Monday, March 4, 2013

Hi everyone.

Usually I don't have a very good reason to ignore this. This time I do, because it got me into trouble. I must have said something on here that was a very bad thing to release to the world, and after it ruined my life, I went ahead and swore off blogging. But that was 8 months ago.

Last you heard, I think I was looking for a job, it was summer after my second year of college. Well, after this little debacle, my parents decided I needed to move home, away from all the bad influences, and go to UNT or UTD so they could keep a closer eye on me. Well, I talked them down. I'm still at school where I've always been at school. I talked them down a lot more after that; I'm still in my fraternity, I'm still in band and basketball band. But they still made me move to separate myself from the bad influences - just across town a bit. (As a college kid, a few blocks might as well be a dozen miles - if it isn't easy walking distance, it doesn't exist.) And I have to pay my last year at college on my own. So to fix that one, I talked to my advisor and it turns out if I try really hard and take a few classes over the summer, I can graduate by August and just skip my last year. So I'm doing that.

So thank you, anonymous reader. I totally understand your intentions. You were trying to save me from myself. I am the problem, and I realize that. I don't do bad things anymore, thanks to you. I'm 21 now, so drinking isn't an issue to work around, and the other things are practically nonexistent. So good on you for changing a life. But really. You can't come tell it to my face? You have to go behind my back and go to my parents directly? Just show up at my doorstep while I'm two hours away enjoying my life, only to get a call from my mother saying, "Kyle, we think you should come home right now. We'll talk about it later." You realize that you nearly crushed everything I had going for me, right? I almost got taken out of school. You ruined the relationship I had with my parents. They think I'm a low life nothing now. You, whoever you are, ruined my relationship with my friends and family. When my best friend and my brother wouldn't give me a name even when they knew who you were, I simply cut them off, never to speak to them again. I don't think you realize what you did to me. I'm not mad about the telling my parents. Like I said, I know it's my own fault. But to go behind my back and tell my parents and let them deal with it? Really? And then put your friends in the position to have to choose who to be loyal to, you or me... it's a terrible thing to do. What's even better is that they chose you. They were loyal to you. They won't tell me who you are, and it kills me every day not knowing who you are. Still. Of course, they say its for my own good; they won't tell me because it's my fault and I don't need someone else to blame. But the thing is, I don't need your name to blame you, so what's the point? I can be mad at an anonymous source just as easily as one with a name, so grow a pair of fucking balls and come tell it to my face. Come out and admit who you are. Muster any self-respect and courage you have left and come talk to me. This conversation is about 8 months late. You think you can just come in and upend my life and disappear? Think again, who ever you are. Until you sit down with me and we talk about this, this isn't over.

All I have is my friends. And I trust my friends. Too much apparently. I confess things to my friends in confidence. Now I trust no one, confide in no one, rely on no one. You did this to me. You broke my faith in other people. You took from me the one thing I had left. You put me in counseling. You gave me depression. You ruined my life by the act, not the content. You broke my trust in everyone by being anonymous. You broke me.

No comments:

Post a Comment