Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Labor Day weekend is over

Happy Labor Day everyone. All, uh, five of you that are still around. It's whatever; this blog was never about you. It was always for me. A personal little diary that is completely open for the public to read if they feel inclined.

So let me tell you about the weekend. It was basically how I predicted it, plus some things, minus some things. Denton, check. Friday afternoon pool party, full college kids I didn't know and rampant day drinking. Pair that with a six inch deep tanning part of the pool and a lounge chair and I was all set for a great Friday.

College football gets a half check. It was a blowout. We demolished the other team. But after driving 140 miles, the guy who we went with decided that since it was a blowout, we should leave after halftime. And what do I do? I leave with him. He was my ride. I could have found another one. I should have. But I've never been able to say no to whatever the fuck he wants to do, so off we went, after I lied to all the friends in the stadium, saying we'll be right back. I was under the impression we were just going to get more beer, as it was half time and we were too sober. But then they caught me off guard and started leaving and whatever. Well, now I know for next weekend, but I'm still bummed that happened the way it did. But the party that night made up for it, though I remember very little of it. Good ol' college.

Sunday we drove up to Arlington for the Rangers game, which despite my fool proof predictions for the weekend, lost 4-2 and now we're wayyyy too close to the A's. But this isn't a sports blog and I'm not about to waste several paragraphs on that. Anyway, it was a lot of fun, but incredibly hot. Lucky for us, we were in the shade.

This morning was officially Labor Day, so naturally it was golfing day. Problem was, it was raining. We (my dad and I) decided this was no concern of ours, and it was only a drizzle, so we went ahead. I think we decided that was a mistake by the 4th hole, where it started really coming down. After taking shelter every once in a while under a tree somewhere, we managed to get through it. We were both soaked and slightly miserable, but considering everything, I had a pretty good game going on, so I can't complain too much. It was fun. I've never played where the hole was filled with water while you're trying to putt. It's, uh... interesting.

The rest of the day was a Castle marathon on TNT. Thank god we recorded them, because TNT has way too many commercials. It should be illegal how many they have, but we pretty much skipped all of them. And it still took the rest of the day (12 hours? More or less) to get through them.

And now here I am, back at home. Tomorrow I get to take Kim to the airport, but past that I don't have anything on my schedule. More TV I guess. Super exciting week lined up. It involves doing absolutely nothing for the last time in my life until I retire.

I think it's really starting to hit me that after this week, I'm going to work for most of the rest of my life. Getting another week like this will be one hell of a treat. And I don't think there's any way I can't take it for granted. I'm too excited to start working. I'm too bored at home. Everyone else is off doing things. This week is just another week without anything to do. But I should be enjoying it.

Why can't I just be happy with things. I always find the downside, don't I? I know what the upside is and how I should be feeling, and then for some reason I'm never feeling that. Oh well.

Friday, August 30, 2013

There's always good to offset the bad :)

I've been living at home for a few weeks now I guess, and what's happened? Quite a bit of bad luck, as life would have it. First, I had 18 hours worth of dental work. Party. Spinning off of that, I now have a perpetual and never ending toothache, which is splendid. To top off that, I did some work in the backyard and apparently got myself into poison ivy or something, because my hands, fingers, arms, and legs all burst into an itchy mess. My hands are so bubbly I look like a troll. It's just fantastic. Oh, and my dog has fleas again, which is just what I needed.

Then there was jury duty, which is always fun. Oh, and a total waste of my day. Lucky me though, I didn't get picked to actually serve on a jury. I talked my way out of that one. But during that day, I got exceptionally bored, and couldn't help but to notice a small blood blister on the tip of my finger, and so naturally I started gnawing at it OCD style until I had effectively chewed a hole in my finger. The blister was deeper than I had anticipated. So three days later, it still hurts like crazy whenever I touch anything (typing is hard with 9 fingers) or think about it too hard. So that's awesome. And to go with my finger, the back of my left ear feels like its drying up and getting ready to dissolve like Quirrell at the end of the first harry potter movie. But really, there's some kinda rash or something going on back there, and I don't like how it feels. So there's something else to worry about.

