Tuesday, September 29, 2009

oh, band...

alright, so i just finished posting my little piece to facebook about caring about band and how we need to step it up. and i agree with everything i wrote.

but i feel like a dirty hypocrite for writing it. i like that i did, but i hate myself for it, since i feel like the bad guy. is that normal? to do something responsible and mature and feel bad for it because its not the cool thing to do? should i feel guilty for that? i dont think so, but i do anyway. the hypocrite part comes in because i like goofing off during band. i like talking and muttering all kinds of bad things to mason as he dictates. i love saying 'screw it, i have 'leadership duties' and can just fall out' and use that as an excuse to not march for a while. i love abusing my power. but its completely wrong and i know it.

i'm glad i chose to be section leader. this way, i am supposed to make the difference, instead of waiting for someone else to, since theyre in charge. if i wasnt section leader, i have a feeling things would fall apart even worse than they have for the trumpets. i'm not trying to be all narcissistic or egotistical...i really believe i have served the section for the better, despite my silliness. if i wasnt section leader, i would be writing that facebook note anyway by this point, maybe earlier, and in addition complain about the incompetence of those above me. luckily, only other people can complain about my incompetence, so thats one problem avoided... i guess. i cant sit back and take the back seat, passively watching things happen. i needed to be where i am, with the ability to change minds and have people listen. i needed that power to make a difference. sure, sure, i could do it without. i could be the life of the section without a title, but this makes it so much easier. just the title gets the section listening. lets hope what i have to say makes them listen more.

i know i'm not perfect, but i really just want to make the section better.... one in my section said this one a while ago:

"Kyle, I liked it better when you weren't section leader... You weren't an asshole then."

that sure made my day. when the only option is to gain respect through frustration, i've done something wrong. when i have to yell to make people listen, something is wrong. maybe its not me. maybe this certain person just doesnt like authority and people having control over him.

another person, when asked why he screws around during band, answered

"because band is so boring! it just helps pass time"

why be in band at all. why do it if its boring. why put up with mason's crap if you dont care. i would rather you quit than take down the section, but i'm stuck with several people who are forced to be there by their parents. stupid parents who don't care about the success of our group. if you dont want to be there, you dont try. when you dont try, you do things that distract others and make them not try. its contagious. i learned that in boy scouts. about 90% of them are there against their will. it makes maintaining the peace next to impossible. just a handful of these kids in the band brings the whole section to the ground. so what am i supposed to do about them? encourage them to quit to their face? i cant do that. not march them? too late. they dont wanna march anyway. they make the other kid do it. but seriously, what can i do? ignore them? even if i do, the other kids wont. he's still a distraction. they are still distractions. plural. i can only get mad in the hopes that they respond to something. anything. but apparently not.

does this mean i fail as a section leader? or that they fail as band kids? or both? does the fact that the section as a whole is awful mean i have failed? or that it was a doomed, impossible mission from the start? a simply unobtainable task? i cant believe that. i should have the ability to change the section into the section that cares and tries and succeeds. its my fault they arent good. i have them to blame, but what good is that. i have myself to blame just as much, if not more.

i feel as if i have failed my section. yes, they are dumb. but not untrainable. dogs can be trained. monkeys can be trained. FISH can be trained. but mine cant? yes, they can. i just cant do it. i dont know the secret formula for respect. i cant even get them to stand at attention. how is it i knew how as a fish, but they dont now? was that leadership better at their job, or did i just care more? i cant tell. why did i care, if thats the case? because i bought into the whole band idea? well why did i do that? the leadership? mason? my own personal feelings? if its one of the first ones, where have i gone wrong? why cant my freshmen buy into this whole band concept?

i have failed.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

various things that are on my mind.... you get used to it.

ok there is a story behind this one. I got bored. that's the short version.

the longer version is that i was with some friends and watched the band video from sophomore year and saw all the graduated kids and the old traditions that went away with them and all the fun we had back then when we werent in charge. then i went home and decided to write about it, but at the same time, i was bored of writing like normal. so i decided to mix it up a little and try my hand at writing all formally. so dont laugh at me if it sucks; i think its a good first attempt.


Nostalgia claims the best of men; the strongest of the human race is no competition for time. Always victorious, time claims as its own that which man knows, those who man loves, and moments which cannot be recreated. A moment is just that - a small pocket of time that in just another moment has been stolen from a person, leaving in its place only a memory, which is similar to a picture of a dead family member - captured forever, never changing, but never reality. That person will never speak or laugh or love again, nor be there when his loved ones need him - he is reduced to that picture, just as time is constantly reduced from present to past.

A good memory is an ironic, paradoxical thing. It is a joyful time or action to remember, a wonderful thing to recount and pass on, and a time to bring back into the mind to help move onward and maintain happiness in this life. It is also that which mocks man, reminding man that what he is now can never be what he was then, that he may never recreate the glorious circumstances that made the memory. he longs for the feeling associated with the memory, be it love happiness, belonging, order, relevance, or a number of other similar feelings and emotions that can be embodied in a memory and stolen from man by the greedy unforgiving elements of time. Nostalgia, to man, then, is not the happiness of the remembered, but the melancholy longing for that which he does not have and cannot recover, no matter the amount he is willing to sacrifice.

