Sunday, June 21, 2009

los libros.

actually, let me fix that: books. I'm not in spanish ever again, and would really like to block all those painful memories, which i guess includes any and all spanish words.

right, so. books. topic of the boring night. (at least, I'm bored....and chances are, if you're reading, you are too, and its probably night, but i can't be sure... IM me if I'm right, for fun, just because I'll probably still be bored. sugarboy234 on AIM.) not like, textbooks or historical autobiographies or anything like that. i'm talking about fictional prose meant to entertain. harry potter, lord of the rings, that kinda thing.

i don't know if you're a big book fan. it definitely takes a certain personality to read like i do. once i start a book that i like and havent read before, it consumes me. i spend as much time - on an obsessive scale - as i can reading, ignoring real life, i think about it when i cant be reading, i dream about it if i fall asleep. and I've been thinking about why i like those kinds of books so much, and why i feel like I'm coming off of a high when i finish. (i think i have a myspace post about this...I'm amending it)

when you are reading a book, it is probably in the first person or the third-person limited. we all know first person, but the third person limited is like harry potter, where rowling uses he, she, them, but you still know what harry is thinking and only what harry is thinking. you get insight into his mind and no one else's; he is basically telling the story. but not, because it is a narration instead of a first person account with the I's and the we's. anyway, the fact that most fictitious books have one of those points of view is essential to why i love them. you get to know your protagonist. you get to be inside the head of this fictional character to the point where he or she could be real. the character leaves the book; you can associate a person you know with the character usually, or create one in your mind, but regardless, you always know how they would react to a situation, sometimes better than you know yourself. you're best friends with the character, knowing them inside and out, how they feel about people, how they respond, what they love, hate, do for fun...everything. its so much easier than in real life. it takes no effort to know everything about this person, except the effort to lock yourself in your room "alone" to read. every time i read a book, i feel like I'm in the never ending story, right there with the characters, never alone while engrossed in the book. in real life, you cant just skip the boring parts, like that paragraph that includes "all of the rest of fall semester" or whatever, zooming off to the next important thing in the plot. you have to deal with those agonizingly boring weeks or months when nothing happens if your life is boring, when there is no character development to be done. because of the way the books are written, you're always learning something new about your character, your protagonist, your newest best friend. you never get bored of this person and wish the book could go on longer. in life, things never have that happy ending wrapped in a bow, they never have insightful information. you're always searching for something else, always left in the dark on the important things. you have to search for your own clues. my life in the book is much easier.

not only can you make friends, but you escape from reality. like i said before, you can have a boring life at times. books take you out of your boring life and plop you into a life of meaning and excitement. its almost like a virtual reality, where you can spend hours, and slowly whither away in this real world. personally, i forget to sleep and eat among other things. then you finish the book. suddenly, your time is up and the ride is over. you may be able to hold onto that other world for a little, but life soon begins to tear that from you as you fall back into routine, into normality. whenever i finish a really good book, I'm reminded how very insignificant i am, how i can never make a difference like that protagonist did, even if he was fictitious. I'll never be as charming or intuitive or perfect as some of those characters. i suppose that's the point, after all. who would want to read a book about the average life of some normal kid without any serious problems and no particular purpose? not as many people that want to read about freaking edward cullen, that's for sure.

fiction lets us live the life that we want. it lets us escape from the daily routine, the job we hate, the school work we do reluctantly. it takes us out of that average column and puts us into the extraordinary column, even if its just a glimpse. this is different from comedy. comedy distracts us from our problems. the dramatic fictional stories I'm talking about remove us from the problems, and place us in the life of someone else's, someone who generally overcomes the problems. we like to see that. we like to believe its possible. but as a mostly pointless movie stated, we are the rule, not the exception. we do nothing when we finish that will change us. we simply dream of the change, not implement it. we envision the dream, never actively seek it. and i am reminded of this every time i finish another exhilarating book. it isn't exactly depressing, just a somber reality check.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
-Albus Dumbledore

Monday, June 15, 2009

i remember how much i hate summer now...

ok, so my last few posts - with the exception of that last one - have revolved around never sitting down, never getting any free time. now that summer is here....i suddenly realize that thats total bullshit. sure, i have things here and there that take up some time, but theres more than 4 hours in a day. the rest of it just reminds me how much i dont like summer. sure, you can go hang out with friends and take vacations and all that fun stuff...but what happens when no one can hang out? or no one else is at home but you? what then? well, daytime television, facebook, and halo.

for at least 75% of the day most days during the summer, i live the life of a grown nerd that still lives with his parents and doesnt have a job. i dont know about you, but i definitely feel like i need other plans..

