alright, so i just finished posting my little piece to facebook about caring about band and how we need to step it up. and i agree with everything i wrote.
but i feel like a dirty hypocrite for writing it. i like that i did, but i hate myself for it, since i feel like the bad guy. is that normal? to do something responsible and mature and feel bad for it because its not the cool thing to do? should i feel guilty for that? i dont think so, but i do anyway. the hypocrite part comes in because i like goofing off during band. i like talking and muttering all kinds of bad things to mason as he dictates. i love saying 'screw it, i have 'leadership duties' and can just fall out' and use that as an excuse to not march for a while. i love abusing my power. but its completely wrong and i know it.
i'm glad i chose to be section leader. this way, i am supposed to make the difference, instead of waiting for someone else to, since theyre in charge. if i wasnt section leader, i have a feeling things would fall apart even worse than they have for the trumpets. i'm not trying to be all narcissistic or egotistical...i really believe i have served the section for the better, despite my silliness. if i wasnt section leader, i would be writing that facebook note anyway by this point, maybe earlier, and in addition complain about the incompetence of those above me. luckily, only other people can complain about my incompetence, so thats one problem avoided... i guess. i cant sit back and take the back seat, passively watching things happen. i needed to be where i am, with the ability to change minds and have people listen. i needed that power to make a difference. sure, sure, i could do it without. i could be the life of the section without a title, but this makes it so much easier. just the title gets the section listening. lets hope what i have to say makes them listen more.
i know i'm not perfect, but i really just want to make the section better.... one in my section said this one a while ago:
"Kyle, I liked it better when you weren't section leader... You weren't an asshole then."
that sure made my day. when the only option is to gain respect through frustration, i've done something wrong. when i have to yell to make people listen, something is wrong. maybe its not me. maybe this certain person just doesnt like authority and people having control over him.
another person, when asked why he screws around during band, answered
"because band is so boring! it just helps pass time"
why be in band at all. why do it if its boring. why put up with mason's crap if you dont care. i would rather you quit than take down the section, but i'm stuck with several people who are forced to be there by their parents. stupid parents who don't care about the success of our group. if you dont want to be there, you dont try. when you dont try, you do things that distract others and make them not try. its contagious. i learned that in boy scouts. about 90% of them are there against their will. it makes maintaining the peace next to impossible. just a handful of these kids in the band brings the whole section to the ground. so what am i supposed to do about them? encourage them to quit to their face? i cant do that. not march them? too late. they dont wanna march anyway. they make the other kid do it. but seriously, what can i do? ignore them? even if i do, the other kids wont. he's still a distraction. they are still distractions. plural. i can only get mad in the hopes that they respond to something. anything. but apparently not.
does this mean i fail as a section leader? or that they fail as band kids? or both? does the fact that the section as a whole is awful mean i have failed? or that it was a doomed, impossible mission from the start? a simply unobtainable task? i cant believe that. i should have the ability to change the section into the section that cares and tries and succeeds. its my fault they arent good. i have them to blame, but what good is that. i have myself to blame just as much, if not more.
i feel as if i have failed my section. yes, they are dumb. but not untrainable. dogs can be trained. monkeys can be trained. FISH can be trained. but mine cant? yes, they can. i just cant do it. i dont know the secret formula for respect. i cant even get them to stand at attention. how is it i knew how as a fish, but they dont now? was that leadership better at their job, or did i just care more? i cant tell. why did i care, if thats the case? because i bought into the whole band idea? well why did i do that? the leadership? mason? my own personal feelings? if its one of the first ones, where have i gone wrong? why cant my freshmen buy into this whole band concept?
i have failed.