can get INTO college. so i can get scholarships and jobs. thats important. this band shit is crap. what is it on some job application in any state but this one? what is it on most job applications IN texas? nothing. 'leadership'. yeah. in some stupid freaking high school, amature band. first trumpet in the DSO. thats something people understand. and how do i get there? sure as hell isnt marching band.

so why the heck do we try so hard? i ask every band kid i know 'why do we stay in band?' and they all have the same response: "hmmm........i dont know." well neither do i. its about time i did something about it too. why am i section leader? what are the benefits? i get yelled at. i get blamed. i get another 20 pounds added to the backpack of responsibility i'm already wearing. wooh. why do i stay in marching band? so i can get out in the hot and sweat? so i can get yelled at some more? so i can waste another 178 hours of my life? well thats just great. i guess i have all the reasons in the world to try.

Monday, July 27, 2009

growing up is icky sometimes.

ooh ooh, excitement! people are ....wait for it..... following me! and in turn i can follow them, now that i know they exist! its like one big stalker circle where everyone can follow everyone around forever and ever! wooh!

and with the word "wooh" i am sadly brought to the topic of my mother. again.
"wooh" reminded me simply because i said "woot" rather unenthusiastically when she said something i was supposed to be excited about, but clearly wasnt. i cant remember what it was, but when i responded with a dull "woot", mom turned to me with a funny look on her face and was like "what does that mean?" My dad, who is slightly less out of it than her, looks up from his book and says "Christy, it means 'whippie.'" he made sure to say it with a look that made it clear he was holding back laughter. she is such the joke of the family. always out of the loop, with the illusion of control.

sadly, she actually does have some control, since she grounded both my brother and me for a week. dad, who felt out pain but could do nothing about it but turn a blind eye, strangely seemed to disappear whenever visitors came over during this grounding. he is so helpless - subject to the woman, the queen of the house. we men never do anything at all apparently. she came home and all the things she didnt tell us to do werent done! so naturally, we were grounded for not balancing our lives correctly. all play and no work, she said. now, to be fair, she's quite right. i avoid work whenever possible until the very last possible minute, but she didnt exactly tell us to accomplish anything that day. so we both went out and played. hung out with friends. went out to eat. all the things teenagers do during the summer. but can we get away with normal things? surely not in the household my mother upholds. normal... what an absurd thought. we cant be normal, no sir. thats simply not permitted. we must rise above normal blah blah blah blah.

we've probably all heard the speech. i won't reiterate.

but theres a second part to all this that you dont know about. my mother is a dreadful grounder. a little sweet talking and begging here and there goes a long way. her mind says be mad, but her heart wont let her keep her promised grounding for more than a day or two. so by saturday, she tentatively approved things like birthday parties and hanging out with friends and just plain leaving the house.

my whole family gives off a slowly fading image of perfection. we used to eat together every night at the dinner table and talk about our days and all that. my parents always smiled and complimented each other and the two sons; we all got along great. now its becoming clear that perfection is not the word for our family. it could be that our family is falling apart slowly, but i think its more that i'm just getting older and more objective about things, instead of accepting that mommy and daddy are faultless gods. now little kyle can see how mad mommy gets when daddy runs to his friends house 3 times in a week to have fun, since he clearly doesnt have any when he's under her Nazi rule in his own house. and little kyle can see the impatience mounting in mommy whenever a nasty kid leaves another sock in the kitchen or another shoe by the door, and that she's always preparing to go volcanic on those bratty kids again if she finds just one more... but mostly, what i've come to realize is that its not mommy and daddy, as a single. but mom and then dad, two very different people with different views and different friends and philosophies and roles. apparently, they either used to agree on everything, or they compromised behind the kids' backs and came to some agreement and enforced together. its the perfect plan... till the kid catches on. then it looks more like dad is reluctantly following the nazi's orders and the nazi has shamefully realized that she hates herself for being so controlling.