Bad things come in more than threes for me, I'm just that lucky. Fortunately, though, the bad has got to be behind me at this point. Over the past week, I've gone half an hour up the highway to see my friends at UNT a few times, and those trips have been fun. I'm going again tomorrow, with my friend Kim, who's in town from Kansas of all places. I haven't seen her in too long, so that'll be a fun reunion. Then Saturday, its down to Waco because ITS FOOTBALL SEASON BABY! I've been waiting to say that for longer than I'm willing to admit. It's especially good this year because it gets to serve as my excuse to go live college style for a day out of the week and escape adulthood. And there's no band. Which is a double edged thing I guess; I loved band, but God it's nice to get to tailgate and attend a football game properly. Free, too, because I have friends who can get tickets for me :)

--pause to scratch arms violently--

In other news, in my wayyyy too much free time while I wait for my job to start in just 11 days, I've started working out (which I never, ever saw myself doing voluntarily), my golf game has improved a bit, and my klout score has improved, as I've regressed to being a facebook junkie.

Basically, I can't wait for my job to start. Just so I have something to do all day, more than anything, because I know for sure that this job isn't going to be stellar. It's not the kind of job kids dream of having, but they hired me, and I'll love them until the end of time for giving me a job. And I'm sure I'll do well at it, whether I try or not, like much of everything else, so that's probably good. This probably falls under the category of things not to say online, especially about your employer in case they find and read it, but here goes: this wasn't the job I imagined having, even starting my senior year. I don't want to have to be the bad guy that calls when you're defaulting on your loan. That just sounds like it sucks. But as I haven't even started training yet, I'll go with it and try not to judge my new position too much before I really know what I've gotten myself into.

But if it does suck, then tough for me; I'll stick it out a year and then look for a completely different entry-level position that my major will get me. I hope no one will judge me too hard for being like, "look, I gave it a year, it wasn't for me, I'm trying something else before 40 years of my life pass me and I'm all, what the fuck just happened? I don't even like this job." Not to say I won't like it; it's just a nice back up plan.

Sorry, off topic. Back to the good things going on this weekend. It's football season. Today is DBGDD, or to spell it out to non-baylor-band-kids, its the Day Before GameDay Day. Just go with it, okay? Anyway, Saturday opens the season, then there'll be a party somewhere or I'll go out with friends or something, then Sunday I'm back in Dallas, and probably going to a Rangers game, which is just another dose of sporting awesomeness, because let's be real, its the Rangers, and they have a pretty good shot at winning. Not to mention there's a fireworks show after the game.

So yeah, I've had a whole bunch of bad things happen to me over the last week and a half. I've been more than miserable. But I've got so many good things coming up in the next three days, and I've had a couple good things over the past two weeks to where I'm pretty sure it all balances out. As bad as things get, it always seems to work out that way eventually.

Now I'm gonna go to bed, because I don't run, but I did it anyway and now I hurt all over.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

So, I'm done with college.

Well, I graduated. That happened. And I got the only mild laughter of the whole ceremony, so that's something else.

Yeah. I gave the president of the university a high five. I feel vaguely accomplished just for that.

But now what?

I start my job in roughly two weeks. Until then, I'm just at home. And yeah, I'm enjoying a bottle of whiskey in the privacy of my newly reorganized room, complete with my degree on the wall. Well, let me restate that. With my degree frame on the wall. They had to reorder my degree because I graduated cum laude and they didn't manage to get that onto my degree. They had a month and a half to take care of their shit and didn't manage to. So it'll be another four to six weeks before I see my degree. You know how frustrating it is to pay so much money to graduate from an expensive private school, only to find a "we're sorry" letter in the tube that's supposed to have your degree in it? Yeah. So that's fun.

But paper degree or no paper degree, I'm a graduate of Baylor. And I'm supposed to be super psyched about that. And I'm supposed to be super excited about starting my job and getting my life started. But deep down inside, even though I got excited in the moment, as you can pretty obviously tell from the picture, it wore off pretty fast. I'm living with my parents again. At home, all alone, while nearly everyone I care about is off at school having a grand ol' college time. I want that back. I don't do well with change, especially when there's no one around to help me through it. It's like freshman year all over again.

But I dealt with it then, and I'll deal with it now. Life goes on. On a side note, am I more honest when I write these drunk? Because I am. I think this is the second time in my life I've gotten drunk all by myself, and I feel particularly reflective, so here I am. The first time was during my grand road trip that I haven't mentioned yet, so I guess I'll go into that.

During the last week of July and the first week of August, I took a road trip with one of my best friends around the west half of the country. We hit up the grand canyon, San Francisco, Seattle, Yellowstone, and most of Colorado, to sum it up nicely. Realistically, it was so much more than that, but those were the main destinations, and it was fun as hell. I've learned my lesson about sharing too much on this blog, but I'll leave it at we had a lot of fun. Anyway, one night in San Francisco my friend met up with one of his old friends and I had a night to myself, so I went out drinking on my own for the first time.

