Friday, August 30, 2013

There's always good to offset the bad :)

I've been living at home for a few weeks now I guess, and what's happened? Quite a bit of bad luck, as life would have it. First, I had 18 hours worth of dental work. Party. Spinning off of that, I now have a perpetual and never ending toothache, which is splendid. To top off that, I did some work in the backyard and apparently got myself into poison ivy or something, because my hands, fingers, arms, and legs all burst into an itchy mess. My hands are so bubbly I look like a troll. It's just fantastic. Oh, and my dog has fleas again, which is just what I needed.

Then there was jury duty, which is always fun. Oh, and a total waste of my day. Lucky me though, I didn't get picked to actually serve on a jury. I talked my way out of that one. But during that day, I got exceptionally bored, and couldn't help but to notice a small blood blister on the tip of my finger, and so naturally I started gnawing at it OCD style until I had effectively chewed a hole in my finger. The blister was deeper than I had anticipated. So three days later, it still hurts like crazy whenever I touch anything (typing is hard with 9 fingers) or think about it too hard. So that's awesome. And to go with my finger, the back of my left ear feels like its drying up and getting ready to dissolve like Quirrell at the end of the first harry potter movie. But really, there's some kinda rash or something going on back there, and I don't like how it feels. So there's something else to worry about.

Bad things come in more than threes for me, I'm just that lucky. Fortunately, though, the bad has got to be behind me at this point. Over the past week, I've gone half an hour up the highway to see my friends at UNT a few times, and those trips have been fun. I'm going again tomorrow, with my friend Kim, who's in town from Kansas of all places. I haven't seen her in too long, so that'll be a fun reunion. Then Saturday, its down to Waco because ITS FOOTBALL SEASON BABY! I've been waiting to say that for longer than I'm willing to admit. It's especially good this year because it gets to serve as my excuse to go live college style for a day out of the week and escape adulthood. And there's no band. Which is a double edged thing I guess; I loved band, but God it's nice to get to tailgate and attend a football game properly. Free, too, because I have friends who can get tickets for me :)

--pause to scratch arms violently--

In other news, in my wayyyy too much free time while I wait for my job to start in just 11 days, I've started working out (which I never, ever saw myself doing voluntarily), my golf game has improved a bit, and my klout score has improved, as I've regressed to being a facebook junkie.

Basically, I can't wait for my job to start. Just so I have something to do all day, more than anything, because I know for sure that this job isn't going to be stellar. It's not the kind of job kids dream of having, but they hired me, and I'll love them until the end of time for giving me a job. And I'm sure I'll do well at it, whether I try or not, like much of everything else, so that's probably good. This probably falls under the category of things not to say online, especially about your employer in case they find and read it, but here goes: this wasn't the job I imagined having, even starting my senior year. I don't want to have to be the bad guy that calls when you're defaulting on your loan. That just sounds like it sucks. But as I haven't even started training yet, I'll go with it and try not to judge my new position too much before I really know what I've gotten myself into.

But if it does suck, then tough for me; I'll stick it out a year and then look for a completely different entry-level position that my major will get me. I hope no one will judge me too hard for being like, "look, I gave it a year, it wasn't for me, I'm trying something else before 40 years of my life pass me and I'm all, what the fuck just happened? I don't even like this job." Not to say I won't like it; it's just a nice back up plan.

Sorry, off topic. Back to the good things going on this weekend. It's football season. Today is DBGDD, or to spell it out to non-baylor-band-kids, its the Day Before GameDay Day. Just go with it, okay? Anyway, Saturday opens the season, then there'll be a party somewhere or I'll go out with friends or something, then Sunday I'm back in Dallas, and probably going to a Rangers game, which is just another dose of sporting awesomeness, because let's be real, its the Rangers, and they have a pretty good shot at winning. Not to mention there's a fireworks show after the game.

So yeah, I've had a whole bunch of bad things happen to me over the last week and a half. I've been more than miserable. But I've got so many good things coming up in the next three days, and I've had a couple good things over the past two weeks to where I'm pretty sure it all balances out. As bad as things get, it always seems to work out that way eventually.

Now I'm gonna go to bed, because I don't run, but I did it anyway and now I hurt all over.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

So, I'm done with college.

Well, I graduated. That happened. And I got the only mild laughter of the whole ceremony, so that's something else.

Yeah. I gave the president of the university a high five. I feel vaguely accomplished just for that.

But now what?