oh oh oh i know! i could get a job!
BUT WAIT. no, i cant.

if you dont know that story yet, basically my mom has decided that my "only job is to do well in school and boy scouts and band and all those areas of your life." and that she will provide me with the money i need, like gas money, lunch money, and some special occasions. but if its the second movie of the month, she hesitates. if i'm going out to dinner, she hesitates. those special occasions are 80 percent of my social life, and i'm not getting the proper funding for them. so can i work part time to pick up the slack? oh no.

but such is life. i sit. home.
...............with nothing to do.
....................except work.
.........................but not the kind i get paid for.

sad days. boring summer, when nothing's actually happening anyway. at least school keeps me occupied.

i dont mean to downplay the rest of summer though. the 25% of the time i'm not sitting at home or working, i'm out playing or chilling with friends, and its amazing. that bit of summer kicks any ass you put in front of it. i've already managed to make new friends, get to know people wayy better, and get to become extremely closer with certain friends. i'm not gonna lie, i've done so much in the first week and a half of summer its ridiculous. but most of it, still, has been tv, facebook, and halo, or band.

summer is definitely a double edged sword.

i guess we'll see the sharper side as summer continues, eh?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

parent vs. parents

So. I got a sneak peak into the life of a child without a commanding male figure in his life. My dad and my brother went off to missouri for camp for 10 days. My mom went from the identical twin of Hitler to Binky the flippin clown in an hour. I swear, she has the potential to be the coolest parent alive. As long as she knew where I was - ish and some of the people i was with, then it was all good, and there was no curfew, and definitely no bitchiness. it was a dream come true. as long as i got my stuff done, i was golden. hooters? sure! party at some random kid that she doesntknow's house? well ashley will be there, and she knows ashley is little angel child (lol), so of course! going to a movie that starts at 9:30? then going to brian's house and watching two more movies with no idea of when i'm going to think about going home? whatever, just be safe. life was good. think about taking a brand new rubber band and stretching it out to where it gets all white ish and loses that tan rubber look. that was my life. in a good way.

but then the father returned. dun dun DUNNN.

you wouldnt think it could possibly make that big of a difference. but it apparently does, as i recently found out. as dad walked in, i was about to leave. i'm pretty sure i had told her where i was going, what i was doing, and who was going to be there, which was a hell of a lot more than most of the things i left for last week, but she comes and immediately plays 20 questions with my brain. where are you going? when are you going to be back? who's going to be there? what are you doing? are those kids good kids? do i know any of them? are you going to eat there or should i make you something or should you make yourself something or pick something up on the way? do you have money? phone? wallet? keys? and i swear, she finished all these questions in 10 seconds flat. it was quite a feat. as taken aback as i was, i answered the questions and went on my happy way, minus the when are you going to be back one, as i had no idea. i figured it be the same as most of the things i went to last week: 2, 3 ish maybe. we got to andy brown and decided that that wasnt going too well, so we ditched for a more secluded volleyball court in valley ranch. last week, i wouldnt have thought twice about cluing in my mother about this, since she would have been totally fine with whatever, but i held it back this time, since i sensed a disturbance in the force, if you know what i mean... anyway, so around 9 15, as we were starting to swim, my mom calls and tells me its time to come home. uh, wait. what? yes, home. at 9:15? the day just started! there are hours to go! but no, homeward bound i was.

so riddle me this: how did she go from awesome parent to one of two nazi parents? does she feel some need to demonstrate her control over her children to her husband? does she have a need to prove herself? is she trying to uphold some image? is it a pride thing? i don't know. all i know is that when dad came home, mom got bitchy again. she really seemed to enjoy the last ten days, maybe as much as me, if thats possible. some pretty awesome things happened in the last ten days (including, but not limited to: SAT, band camp, and ACT. ok, so there were down times, but the rest was kick ass.) I definitely wouldnt be surprised if they split up as soon as connor was living on his own. as soon as the kids are out, they may just not have any reason to stay together. i know that she knows she's a mean, nasty lady, and i know that she hates it. and over the last week and some, she....wasnt. i dont know what the sudden change is for, but it has something to do with dad being back. its got to.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

school: OVER

Ah, at long last, school is out! no more school.

So, free time? not at all.