Tonight is the second, and I'm in my old room at home. The worst part isn't even what you're thinking, because I quit smoking when I moved home 4 days ago, and it's eating at me, especially when I drink. And not weed, but good old cigarettes. And that's so much harder than weed. Stopping smoking weed was a cake walk. It's not addictive, it's just a choice. Cigarettes are different. They get in your head. They put that little voice in your head that says, "oh come on, its just one more pack. You can just smoke it when you drink. I know you want one, and what's the harm. Just go buy a pack, for old time's sake. Just one. DO IT."

I have nicotine gum to help me through it. I don't want to get on e cigs or anything, because I know I'll be hooked on those instead. My mom has been chewing nicorette since she quit smoking 30 years ago, but I've never been much of a gum chewer, so it should be different. I hope. But anyway, I'm determined to quit because I've been saying for a year that I'd quit when I was done with college, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lie to myself like that.

But yeah, that's the hardest part about life right now. I guess. Really, I think the hardest part to deal with is something completely intangible. It's knowing how unexcited I am about it all. About finishing college in three years with two majors and graduating cum laude with a 3.75 and extremely time consuming extracurriculars. About starting a new job at a pretty decent salary. About life. I'm just not excited, even though I should be. I should be excited about all the good stuff happening in my life. But when I'm not in the moment - when I'm not high fiving Ken Starr or opening graduation presents or whatever, I'm just not that into it. It's whatever.

So I graduated. Everyone expected me to, so what's the big deal. So I graduated with honors. That's cool I guess, but it's not like I tried to. You know what I did in college. I screwed around and partied and smoked too many drugs and watched too much Netflix. I don't deserve any of it. But it happened, so yay me I guess. And the average person would be super excited to finish college like I did. But I'm just not.

So, if you know a phycologist in the area that can help me with my clinical depression, I'm up for suggestions. Because I'm pretty sure that's what it is. The councilor at Baylor thought that's what it is, and I'm leaning toward agreeing with her. I am depressed. I've come to accept the fact, and I need help. Probably medical help. Because life isn't exciting on any level. I glide through it. I do well at it. I'm pretty damn good at it, and I just don't care.

Sorry for the depressing post... I guess that's what you get when I write posts alone and drunk in my childhood bedroom. BUT ANYWAY. Seeing as I have little else to do, I may even go back to writing on a regular basis again. It's not like I have anyone to rant to anymore. Or talk to at all. I haven't seen anyone my age in a week, and reality is setting in that this is kinda how it's gonna be for the next several months. All alone, driving a minimum half hour to see friends on the weekends if I'm lucky.

I'm not even sure anyone reads this anymore, and I'm not sure I even care about that. It's just good to type it all out every once in awhile. Night everyone.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


There. Done. Finished. Over. What up.

I finished college today. Technically, I was done with learning last Wednesday, and only had a final this morning, but damn. It's just not the same until its legitimately over.

I only needed a 30 on this final to pass the class. I'm already employed; I don't need a stellar GPA, even though I'll still have one. So there wasn't any pressure, but this had to seriously be the worst way to go out. This test was 14 questions of awfulness. I answered the first three pretty fast, then stared at the rest of the them for awhile, occasionally having a spark of brilliance at one of them. Better yet, there are only 4 people in the class, and the other three are all buddy buddy and left me out in the cold. That wouldn't make a difference at the final, except that the professor, 5 minutes into it, said, okay, just email it to me when you're done. Then he left. Walked right out. So there we are, the three of them suddenly taking a group final, and me on the row behind them just doing my best on my own. Which, for the second exam worked out in my favor because I did better than all of them. Course, they all had the same answers, so...

Anyway, so there we are, alone, taking a final. I end up being the only one in there answering the last 3 questions because they all finished and left together. I got down to the last two, answered part of #13, and then said fuck it. Good enough. And it was good enough. Seriously, I only needed a 30. So that's how I finished college. Good enough, fuck this.

Kinda sums it all up, huh? But in any case, I'm done. I graduate in August, and until then, I'm going to travel thousands of miles around the country, starting with a trip down to the coast with a friend's family this weekend. Finally, my summer is here, and for the last time ever.

Party on, friends.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


OH, I totally forgot the reason I came over here in the first place.