I start my job in roughly two weeks. Until then, I'm just at home. And yeah, I'm enjoying a bottle of whiskey in the privacy of my newly reorganized room, complete with my degree on the wall. Well, let me restate that. With my degree frame on the wall. They had to reorder my degree because I graduated cum laude and they didn't manage to get that onto my degree. They had a month and a half to take care of their shit and didn't manage to. So it'll be another four to six weeks before I see my degree. You know how frustrating it is to pay so much money to graduate from an expensive private school, only to find a "we're sorry" letter in the tube that's supposed to have your degree in it? Yeah. So that's fun.

But paper degree or no paper degree, I'm a graduate of Baylor. And I'm supposed to be super psyched about that. And I'm supposed to be super excited about starting my job and getting my life started. But deep down inside, even though I got excited in the moment, as you can pretty obviously tell from the picture, it wore off pretty fast. I'm living with my parents again. At home, all alone, while nearly everyone I care about is off at school having a grand ol' college time. I want that back. I don't do well with change, especially when there's no one around to help me through it. It's like freshman year all over again.

But I dealt with it then, and I'll deal with it now. Life goes on. On a side note, am I more honest when I write these drunk? Because I am. I think this is the second time in my life I've gotten drunk all by myself, and I feel particularly reflective, so here I am. The first time was during my grand road trip that I haven't mentioned yet, so I guess I'll go into that.

During the last week of July and the first week of August, I took a road trip with one of my best friends around the west half of the country. We hit up the grand canyon, San Francisco, Seattle, Yellowstone, and most of Colorado, to sum it up nicely. Realistically, it was so much more than that, but those were the main destinations, and it was fun as hell. I've learned my lesson about sharing too much on this blog, but I'll leave it at we had a lot of fun. Anyway, one night in San Francisco my friend met up with one of his old friends and I had a night to myself, so I went out drinking on my own for the first time.

Tonight is the second, and I'm in my old room at home. The worst part isn't even what you're thinking, because I quit smoking when I moved home 4 days ago, and it's eating at me, especially when I drink. And not weed, but good old cigarettes. And that's so much harder than weed. Stopping smoking weed was a cake walk. It's not addictive, it's just a choice. Cigarettes are different. They get in your head. They put that little voice in your head that says, "oh come on, its just one more pack. You can just smoke it when you drink. I know you want one, and what's the harm. Just go buy a pack, for old time's sake. Just one. DO IT."

I have nicotine gum to help me through it. I don't want to get on e cigs or anything, because I know I'll be hooked on those instead. My mom has been chewing nicorette since she quit smoking 30 years ago, but I've never been much of a gum chewer, so it should be different. I hope. But anyway, I'm determined to quit because I've been saying for a year that I'd quit when I was done with college, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lie to myself like that.

But yeah, that's the hardest part about life right now. I guess. Really, I think the hardest part to deal with is something completely intangible. It's knowing how unexcited I am about it all. About finishing college in three years with two majors and graduating cum laude with a 3.75 and extremely time consuming extracurriculars. About starting a new job at a pretty decent salary. About life. I'm just not excited, even though I should be. I should be excited about all the good stuff happening in my life. But when I'm not in the moment - when I'm not high fiving Ken Starr or opening graduation presents or whatever, I'm just not that into it. It's whatever.

So I graduated. Everyone expected me to, so what's the big deal. So I graduated with honors. That's cool I guess, but it's not like I tried to. You know what I did in college. I screwed around and partied and smoked too many drugs and watched too much Netflix. I don't deserve any of it. But it happened, so yay me I guess. And the average person would be super excited to finish college like I did. But I'm just not.

So, if you know a phycologist in the area that can help me with my clinical depression, I'm up for suggestions. Because I'm pretty sure that's what it is. The councilor at Baylor thought that's what it is, and I'm leaning toward agreeing with her. I am depressed. I've come to accept the fact, and I need help. Probably medical help. Because life isn't exciting on any level. I glide through it. I do well at it. I'm pretty damn good at it, and I just don't care.

Sorry for the depressing post... I guess that's what you get when I write posts alone and drunk in my childhood bedroom. BUT ANYWAY. Seeing as I have little else to do, I may even go back to writing on a regular basis again. It's not like I have anyone to rant to anymore. Or talk to at all. I haven't seen anyone my age in a week, and reality is setting in that this is kinda how it's gonna be for the next several months. All alone, driving a minimum half hour to see friends on the weekends if I'm lucky.

I'm not even sure anyone reads this anymore, and I'm not sure I even care about that. It's just good to type it all out every once in awhile. Night everyone.