Friday, December 17, 2010

It's Christmas break. It's been Christmas break for... 2 days now.

....can I go back to school now?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I can't imagine that any other time of the year is quite as productive as finals week. At some time, students around the world are actually studying. Probably during the 12 hours before the final, like me. The remainder of the time, however, is not any less productive. I see on facebook that many Snake and Cubefield scores are being boosted to new high scores, I have learned more about the most random things - like the conspiracy theory that the Japanese were aided by aliens in WWII, my room has never been cleaner than it is right now, I finished the 4th Harry Potter again, AND I keep finding these funny little internetisms, like the one above. I really don't think any other time of the year is this productive. Sure, it's really stressful with the whole finals part of finals week, but during all that time that you aren't studying or worrying or actually taking the finals, you're accomplishing so much while you procrastinate!

But really, I shouldn't be writing this post. I should be making flashcards.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

friends and tests

"Oh, and I'm bringing Kyle with me; he's lonely."

Story of my life. For a while now, anyway. Sorry to reiterate myself so many times, but I still feel like I have one friend, and that most of my friends are really his friends, or just some acquaintances of mine.

But maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong. Maybe I just need to grow up and realize that everyone has their separate lives and high school friends and college friends are different. It's not high school, where we're all in the same little building for 7 hours every day. It's like the differences between high school teachers and professors.. in high school, they knew your name, and could probably even remember it the next year if you said hi to them in the hallway. In college, it's a miracle if they know your name in the first place. Friends could be the same way. I had friends that I was forced into a building with all day every day, so it made sense that I saw them all the time and they learned all about me and learned who I was, whether they liked it or not, over the course of 4 or 7 or 8 years. Now.... no one is being forced into contact with me, and I'm not being forced into contact with anyone else, so I end up alone, because no one taught me how to go make friends without the crutch of schoolwork to do together.

How did my very best friend and girlfriend meet me? Well, more like really get to know me. 8th grade science. We sat together in comfy armchairs and I stole her colorful pens and copied her notes. It helped that we had the same group of friends and a few other classes, but we wouldn't really know each other without school. Without class. Without that crutch.

I'm just coming to realize that it's my fault I don't have friends here in college. Sorry to drag all of you into it. Ethan, when you read this, please remember you're the exempt exception from this whole rant.

On a different topic, I got through my first final today. It was geology... the easiest class I'm taking this semester. It was a nice ease into the final week. My two fellow trumpets and I sat up in the back of the auditorium and took the test as one mind. It helps that the professor is really dumb when it comes to making the test. We all had different forms, but all the questions were the same, all the answers were in the same places, and all the questions were in the same order. The only thing he changed up was the order of the different sections of the test - like, the multiple choice and the diagram sections. Anyway, simply put, we found a way pretty quickly around his different forms, and then took the test all together. Yeah, its cheating, but I'm a business major and that's a geology class. I just need the grade. Unfortunately, the test I have tomorrow isn't so.... forgiving. I'm going to get raped by this thing. About 3 times the information, with it being 5 times harder to study for, since all the info isn't in the powerpoints, and cheating would be.... well, it wouldn't go over well. The teacher's a lot more intelligent when it comes to making tests and test questions too, so it'll be much more specific information that the kids on either side of me won't be able to help with. Geology had very straight forward questions that were verbatim out of a powerpoint he gave us. This test won't be nearly as simplistic.

So, with that said, I'm gonna go study for said test instead of wasting my life on Blogspot some more.

Happy Finaling

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I stepped in dog shit.

The title of this doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the post. I just felt like sharing.

Although, now that I think of it, I'll expand on it just a bit. I'm sitting in a little cubicle in the library, "studying" for my final that's tomorrow in geology. It's really hard to concentrate when the smell of dog crap is drifting up from your right shoe.

I got it when I went to Common Grounds - the little coffee shop just off campus. I didn't realize I had stepped in it until now. How, I don't know, but yeah. I was there listening to my friend play at open mic night... they did a Christmas show. He wasn't very good. He's usually pretty okay, but then again, he's usually playing his own music, which fits his style a lot more.

He's... I dunno. Not really my friend. He's one of the other trumpets in marching band. We know each other. That's about it. Maybe we'll get a step closer to friends during the bowl game trip... we're rooming together. They asked me, which surprised me. I guess I get to replace the girl in their little circle of friends, since she obviously can't room with them.... go Baylor. So, I'm better than Hoss, the kid everyone talks bad about behind his back, so my guess is that they wanted to fill up their room as fast as possible before he asked, because then they'd have to say yes. Maybe I'm being a pessimist, but that's probably the thought going through their heads.

Anyway, I should go back to studying for real, instead of procrastinating with Blogspot and scraping dog shit off my shoe with my other shoe in between thoughts.