I got super distracted filling you in on my life, that I forgot what reminded me about this silly blog I have. Maybe it's easier to just show you:

This is what I like to call the perfect example of poetic justice. These bastards are like hawks during the school year. Summer, it's a different story. I park in the dedicated medical center spots when I go into work and nothing bad happens. (Oh, I quit my life guarding gig. It's only the office assistant at the science building now.) But during the school year, God help you. They're relentless. 

It's nice to see them get a taste of their own medicine. I don't even know where the parking ticket money goes, but I'll bet their department relies on it for at least part of their budget. There has to be some incentive for them, because they're wayyy too efficient at their jobs to not see some of the funds. It's like 80 bucks every time I get caught in a faculty spot without any sticker on my car. That's just stupid, Kyle, why would you park in faculty knowing you're going to get a $80 ticket?! Well, if I get caught 3 times a year, that's still cheaper than actually paying to park on campus. Better yet, without a sticker - that is, without my car being registered through parking services, there's no way for them to track me down. I've never had my car booted, luckily. It's getting close to the point where they could boot my car, in which case they could demand all the previous tickets be paid plus about $70 (I think) to have the boot taken off. That'd be an issue. But so far so good, so I keep parking on campus where I shouldn't. 

But this fucker got what was coming. He got that boot. He got his clients worst nightmare. Taste of his own medicine, all that stuff. This is justice in its purest form. The perfect punishment for having a job being a relentless glorified mall cop that can give expensive, unnecessary tickets. That's what you get. Karma. Moral of the story? Don't work in a shitty job where you know people hate you for what you do. Do something good with your life that actually contributes to society instead of stealing money from broke college kids who can't afford to live next door to campus, much less pay for your stupid $350 parking sticker. 

My bike got stolen. Twice. Different bikes. One I got for high school graduation. So don't give me that "just bike to campus" stuff. Usually, I walk to class. Really. But concert band? It's on the other side of campus. Work? It's even farther on the other side of campus. And I have to go to those when it's hot outside in the afternoon. And by the time they're done, it's right at or after 5 pm, when the parking rules go away anyway. That's the real kicker. The parking sticker thing is only enforced weekdays from 8 to 5. How's that for getting your money's worth? Buy this expensive sticker that only guarantees a chance (a slim chance) of finding an open parking spot during 9 hours of 5 days a week. The rest of the time its fair game for anyone. 

But anyway, you get the idea. I hate Parking Services more than anything else on this campus, and I'm so glad this happened. I hope they had to pay a lot of money to take it off. 

On the other hand, if they did it ironically and intentionally just for a picture (as I have no idea as to the context of this photo), then I hate them even more for it.

Hey everyone, I'm still alive, don't worry.

Hey everyone, long time no see, as usual...

I was really going to work on contributing to this thing, as I'm the only contributor, you know? But life got in the way. I'm finishing college in 10 days. That's 7 days of class. It's unreal. Graduation isn't until August, but that's okay. I got a job starting in September with a company as a credit analyst in an office building about 2 or 3 minutes north of downtown Dallas. It's not the sexiest job or best paying one, but I'm excited all the same. Is it what I want to do for a living? No, but it's a fantastic entryway into the workforce and it seems like a really great company and opportunity. So all that's been going on.

PLUS, my parents are granting me a senior trip, where my friend and I are going to tour the west half of the country in the form of a two week road trip. Grand Canyon, Vegas, Santa Clara, the redwoods, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Yellowstone, and as much of Colorado as we can fit in. And whatever the hell we find on the way. It's going to be fantastic.

So long story short, I've been a bit busy. Doing that living thing. To be honest, a lot of the time I would have been at home alone writing blog entries I was out with friends drinking. Or watching Netflix or driving around or going to Dallas or golfing or just enjoying the outdoors. I don't spend much time alone anymore. I really try to avoid it, actually.

So for once in a really long time, I think there are fewer questions than answers in my life. Now the most pressing thing on the to do list (besides working on the itinerary for this awesome road trip) is to start looking for a place to live that isn't my parents house. Because no self-respecting college graduate lives at home after college for more than a few months at most. At least I don't plan to.

So bring it on life. I keep beating you at your own game.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

What about after college?

Full disclosure, I'm using you all right now in an attempt to not study for a test tomorrow. So deal with that.

But anyhow, today I was thinking about life after college. Yeah, sure, I have a basic plan. It's pretty simple, and has been getting simpler the closer it gets (big surprise, I'm realizing I'm lazy.) Originally, it was to move to Seattle or somewhere really far away. Just so I could. I'm tired of Texas, I said. I want to experience the world, I said.