anyway, these are the musings of a sleep deprived teenager, so try not to analyze them too much or anything, but you gotta admit. its got some truth. your family is probably similar. maybe flip flop the roles, maybe take away a kid or add a few, but i think that from the kids perspective, all families stop being perfect as you grow up and become self aware. parents arent just parents; theyre people too. and even people with steady jobs and a secure home and mostly stable family have problems that they cant always hide. even to their own kids, eventually.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I dont really know what i'm supposed to write anymore. i dont have any particularly insightful rants right now, i dont really have any drama, i dont even have homework to bitch about right now. i dont have a poem, story, or song. i dont have a fun story. but i feel like i should write something. its been too long since i've said anything. and everytime i get on the computer, i feel guilty because i see my little blogspot icon and it reminds me i havent writen anything lately. That one over there? Yeah, that little bugger is a demonic little reminder. the facebook button over to its left is very distracting during homework too....

anyway, i clicked it finally, and here i am. and now i realize that i just dont have anything to write about except not knowing what to write about. coincidentally, thats exactly what i did for SAT the first time... i wrote about not knowing what to write about on the SAT. kinda ironic, but it was fun to write. if i can get a grader to give me 5 out of 6 on that, the same concept should work here, right?

ok maybe not. but apparently, it held their attention pretty well. i guess i'll think of something then, huh?
...ok how about a few shorties?
  • its tuesday night right now. its summer. neither of my parents are home. its fairly awesome outside. i could be doing a million different things, but i'm here on my computer? lame.
  • summer school started today. my teacher isnt exactly what i expected at all. she's fairly young, a bit attractive, and has one heck of a bubbly personality. she kinda looks and acts like lauren lyssy (dont let that inadvertent comment go to your head, lauren) actually, its scary how much she looks and acts like lauren. they could be long lost twins if it wasnt for the age difference.
  • last night was fun. a heck of a lot more fun than tonight is anyway. i was with other people last night. friends and more-than-friends make my world keep spinning. if i had no friends, i seriously could not keep living. i'd off myself in minutes. i live for friends. its all redundant, but i cant say it enough ways. thank you all for being my friends, it literally means the world to me.
  • i got a new radio receiver for my car radio. it was much in need. the cd player didnt work, it didnt get loud enough, i couldnt hook my ipod up to it.....now i have a functional cd player, a volume knob that is more than suffcient, and i can hook my ipod up to it in multiple ways. not to mention, it looks a hell of a lot better than the stock deck and i have a remote! i can sit on the booth seat in the back and change the song. its amazing.
  • our family at long last invested in a blu ray player. my dad got tired of dealing with the ancient dvd player. plus, the new player has internal wifi, so it gets netflix wireless. its completely self-sufficient. kinda awesome. only one problem. the ancient television only has one 1080i input, so we cant have HD fios channels and a full quality blu ray player. its stuck on like 400 something - a third (ish) of the quality it should get.....but it still looks sexy sitting up there on the tv.
  • my dad has decided the TV goes next.
  • tim got a girlfriend. yes, she really exists this time.
  • i should be following shortly behind him, if nothing odd happens. but then again, thats the story of my life, isnt it? something is bound to go horribly wrong, just when it seemed like my head was surfacing from the pool of high school drama. the evil beast will get my leg and pull me back under. lets hope not this time? i think so.
  • quick poll: does kyle sing? i didnt think so! but apparently, someone thinks i can. karen (from church) has been trying to get me to sing in chruch - like, not just sing along, but lead it with the mic and everything - and she finally got to barry and he got to me and now i'm singing in church on sunday. i reluctantly said ok. i'm still very close to refusing. i'm not as outgoing as i seem. i'd rather retain my dignity, but i guess i get to see if i actually can sing or not. i guess i've always just said i cant and stopped any conversation leading toward a demonstration. ive never really tried. this should be interesting, no?
  • i read the twilight series. yes, its true. a while ago, i was listening to a twilight conversation, shortly after the movie came out, i guess. and they were all talking about how amazing edward was and blah blah blah, and i just laughed at them, mentioned something about a gay vampire princess, and went along my way. what all normal males do, yes? anyway, they laughed back at me, telling me how i just didnt understand and i just didnt get it and i was ignorant and stupid, etc. well that got to me. so i decided i'd read the stupid gay vampire books so i could then intelligently insult the books. i could make informed, smart statements about just how idiotic bella was and how overdone it all is. and yes, thats all true, but after reading them......i gotta say, i liked them. they were written really well. i definitely recommend them to any guy who refuses to look at them on simple principle like i was. yes, the first book could be titled 'fawning over edward cullen's beauty', but by the last book, she stops mentioning how hot he is every page and keeps it down to about once or twice a chapter. by the last book, its more action than romance, and it definitely didnt suck.
  • Harry Potter VI comes out in theaters in a week. anyone up for midnight IMAX?
  • does anyone have a speech 1311 text book they want to sell me?
wow, i guess there is a lot going on in my life. just not enough of one thing to take up a whole blog entry. i guess this worked out ok.

