Friday, March 30, 2012

The thrill is always in the hunt, never the catch.

I have a serious problem being content with my life. I always need a direction. Maybe its too much tv. They skip the mundane parts of life and skip around to the exciting bits. I'm not sure that's the reason, but I don't think it helps.

I just can't settle down and say, hey, this is going pretty good. Instead, there's always something I need, and then I'll be happy. A girl, an internship, a job, a dog, a clean house... yeah, it doesn't have to be big. Even something like cleaning the house gives me some direction. Temporary, sure, but at least I feel somewhat accomplished. Last week when I cleaned out my room I ended up throwing away two full bags of crap I really didn't need, and that gave me some fleeting sense of contentment. Then the week started and I fell right back into the rut.

Even when its the big stuff, I can't be satisfied. In high school I was always single or in a short relationship. The thrill is in the hunt. I get the girl, we have that blissful, careless new relationship where its all smiles, and then things settle down and suddenly I don't want the relationship anymore. I hope its just because I'm good and fast at realizing when a relationship isn't going to last. We'll go with that for now.

And when, in my single, depressing slumber, that hint of a hunt pops up, suddenly my life is exciting again. Then I can smile and go on with life. That ecstasy that comes from the mission, the goal, is what I live for. It keeps me going. As soon as that spark of interest happens and my brain rattles through the possibilities, I start living my life; I start moving forward and things start to change. Good, bad, whatever. It doesn't matter. Things are changing. The story is unfolding, and I'm along for the ride. It's like having my own tv show, except with the mundane bits in between.

This is why I love drama. I hate it while I'm in it, but I realize what's going on. I get this sick thrill out of it, and it doesn't even matter what happens in the end. So far, I'm once again single, so that should give you an idea of how all the past drama panned out. But I learn, and I move on, and... oh wait, make the same mistakes again. But that means the same rush from the drama. Different girl, different situation, but all the same.

I'm glad I stopped that cycle. Unfortunately, that means I've been single for way longer than I think I ever have been since I started dating, and its getting really old. That poor, demented spark of excitement has been wasting away on what I can't have. It got smothered and is going out. Does that mean I don't love her? No, it means the twisted part of me is at a stalemate with the situation and is saying, "Kyleeeee, what are you doing, wasting your time like this? Nothing is changing, and it's not going to ever change at this rate. It's just going to be worse later if you keep going, anyway. Move on, Kyle. Find something new and exciting. Why are you just sitting here? That's no fun, Kyle!"

It's only human, after all, to want things that are bad for you. I look for drama. When I try to break the cycle and just calm down, that evil, thrill-seeking voice in my head makes me depressed again, slowing convincing me to get up and go on. And this time I'm in gridlock with myself. I can't just move on. That voice wants the hunt, but all I want is to stay caught up on this girl I can't have. That I won't ever have.

But since when did that ever stop my twisted, self-torturing half from anything? "If you can't move on, Kyle, it looks like I'll have to work with what we have." But no, I shouldn't, I reason back. I can't. I won't.

And then I try anyway. The two sides, fighting over what to do. And meanwhile, life keeps going, and I'm stuck in this intra-stalemate. This internal battle of wits. Opportunities come, but I miss them. Don't even realize they're passing by. I just have this kind of tunnel vision for this girl. Nothing else matters, and that's for both halves. Both can agree on one thing. I love this girl. The difference between them is what to do about it. The right thing, or the drama-causing, friendship-ending, devilish path I shouldn't go down, but don't have the self-control to steer away from.

Someday I'll get control of my whole brain, but until then, the thrill will always remain in the hunt, whichever one it may be.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Its a double post kinda day. That last one was a specific thought. Now just to ramble a bit. Today kinda sucked, and not because of the day. Its 75 with a light breeze and not a cloud in the sky. One of my classes was canceled. The test that was today got moved in another class. I didn't get yelled at like most days by my bitch professor. It should have been a good day. But I woke up and realized something.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

Not a clue. I fall into this pattern of class, homework, social, sleep, repeat. And not always in that order... okay, never in that order, but regardless. What am I doing? Just sailing through life. No plans for the future at all, really. Worry about today, get to tomorrow, worry about it then. All these people around me are out accomplishing things and making plans. Meeting people, getting internships, starting businesses, and all other kinds of awesome things that make me go, wow, I wish I had it together like that guy. That guy is getting ahead and making a name for himself. He knows what he wants to do and has it planned out all the way to retirement, which at this rate is 35 for him.

I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I don't know anyone that's knowingly planning on retiring at 35, but all the same, some of these people I know are headed in that kinda direction, and it's because they have their lives together. Where do these people find that kind of motivation to break the mold of routine and do something with themselves?

I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's a Thursday afternoon, and I have a four day weekend ahead of me, like always. What am I going to do? I'll tell you. I'll tell myself, okay, here's your school work due Tuesday. Here's the schoolwork you should get ahead on that's due Thursday or later. Here's the test to start studying for on Thursday. Then I'll forget about it and go hang out with friends. I'll probably get pretty drunk at some point between now and Tuesday. I'll watch about a season of Weeds on Netflix, because that's my current tv OCD addiction. I'll sleep about 50 hours. Maybe more. Monday night around 11, I'll open my backback and procrastinate a bit, then start my homework around midnight.

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I see the problem. I know what to do. I also know, though, that I have zero motivation to do any of it. Why fix it? I have a 3.7 gpa. I'm surviving. Tomorrow is covered, so who gives two shits about the day after that? God forbid I think about next YEAR, and most of all avoid a career at all costs. Because right now, I have netflix.

Tonight, I think I'll do a bit of spring cleaning. That should help make me feel like I have my life together. Cleaning always makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. Not just tiding up around the house and doing dishes and laundry and such, but like, super spring cleaning. Throwing out shit I saved but haven't touched in over a year kinda cleaning. A few shots of tequilla should really help this process. Sounds like a quality Thursday night to me. See you all after the hangover.

Up and Go?

Have you ever thought about just liquidating nearly everything you own and just moving? I mean everything... selling your computer, phone, car, bed, furniture, tv, clothes... anything and everything. I'd say maybe keep a carry-on worth of stuff. Whatever fits in your bag you can keep, but the goal is to get as much cash as possible.

And then one day without really telling anyone, just disappearing. Grab a one way Southwest ticket to anywhere and just start over. Find a cheap place and a job, using that cash from your phone, ipod, car, etc. to hold you over till pay day. Hopefully that job is more than washing dishes, but if it comes to that, okay.

Like, if I up and moved today, I wouldn't have a college degree. That really limits my options. I'd probably have a dirt cheap apartment within walking distance of a minimum wage job. But I wouldn't have all the stress I have now. Just a new stress to make a living.

Let's change the scenario... what if you were doing this to truly disappear? This means trying to get rid of any shred of your life now. Get rid of your online presence, for one. You can't tell any of your friends or family what you're doing. You're just gone one day. Like you died or were kidnapped or something. If there was ever a real reason for you to, could you do it? If you got into something so deep that you had to move somewhere and leave no trace, you think you could pull it off and never be found?

I've thought about it, and I really think I could do it, if it REALLY came down to it. My dad survived on a cash only, handy-man business for 6 years. It was hard labor, but easy on skill set to a degree. I could learn to do flooring and fencing, and those alone would give me a decent income. Not even the government would know where I was. This isn't to say I'm going to, or that I want to right now. But I could, and I guess as a plan z, it's comforting. If there were zero options left, I could always go to plan z. Marginally better than suicide, right?

Just the interesting thought of the day.