But then I turned 21 and experienced Dallas for real. It's awesome. I never want to leave. All the other states and countries can suck it because I just fucking love Texas. I might get a job offer in Oklahoma, but I really dunno if I can live in Oklahoma. I despise that god awful state. (different rant for a different time, sorry.)

So my new plan is to move back with my parents for awhile, find a job close by and save up for a down payment for a house. That's the big exciting thing. Home ownership. I couldn't do that if I just ran off to some big city besides Dallas. I could just get an apartment, but I feel like owning a home is just one more step toward becoming a proper adult. I'm hoping it brings some sort of feeling of accomplishment to my life. I want a porch and a back yard and be able to have campfires and drink under the stars in the summer in privacy.

But I've known all this for awhile. What I was thinking about today was what about the rest of it? Sure, those are all pretty large scale things. But what about Friday night? Who am I going to go out with? What am I going to do with my time? With my luck, I'll be super lazy and stay at home and watch TV with my folks. That's nice and easy. No effort, no money. Maybe grab a six pack and just hang out in my back yard. Alone. Again, cheap, easy. But so lonely. I don't want to be lonely. My guess is I hang out with a few of my friends from high school, and maybe I make a few at work, if I'm lucky enough to find a job and find likeminded young people in said imaginary job.

It's a lot of free time to fill. What about weeknights? Do I suddenly become super domesticated? Spend my weeknights like my parents? Watching TV and doing laundry? I mean, I watch TV all the time already, but I do it with friends. It's completely different. I just can't imagine not having homework or something to be doing. Having a life separate from work. True free time where there's not that project or test looming in the back of my mind. I've worked very hard to fill my schedule in college, and there's always, always something I can be doing. Post college though... there's just nothing. No job, yet. No fraternity. No band. No school. No friends available every night. Just me and my parents. I'll probably go crazy.

Monday, March 4, 2013

oh, right.

I think I got a little side tracked with that last one. Where was I? Right, last you heard, I was looking for a job. Now I have two. I'm a life guard and a data entry guy. Both on campus, both minimum wage. Most of my life guarding shifts are pretty late at night, which fits my sleep schedule pretty well. Now the big worry is a real job, since I'm graduating in August now. Big boy jobs are a lot harder to come by, apparently. I'd even settle for a post graduation internship right now.

In other news, I'm living by myself now. And when I say by myself, I mean not even my dog is here. He stayed home all of last semester, and I've had him for about two months, but he just went home because March Madness is coming up quick, and with all those trips with the band, it's better to just leave him with the parents for awhile.

I guess the biggest development is that this semester I started going to the counseling center on campus. They keep asking, "what do you want to gain from this?" and "Why did you start coming?" I honestly can't answer those. I guess a few of my friends said it helped them. Honestly, it's because freshman year when I heard about getting 7 free sessions, I vowed to one day use them (since I wasn't happy then either) and that whole mess with whatsyourface and my parents just put me over the edge. I was so mad at everything and everyone and myself that I just had to do something about it. Talk to someone about it. So the first week of class I finally went. It's in the same building I work in, so it's not like I had any excuse not to drop by. We're still figuring out what's wrong with me, and more to come later, but as it sits, I'm still not happy. I'm not excited about life, even though I should be. It seems like I have everything going for me - I have a 3.78 GPA, I'm on the verge of graduating and starting my life, I balance school with two jobs, an amazing fraternity, and a hobby that I love. I have my place in life, and it keeps me busy almost constantly.

When I'm not doing something, I'm doing nothing. Duh, right? What I mean is that when I'm not in class or with friends or at work or at band or doing something with other people, I sit at home and watch Netflix or play on my phone or aimlessly wonder around the internet - completely unproductive activities. I could be cleaning my house or my car, doing my laundry, applying for jobs, doing homework, taking a shower, doing the dishes, buying groceries, reading textbooks, cooking... hell, even writing for this stupid blog that 10 people read. At least it's something. I don't know why I don't do any of those things. I use to say I was too lazy, but it's something else. I just feel aimless when I'm not busy. Purposeless. Useless. I can't bring myself to go do anything by myself for myself.

So I'm seeing someone about it now. Step one, check. Now follows happiness after a few more steps. Hopefully. I'm not sure what happiness feels like. As it sits, I go through the motions every day. Nothing is especially exciting. I don't look forward to tomorrow. I play my part and don't feel any satisfaction. I'm not planning on killing myself by any means, but if I were to die, say, in a car crash, I wouldn't particularly care. It just saves me the trouble of having to put up with living. And that's just no way to go through life, so hopefully something good comes out of this whole counseling thing. You assholes never comment, so I won't bother asking about your experience with counseling and what you got from it.