this one doesnt tell me how many views i have like myspace did... sad face.
just how many people are following me (that sounds creepy....)
so if you arent yet, be a 'follower' of me, just so i know you exist.

something to think about:


Twice upon a time in the valley of the tears
An auctioneer is bidding for a box of fading years
And the elephants are dancing on the graves of squealing mice.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

And the ice creams are all melting on the streets of bloody beer
While the beggars stain the pavements with flourescent Christmas cheer
And the Bentley-driving guru is putting up his price.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

And the prophets in the boutiques give out messages of hope
With jingle bells and fairy tales and blind colliding scopes
And you can tell they're all the same underneath the pretty lies.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

The yellow Buddhist monk is burning brightly at the zoo
You can bring a bowl of rice and then a glass of water too
And fate is setting up the chessboard while death rolls out the dice.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

-Eric Clapton


Sunday, June 21, 2009

los libros.

actually, let me fix that: books. I'm not in spanish ever again, and would really like to block all those painful memories, which i guess includes any and all spanish words.

right, so. books. topic of the boring night. (at least, I'm bored....and chances are, if you're reading, you are too, and its probably night, but i can't be sure... IM me if I'm right, for fun, just because I'll probably still be bored. sugarboy234 on AIM.) not like, textbooks or historical autobiographies or anything like that. i'm talking about fictional prose meant to entertain. harry potter, lord of the rings, that kinda thing.

i don't know if you're a big book fan. it definitely takes a certain personality to read like i do. once i start a book that i like and havent read before, it consumes me. i spend as much time - on an obsessive scale - as i can reading, ignoring real life, i think about it when i cant be reading, i dream about it if i fall asleep. and I've been thinking about why i like those kinds of books so much, and why i feel like I'm coming off of a high when i finish. (i think i have a myspace post about this...I'm amending it)

when you are reading a book, it is probably in the first person or the third-person limited. we all know first person, but the third person limited is like harry potter, where rowling uses he, she, them, but you still know what harry is thinking and only what harry is thinking. you get insight into his mind and no one else's; he is basically telling the story. but not, because it is a narration instead of a first person account with the I's and the we's. anyway, the fact that most fictitious books have one of those points of view is essential to why i love them. you get to know your protagonist. you get to be inside the head of this fictional character to the point where he or she could be real. the character leaves the book; you can associate a person you know with the character usually, or create one in your mind, but regardless, you always know how they would react to a situation, sometimes better than you know yourself. you're best friends with the character, knowing them inside and out, how they feel about people, how they respond, what they love, hate, do for fun...everything. its so much easier than in real life. it takes no effort to know everything about this person, except the effort to lock yourself in your room "alone" to read. every time i read a book, i feel like I'm in the never ending story, right there with the characters, never alone while engrossed in the book. in real life, you cant just skip the boring parts, like that paragraph that includes "all of the rest of fall semester" or whatever, zooming off to the next important thing in the plot. you have to deal with those agonizingly boring weeks or months when nothing happens if your life is boring, when there is no character development to be done. because of the way the books are written, you're always learning something new about your character, your protagonist, your newest best friend. you never get bored of this person and wish the book could go on longer. in life, things never have that happy ending wrapped in a bow, they never have insightful information. you're always searching for something else, always left in the dark on the important things. you have to search for your own clues. my life in the book is much easier.