Graduation is tomorrow. the band is playing.
Trumpet initiation grows ever nearer. must get ready.
SAT is this weekend. must study.
Freshman Camp is next week. must call freshmen and tell them what they need.
and on and've heard it all before.

i'll tell you what... its hard to do it all. i mean, i can understand being like, homecoming king and doing it all...or being like, sumner warren and doing basically everything, leaving no time for anything else except press conferences. but no. i'm kyle. i'm a section leader, the leader of my boy scout troop, trying to please my parents with a good SAT and ACT score, trying to help my parents financially with getting eagle scout, and i'm looking at actually being in a few clubs next year. and no one knows me. i'm the janitor - always needed and never rewarded with lauding. never noticed, never mentioned. but always needed. always required. but who is kyle? who knows. who cares. things get done. who does them? that kid. which kid? who cares; he does it. we dont need the details, kyle, just get it done like usual. choice? what choice? you dont get a choice. reward? we thought you just enjoyed it. the others just get attention because they're special. lets just not worry about you. just get it done.

i of course compensate by having a silly aura where ever i go to lighten the load. i keep things entertaining at my own cost though, because now people associate me with that stupid kid, that dumb kid, that kid that will do anything for a laugh, even if it could kill him. that kid that speeds. that weird kid that talks too much. i know them all. i know i'm a goof. i screw around and get in trouble and speed and talk and do stupid things and then talk some more. i know. but its not who i really am, and if you know actually know me, then you know that. most dont think i have the capability of being serious.

the worst part isnt actually what they think though. its what they tell me. most think whatever they say doesnt get to me, since i laugh with them at me or shrug it off. just little things, like "oh, its just because you're kyle." or "oh kyle, you so would do something like that." or "oh its ok because its kyle." they may not seem like much, but one after another from everyone after a few years gets to me. do they not see it getting to me? are they really that oblivious? or do i hide it that well? i doubt i hide it, so they must just be oblivious to my response. are all people really that self centered? me included? do i really ignore what other people think and feel and how they react? do you? take a day and really focus on people's facial expressions and actions and try to match them with thoughts and internal reactions. its kinda amazing how much you dont realize you're missing until you pay close attention to everyone. especially your better friends, who you thought you knew. get passed the smile. read between the lines. that smile isn't real. look at his eyes, you can see right into them, and he is scared - scared you'll do exactly that and see the real him. he hides behind that smile, uses it as a mask. it fools most, but you can see it in his split second reactions when you tell him something; he drops his guard for an instant, but then regains composure. and even once the smile is back, you can still see signs of it. you can see it in his eyes - through his eyes - and in his body language. you just have to search a little farther than skin deep.

looking at the world objectively is a beautiful thing. take your biased, personal emotions out of it and just look at what is in front of you. you wont just get insight into what everyone else feels and thinks... you'll get some insight into your own life as well. try it.

anyway, its summer. i'm gonna go sleep while i still can.

Monday, June 1, 2009

last week of junior HELL.

well well well.

so its officially the beginning of the end. its 12 o clock the morning of monday, which is the first day of the last week of school. wooh?

school is already out in my mind. i have 1 real final, and thats math. if i fail...whatever. i wont. i'll cheat or something. it doesnt much matter to me. all i know is that i failed to study at all, due to state. (by the way, in case you were wondering, i made a II, along with the rest of the world) the other final i'm not exempt from is physics, but everyone knows about that one....its a scavenger hunt that is due the morning of the exam day, so you dont have to stay for his exam. more importantly, HE doesnt have to stay for his exams. he shows up in the morning, collects finals, and leaves. pretty smart guy. he sure can cheat a system.

but he actually gets paid. we students cheat all day long, and all we get out of it is a lousy education. he cheats and still gets a salary. so not fair...... someday, kyle, someday...

anyway, the rest of the time i just dont have to show up. except for physics on tuesday. which blows. but thats life. other than those short bits of 'school', its all done. band is of course still doing graduation, which is wednesday, but other than that, its just getting ready for summer.

which is:
  1. study like crazy for SAT - alone and without my tutor guy, since my mom wont pay him more money. thats this saturday. wooh...wish me luck.
  2. study like crazy for ACT - which i havent looked at at all, since my tutor guy (who was supposed to teach SAT and ACT) didnt cover it at all. so i'm basically completely unprepared for it.
  3. be section leader. this means head up initiation, which is this next thursday/friday morning. it also means moving out of the band hall on friday, going to leadership meetings on friday and saturday, and going to fish camp the next week, while i'm supposed to be studying for ACT
  4. being a boy scout. i'm still SPL, which means i'm still in charge of 100 scouts every tuesday night. summers a bit more chill, but that just means i have to turn my attention to my eagle project, which is getting a bit drastic, timewise.
other than those four, i have to find time for hanging out with friends and girlfriend so my social life doesnt get shot to pieces over the summer. then i get to look forward to camp and then summer school and then summer band. wooh.

at least i wont get busy, right?