Other than that.... okay, let's go through the checklist. Girlfriend? Not a chance. Job? Two minimum wage college jobs, but no real one. I did an interview not too long ago, but they sent me a letter saying thanks but no thanks. School? Verge of graduation if I can pass my classes. Which usually isn't a problem, even though it feels like I'm tanking every semester. I made a 4.0 last semester without trying (nearly, anyway; I studied the night before tests). It felt like I was failing all my classes, then poof, straight A's. I can't argue too much. Social life? I go to bars a lot now that I can legally drink. It's pretty much replaced all the other crutches I had. As far as my fraternity goes, we got seven new members over the weekend, so that's cool.

I'm out of things to talk about I think. But as a bonus story, a few weeks ago, someone smashed the back passenger window of my car and stole my trumpet out of the backseat. The same week I got a ticket for rolling through a stop sign, and Valentine's Day reminded me how alone I was. It wasn't a great week. But I can do defensive driving and have the ticket dropped, and the police found my trumpet, in the case, in perfect shape, in an alley way near my apartment. Apparently the douche that took it thought it was a gun in a bag or something and then didn't want it. So all in all, the ticket and window cost me about $350, which is still a lot better than paying a $250 ticket and replacing a $1500 trumpet, $100 mouthpiece, and $100 trumpet case. So there's your miracle story of the day.
Hi everyone.

Usually I don't have a very good reason to ignore this. This time I do, because it got me into trouble. I must have said something on here that was a very bad thing to release to the world, and after it ruined my life, I went ahead and swore off blogging. But that was 8 months ago.

Last you heard, I think I was looking for a job, it was summer after my second year of college. Well, after this little debacle, my parents decided I needed to move home, away from all the bad influences, and go to UNT or UTD so they could keep a closer eye on me. Well, I talked them down. I'm still at school where I've always been at school. I talked them down a lot more after that; I'm still in my fraternity, I'm still in band and basketball band. But they still made me move to separate myself from the bad influences - just across town a bit. (As a college kid, a few blocks might as well be a dozen miles - if it isn't easy walking distance, it doesn't exist.) And I have to pay my last year at college on my own. So to fix that one, I talked to my advisor and it turns out if I try really hard and take a few classes over the summer, I can graduate by August and just skip my last year. So I'm doing that.

So thank you, anonymous reader. I totally understand your intentions. You were trying to save me from myself. I am the problem, and I realize that. I don't do bad things anymore, thanks to you. I'm 21 now, so drinking isn't an issue to work around, and the other things are practically nonexistent. So good on you for changing a life. But really. You can't come tell it to my face? You have to go behind my back and go to my parents directly? Just show up at my doorstep while I'm two hours away enjoying my life, only to get a call from my mother saying, "Kyle, we think you should come home right now. We'll talk about it later." You realize that you nearly crushed everything I had going for me, right? I almost got taken out of school. You ruined the relationship I had with my parents. They think I'm a low life nothing now. You, whoever you are, ruined my relationship with my friends and family. When my best friend and my brother wouldn't give me a name even when they knew who you were, I simply cut them off, never to speak to them again. I don't think you realize what you did to me. I'm not mad about the telling my parents. Like I said, I know it's my own fault. But to go behind my back and tell my parents and let them deal with it? Really? And then put your friends in the position to have to choose who to be loyal to, you or me... it's a terrible thing to do. What's even better is that they chose you. They were loyal to you. They won't tell me who you are, and it kills me every day not knowing who you are. Still. Of course, they say its for my own good; they won't tell me because it's my fault and I don't need someone else to blame. But the thing is, I don't need your name to blame you, so what's the point? I can be mad at an anonymous source just as easily as one with a name, so grow a pair of fucking balls and come tell it to my face. Come out and admit who you are. Muster any self-respect and courage you have left and come talk to me. This conversation is about 8 months late. You think you can just come in and upend my life and disappear? Think again, who ever you are. Until you sit down with me and we talk about this, this isn't over.

All I have is my friends. And I trust my friends. Too much apparently. I confess things to my friends in confidence. Now I trust no one, confide in no one, rely on no one. You did this to me. You broke my faith in other people. You took from me the one thing I had left. You put me in counseling. You gave me depression. You ruined my life by the act, not the content. You broke my trust in everyone by being anonymous. You broke me.