not only can you make friends, but you escape from reality. like i said before, you can have a boring life at times. books take you out of your boring life and plop you into a life of meaning and excitement. its almost like a virtual reality, where you can spend hours, and slowly whither away in this real world. personally, i forget to sleep and eat among other things. then you finish the book. suddenly, your time is up and the ride is over. you may be able to hold onto that other world for a little, but life soon begins to tear that from you as you fall back into routine, into normality. whenever i finish a really good book, I'm reminded how very insignificant i am, how i can never make a difference like that protagonist did, even if he was fictitious. I'll never be as charming or intuitive or perfect as some of those characters. i suppose that's the point, after all. who would want to read a book about the average life of some normal kid without any serious problems and no particular purpose? not as many people that want to read about freaking edward cullen, that's for sure.

fiction lets us live the life that we want. it lets us escape from the daily routine, the job we hate, the school work we do reluctantly. it takes us out of that average column and puts us into the extraordinary column, even if its just a glimpse. this is different from comedy. comedy distracts us from our problems. the dramatic fictional stories I'm talking about remove us from the problems, and place us in the life of someone else's, someone who generally overcomes the problems. we like to see that. we like to believe its possible. but as a mostly pointless movie stated, we are the rule, not the exception. we do nothing when we finish that will change us. we simply dream of the change, not implement it. we envision the dream, never actively seek it. and i am reminded of this every time i finish another exhilarating book. it isn't exactly depressing, just a somber reality check.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
-Albus Dumbledore

Monday, June 15, 2009

i remember how much i hate summer now...

ok, so my last few posts - with the exception of that last one - have revolved around never sitting down, never getting any free time. now that summer is here....i suddenly realize that thats total bullshit. sure, i have things here and there that take up some time, but theres more than 4 hours in a day. the rest of it just reminds me how much i dont like summer. sure, you can go hang out with friends and take vacations and all that fun stuff...but what happens when no one can hang out? or no one else is at home but you? what then? well, daytime television, facebook, and halo.

for at least 75% of the day most days during the summer, i live the life of a grown nerd that still lives with his parents and doesnt have a job. i dont know about you, but i definitely feel like i need other plans..

oh oh oh i know! i could get a job!
BUT WAIT. no, i cant.

if you dont know that story yet, basically my mom has decided that my "only job is to do well in school and boy scouts and band and all those areas of your life." and that she will provide me with the money i need, like gas money, lunch money, and some special occasions. but if its the second movie of the month, she hesitates. if i'm going out to dinner, she hesitates. those special occasions are 80 percent of my social life, and i'm not getting the proper funding for them. so can i work part time to pick up the slack? oh no.

but such is life.
.....so i sit.
..........at home.
...............with nothing to do.
....................except work.
.........................but not the kind i get paid for.

sad days. boring summer, when nothing's actually happening anyway. at least school keeps me occupied.

i dont mean to downplay the rest of summer though. the 25% of the time i'm not sitting at home or working, i'm out playing or chilling with friends, and its amazing. that bit of summer kicks any ass you put in front of it. i've already managed to make new friends, get to know people wayy better, and get to become extremely closer with certain friends. i'm not gonna lie, i've done so much in the first week and a half of summer its ridiculous. but most of it, still, has been tv, facebook, and halo, or band.

summer is definitely a double edged sword.

i guess we'll see the sharper side as summer continues, eh?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

parent vs. parents

So. I got a sneak peak into the life of a child without a commanding male figure in his life. My dad and my brother went off to missouri for camp for 10 days. My mom went from the identical twin of Hitler to Binky the flippin clown in an hour. I swear, she has the potential to be the coolest parent alive. As long as she knew where I was - ish and some of the people i was with, then it was all good, and there was no curfew, and definitely no bitchiness. it was a dream come true. as long as i got my stuff done, i was golden. hooters? sure! party at some random kid that she doesntknow's house? well ashley will be there, and she knows ashley is little angel child (lol), so of course! going to a movie that starts at 9:30? then going to brian's house and watching two more movies with no idea of when i'm going to think about going home? whatever, just be safe. life was good. think about taking a brand new rubber band and stretching it out to where it gets all white ish and loses that tan rubber look. that was my life. in a good way.

