Sunday, August 9, 2009


have you ever been coming off of a caffeine buzz and realized that your life just sucks?

i mean, been all hyper and caught up in the moment, living life as it comes for those few hours, too distracted and hyper to actually think, too crazy to think or care about life in the big picture sense?

too crazy to think about the past?

too hyper to think about consequences?

too distracted to think of your problems at that moment?

its nice, isnt it?

but then you realize, slowly, what you said, what you did, and then you add that to the problems you already have, that you're starting to re-realize, and to the nostalgia that you get when you think of more simplistic days. you realize there is so much crap in your life, and you just spent the last hours doing the completely irresponsible thing of just ignoring it. caffeine is a drug. and its an addictive one; not just because it has chemicals that make your brain crave it and make your head burst with throbbing pain if you go too long without it, but also because it lets you escape. it makes everything seem ok. remember, this isnt pot i'm talking about. and its not some crazy hippie pill that makes your kitchen sink's disposal fly into the air and attack your little sister. its the thing they put into soft drinks. coffee. chocolate. its perfectly legal. and i'm an addict.

i dont like coming back to the world, realizing that all there is is pain. too many problems, too much anger, too much sadness to deal with, and it all just results in pain. whether it be the emotional pain of having my girlfriend mad at me..... again....... or the physical pain of having a few dr peppers eat away at the lining of my otherwise empty stomach, there is nothing but pain. i wish it didnt have to be like that. i wish it could all disappear and leave me with my toy cars and a tire swing, army men and an imagination, under a cool autumn sun with a pleasant breeze. back when the worst problem of my world had no consequence, and no one could get hurt. what am i going to play today, fire fighter or astronaut, with the new refrigerator box? what am i going to ask grandma to cook me today? bubbles or no bubbles in the bath tonight? pressing issues, these things. not "what am i going to do about a mad girlfriend, or 100 ignored boy scouts that i'm in charge of, or a trumpet section, or summer reading, or a pissed off mr mason, or my stagnant eagle project, or the people waiting for me to call them back about that eagle project, or the parents who want it all done NOW, along with the yard and pool?" those were nonexistent. i couldnt have imagined this kind of responsibility or pressure or stress. and i hear it doesnt go downhill from here. i heard junior year was the hardest, but no. this is much worse. this is the real world.

and there's no escaping it, no matter how much caffeine you put into your system.

Monday, August 3, 2009

why do we try?

i am in band. yay band. wait. yay band?
after the first day today of our official senior year of band, i've come to realize something.

i dont care.

the only thing that kept me in band was mr. davis. i like playing my instrument, but not enough to put up with that wretched man we sometimes compare to a puppeteer, a god, satan, mother earth, a robot, and so many other things. now that he's gone, and replaced with the worst possible thing possible - a man with a teaching style much like fucking sanchez's, i cant stand it anymore. i might just go tell mason i quit and walk out. i have the region music. i dont need all this fucking pressure to go with it. i'll just learn the damn music and go to region. get a solo and go to solo. thats the most important part of our program anyway, right? why do the rest of it. its my senior year. i dont want to put up with this crap anymore, and now that davis is gone, there really just isnt any reason to. sure, sure, that feeling you get when they call our name out when we make finals or win or get third at state is great and all, but lets face it. its a BOA year. they hate us. we're fucked and we all know it.

i can either stay in band for another 177.5 hours of rehearsal (probably more - thats just the rest of summer and after school rehearsals), or i can devote that 7.4 DAYS to more productive things, like eagle scout so my parents will help pay for college. so i can get INTO college. so i can get scholarships and jobs. thats important. this band shit is crap. what is it on some job application in any state but this one? what is it on most job applications IN texas? nothing. 'leadership'. yeah. in some stupid freaking high school, amature band. first trumpet in the DSO. thats something people understand. and how do i get there? sure as hell isnt marching band.

so why the heck do we try so hard? i ask every band kid i know 'why do we stay in band?' and they all have the same response: "hmmm........i dont know." well neither do i. its about time i did something about it too. why am i section leader? what are the benefits? i get yelled at. i get blamed. i get another 20 pounds added to the backpack of responsibility i'm already wearing. wooh. why do i stay in marching band? so i can get out in the hot and sweat? so i can get yelled at some more? so i can waste another 178 hours of my life? well thats just great. i guess i have all the reasons in the world to try.