When the bad is forgotten and all that remains is the pure good and joy of life, complete with loving relationships, man cannot keep his mind from these memories, these moments time has taken forever, leaving him so ironically somber.


so anyway, that was my little proper rambling of the day, even though i didnt immediately put it here like everything else i ramble about. speaking of things i ramble about....

why is homecoming such a big deal? who said, "oh! lets go spend hundreds of dollars on each other and call it affection! lets go to a dance that socially awkward people arent invited to so we can have a reason to laugh at them on monday! lets come up with an excuse to make people socially conform. again."? really. who did that. who turned a simple alumni gathering into such a commercialized commotion where everyone has to spend money or they're stupid? where everyone has to spend money or theyre a bad boyfriend? or a lousy, uncaring person? and the real question.....why doesnt anyone question it?! why do we put up with it?! does it make us feel good? is that the reason? does it make us feel accepted to be doing the same thing as everyone else? is it that sorta thing? what could possibly motivate us to do this.
christmas is different. its a worldwide tradition of the centuries and it feels good to get a specific, personalized item for a person in the form of a present. with homecoming, personalization is putting the names on the plastic flower. the present looks just like everyone else's. its not special. its only special if they spent more money on it than everyone else. thats what makes it different. christmas presents can be cheap and mean the world to someone. the only thing that makes mums worth it is taking all the time to DO IT YOURSELF. that shows that you care. spending time on it - taking your valuable time and spend it making a stupid mum. the mum isnt worth anything. its a symbol, thats all. sure, it costs way too much, but cost and worth are different. if you get yours made or delievered, it really is worthless. i'm sorry, but i hate you for getting it ordered. you have the wrong idea. an ugly, homemade mum beats a fancy, expensive, perfect factory ordered one any day of the week.

so. the new season of the office starts tomorrow along with all my other favorite thursday nbc shows (including community, the new one with the guy from derrick comedy), the cowboys play a home game this weekend, house starts next week.... tv in the next few days is looking pretty good. this is the time of year my grades go down hill...but not this year, because im a senior, and they dont give us homework anymore.

ok thats a lie. i have so much crap due on friday its not funny. but having only 5 classes sure gives the illusion of less homework from each class. i know band and advanced reading and calculus have virtually no homework ever. macro has reading every once in a while. english..... oh english.... has a few long term projects, homework and outside reading and the whole 9 yards. its just silly. one class will be the death of me. and what do i have to show for it?

3 grades. but really 2, because one's still blank. all that work, and i only have 2 grades in the class in almost 4 weeks. what the heck.

anyway, i'm done for now. be back next time i'm bored. :]

Monday, September 14, 2009

i'm in a bits and pieces mood, so deal. its not a paragraph, but its not really a poem either. its just....lines.

do you ever feel like nothing could go wrong?
even when you know for sure things are going wrong as you think?
it seems totally backwards, to be in a good mood
when there isnt anything going for you.
but sometimes it happens.
while i knew there was just so much drama in my life,
and so much wrong with my life,
nothing could spoil my hopes.
i was overjoyed and overconfident,
thinking i could just sway things in my direction.
oh how stupid.
i simply put aside the bad,
ignored it completely without knowing it.
i refused to let myself acknowledge the world going on around me,
refusing to let myself know how it was going to end.
then it ended.
and the world crumbled,
but i stood with a blank stare,
simply trying to comprehend what was happening,
because i hadnt thought of this possiblility.
it caught me offguard.
it wasnt an option, but it was happening anyway.
i should have seen that coming.
i wasnt in control.
i couldnt sway anything.
it wasnt my choice to make.
i really should have seen that coming.

oh well.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

back into the swing of things.

thought of school first? well so did i. so lets start there.

yes indeed, school is underway. already the 2nd week. time flies when .....you only have 5 classes. thats right. there is no fun being had, but at least its better than freaking junior year, right? i dont mind this whole school thing for once. as a friend put it, its our last year of free education. that made me think how spoiled i was... i get an education until i'm 18 for free (well, taxes, but you know what i mean), and all i ever do is complain about it. i might as well get something out of it for a year, especially since most of it doesnt mean much. sure, there are AP classes, but being this close to going away to college and stuff..... it just makes high school seem more like day care.

but hey, i have advanced reading, which is actually one of the deeper classes i've ever taken. it sounds like a blow off class because it is, but only if you want it to be, like most blow off classes. then there's macro, which is totally fascinating to me. i finally found a class that just kinda clicks in my mind. i get it. and i like it. this doesnt happen a lot, so be amazed. its not memorization so much as it is logic. and it has like, A REAL PURPOSE. thats the best part. it applies. it isnt a research project on a dead poet or learning a language that will never be spoken outside of the classroom... its analyzing the recession we're in now and finding ways of not being as affected by it. its realizing what you have to go through as a business. its looking at how the world worked in the past, how it works now, and how it'll work years and years from now. its the most applicable class i've ever taken.

then theres english, which has 2 long term projects, we had a timed writing test grade on the second day of school, right now we're picking our way through beowulf... lets look at this. what does identifying another appositive have to do with my life at all? when the hell am i going to need to analyze old english poetry?

then theres band, which is the closest thing i have to a hobby, i guess.... it never goes away though. honor band 1st, practice during 6th, section leader meeting during 7th, after school band, rinse and repeat. right now i have band for about 6 hours a day. thats no hobby, thats prison. especially without mr. davis.....damn doctorate.

enough school. i'm back into other swings of things besides the daily school thing. besides, i've been waking up early for weeks now for (oh wait for it...) band. hard work and homework are nothing new to me, i've been working on an eagle project at home for months. no no, i have plenty of other things to fall back into. but right now its just about midnight and i have plenty of homework i've been procrastinating for hours..... yet another habit i've quickly readapted to this new school year.

if you read this, do tell. i have no way of knowing how many people read this, so i dunno if i'm actually talking to someone when i write these, or just kinda into the nothingness of the internet.

i'll be back to talk about something more meaningful than school sooner or later. :]