but then the father returned. dun dun DUNNN.

you wouldnt think it could possibly make that big of a difference. but it apparently does, as i recently found out. as dad walked in, i was about to leave. i'm pretty sure i had told her where i was going, what i was doing, and who was going to be there, which was a hell of a lot more than most of the things i left for last week, but she comes and immediately plays 20 questions with my brain. where are you going? when are you going to be back? who's going to be there? what are you doing? are those kids good kids? do i know any of them? are you going to eat there or should i make you something or should you make yourself something or pick something up on the way? do you have money? phone? wallet? keys? and i swear, she finished all these questions in 10 seconds flat. it was quite a feat. as taken aback as i was, i answered the questions and went on my happy way, minus the when are you going to be back one, as i had no idea. i figured it be the same as most of the things i went to last week: 2, 3 ish maybe. we got to andy brown and decided that that wasnt going too well, so we ditched for a more secluded volleyball court in valley ranch. last week, i wouldnt have thought twice about cluing in my mother about this, since she would have been totally fine with whatever, but i held it back this time, since i sensed a disturbance in the force, if you know what i mean... anyway, so around 9 15, as we were starting to swim, my mom calls and tells me its time to come home. uh, wait. what? yes, home. at 9:15? the day just started! there are hours to go! but no, homeward bound i was.

so riddle me this: how did she go from awesome parent to one of two nazi parents? does she feel some need to demonstrate her control over her children to her husband? does she have a need to prove herself? is she trying to uphold some image? is it a pride thing? i don't know. all i know is that when dad came home, mom got bitchy again. she really seemed to enjoy the last ten days, maybe as much as me, if thats possible. some pretty awesome things happened in the last ten days (including, but not limited to: SAT, band camp, and ACT. ok, so there were down times, but the rest was kick ass.) I definitely wouldnt be surprised if they split up as soon as connor was living on his own. as soon as the kids are out, they may just not have any reason to stay together. i know that she knows she's a mean, nasty lady, and i know that she hates it. and over the last week and some, she....wasnt. i dont know what the sudden change is for, but it has something to do with dad being back. its got to.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

school: OVER

Ah, at long last, school is out! no more school.

So, free time? not at all.

Graduation is tomorrow. the band is playing.
Trumpet initiation grows ever nearer. must get ready.
SAT is this weekend. must study.
Freshman Camp is next week. must call freshmen and tell them what they need.
and on and on...you've heard it all before.

i'll tell you what... its hard to do it all. i mean, i can understand being like, homecoming king and doing it all...or being like, sumner warren and doing basically everything, leaving no time for anything else except press conferences. but no. i'm kyle. i'm a section leader, the leader of my boy scout troop, trying to please my parents with a good SAT and ACT score, trying to help my parents financially with getting eagle scout, and i'm looking at actually being in a few clubs next year. and no one knows me. i'm the janitor - always needed and never rewarded with lauding. never noticed, never mentioned. but always needed. always required. but who is kyle? who knows. who cares. things get done. who does them? that kid. which kid? who cares; he does it. we dont need the details, kyle, just get it done like usual. choice? what choice? you dont get a choice. reward? we thought you just enjoyed it. the others just get attention because they're special. lets just not worry about you. just get it done.

i of course compensate by having a silly aura where ever i go to lighten the load. i keep things entertaining at my own cost though, because now people associate me with that stupid kid, that dumb kid, that kid that will do anything for a laugh, even if it could kill him. that kid that speeds. that weird kid that talks too much. i know them all. i know i'm a goof. i screw around and get in trouble and speed and talk and do stupid things and then talk some more. i know. but its not who i really am, and if you know actually know me, then you know that. most dont think i have the capability of being serious.

the worst part isnt actually what they think though. its what they tell me. most think whatever they say doesnt get to me, since i laugh with them at me or shrug it off. just little things, like "oh, its just because you're kyle." or "oh kyle, you so would do something like that." or "oh its ok because its kyle." they may not seem like much, but one after another from everyone after a few years gets to me. do they not see it getting to me? are they really that oblivious? or do i hide it that well? i doubt i hide it, so they must just be oblivious to my response. are all people really that self centered? me included? do i really ignore what other people think and feel and how they react? do you? take a day and really focus on people's facial expressions and actions and try to match them with thoughts and internal reactions. its kinda amazing how much you dont realize you're missing until you pay close attention to everyone. especially your better friends, who you thought you knew. get passed the smile. read between the lines. that smile isn't real. look at his eyes, you can see right into them, and he is scared - scared you'll do exactly that and see the real him. he hides behind that smile, uses it as a mask. it fools most, but you can see it in his split second reactions when you tell him something; he drops his guard for an instant, but then regains composure. and even once the smile is back, you can still see signs of it. you can see it in his eyes - through his eyes - and in his body language. you just have to search a little farther than skin deep.

looking at the world objectively is a beautiful thing. take your biased, personal emotions out of it and just look at what is in front of you. you wont just get insight into what everyone else feels and thinks... you'll get some insight into your own life as well. try it.

anyway, its summer. i'm gonna go sleep while i still can.

Monday, June 1, 2009

last week of junior HELL.

well well well.

so its officially the beginning of the end. its 12 o clock the morning of monday, which is the first day of the last week of school. wooh?

school is already out in my mind. i have 1 real final, and thats math. if i fail...whatever. i wont. i'll cheat or something. it doesnt much matter to me. all i know is that i failed to study at all, due to state. (by the way, in case you were wondering, i made a II, along with the rest of the world) the other final i'm not exempt from is physics, but everyone knows about that one....its a scavenger hunt that is due the morning of the exam day, so you dont have to stay for his exam. more importantly, HE doesnt have to stay for his exams. he shows up in the morning, collects finals, and leaves. pretty smart guy. he sure can cheat a system.

but he actually gets paid. we students cheat all day long, and all we get out of it is a lousy education. he cheats and still gets a salary. so not fair...... someday, kyle, someday...

anyway, the rest of the time i just dont have to show up. except for physics on tuesday. which blows. but thats life. other than those short bits of 'school', its all done. band is of course still doing graduation, which is wednesday, but other than that, its just getting ready for summer.

which is:
  1. study like crazy for SAT - alone and without my tutor guy, since my mom wont pay him more money. thats this saturday. wooh...wish me luck.
  2. study like crazy for ACT - which i havent looked at at all, since my tutor guy (who was supposed to teach SAT and ACT) didnt cover it at all. so i'm basically completely unprepared for it.
  3. be section leader. this means head up initiation, which is this next thursday/friday morning. it also means moving out of the band hall on friday, going to leadership meetings on friday and saturday, and going to fish camp the next week, while i'm supposed to be studying for ACT
  4. being a boy scout. i'm still SPL, which means i'm still in charge of 100 scouts every tuesday night. summers a bit more chill, but that just means i have to turn my attention to my eagle project, which is getting a bit drastic, timewise.
other than those four, i have to find time for hanging out with friends and girlfriend so my social life doesnt get shot to pieces over the summer. then i get to look forward to camp and then summer school and then summer band. wooh.

at least i wont get busy, right?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The first of hopefully many posts, i suppose

oh wow, now i'm really stepping up in the world. this is definitely a step up from myspace: it tells me when i spell words wrong. and you can save it! so when you accidentally hit the backspace key when youre not clicked in this window, you dont lose god knows how much typing! oh boy, this is exciting...you really have no idea, i hope.

anyway, i realized that i filled up my myspace blog and its started deleting the older posts, and i dont like that. boo on you myspace. wanna catch up? http://blogs.myspace.com/schoolwillbethedeathofme ....and if you need to be my 'friend' or whatever to read it, just friend request me; i'll accept, no biggie.

and in other news, its 12:30 on a school night. i should sleep. i'm such a pansie nowdays when it comes to staying up late. i used to start projects at 3 and 4 in the morning. now i get all cranky when i'm up until 1. whatever am i to do this summer? ahh!

- more on summer in the myspace blog -

right, going to bed. chances are, you should too. or go back to your homework. its probably one of those. or else you wouldnt be here now, wasting away your life reading this :]

for the record, yes, the title is a reference to Toy Story. be jealous.