Good luck with finals everyone!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Hey Kyle, how's life?

Tonight was the band banquet. If you’ve never been in band, you wouldn’t understand, but basically, all band banquets are the same. Dress nice to the point where the band kids don’t recognize each other (we’re usually all sweaty and gross. Dressy and clean is a nice change I guess), get served salad, chicken of some kind, then cheese cake, listen to directors speeches and other awards and presentations, watch the end-of-year-video, take a million pictures. This is pretty standard, I think. It was between high school and Baylor anyway.

Last year, I was at the fun table where all of us were good friends with each other. We were all weird together and it was okay. We had pretty much coordinated our table before we got there. I got a few references. I was in the video. I got my turn at the podium to give a speech. I was section leader. I was…. important, I guess. Tons of people wanted pictures. I was in my niche.

This year was a little bit different. I got all dressed up and I did my fair share of double takes when I showed up – alone. I didn’t know who I was going to sit with. My section, I guessed. I was right, but it took awhile to find a seat. I tried to start a trumpet table, but no one joined, so I got back up and joined a different one. I got mentioned once during all the talking, and that was as a freshman representative on band council. That’s something, I guess, but I didn’t get on next year’s council as the position I ran for… I guess I’ll have to try for class rep next year. Every one got up at the end and rushed to their separate groups… I was suddenly alone in the middle of this crowded room. I don’t have a group of friends in band. I’m not in a group. I really, really hope K Psi fixes that issue – because it really is an issue. I hated being the drifter again. I’ve done this so many times in so many situations, but I never imagined it happening in band. I was in the trumpet picture and my squad picture, but after that, I was in 2 pictures, I think. I hate to complain about not being popular and sounding like a whiny pre teen or whatever, but I’m just comparing last year and this year. After a little bit I just got sick of being the kid that wasn’t really part of whichever group I was trying to be part of, so I left.

I laughed during the presentations and videos, I got the jokes, I felt like part of the band, but I felt like a rejected nobody in the band. It was the most depressing band banquet I’ve been to in the last 5 band banquets.

On the bright side, I signed a pre-lease for an apartment at Baylor Plaza II today and got that damn ticket paid (only to find a parking ticket when I got back to my car. Just my luck). So how’s life, you ask? Just peachy. I have somewhere to live next year. But other than that, I have finals to stress over and study for like mad, I have no friends, I have a parking ticket, I have to PAY for the pre-lease tomorrow (another $150 out of my pocket. Party on), I have… just so much shit in my life right now. I can’t wait for Christmas break.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


I don't really know what I want to say in this post. Nothing exciting is happening, so there's nothing too cool to talk about. But... I don't know... I need to express myself somewhere, and this is my outlet. This blog is where I vent, and it's so appropriately named for my constant rambling.

Every once in a while I should probably take a step back and decide what I'm doing with this blog. I only have 14 followers, so it's not like I'm doing this for other people's benefit (not to say I don't appreciate all my followers and love that you guys care what I say. Thanks to all of you a million and two times). I like to think of this as my place to say whatever I want and not be judged. Or be judged and just not care. This is my little fulfillment of that 3 year old instinct to be the center of attention. This blog is where I can post funny things, talk about sad thoughts, entertain odd ideas, ramble about my day, and just generally talk. I don't do that anymore. In high school I had a group of friends that generally thought the same way I did and we could all ramble together and get each other just fine; we'd find something funny and everyone else thought it was just as funny. Now, it's like I don't have any friends who think the same way I do, save one, and he gets the full force of my ramblings. And even he isn't quite the same as my old group.

( I really don't even know what I'm saying. I had this same problem in high school; its just worse now. Maybe I'm making all this up. I don't know.)

I have 'friends' here at Baylor, but they're just friends of convenience. My roommates, a few classmates, some friends that are really Ethan's... but no one I confide in. No one I can sit and talk to about a personal problem I'm having. Ethan's basically it. Ethan and you, who willingly listen to me talk about whatever I feel like, which very often includes personal issues of mine.

Where I go wrong is when I start to treat this blog more like a personal diary than a place to rant in public for others. I stop talking about myself and start to talk about other people. I don't mind telling you guys about my problems; I like that people listen. I forget, occasionally, that others don't appreciate being so transparent. I overlook the concept of privacy, forgetting that anyone can come read this thing. I like sharing my thoughts on here, but sometimes - I now realize - I just shouldn't.

I talk about currently sensitive subjects, like fights or people I'm mad at, that deserve closer attention and more privacy than a public blog for all of Earth to come read. In this place of my musings and rants and thoughts, I still need a filter.

Anyway, with all that said, I still haven't gotten to the point of the post. I said earlier I need to express myself, even without anything exciting going on. I feel exceedingly lonely. I have an amazing girlfriend. She's my best friend in the whole world and I love her so much... but she goes to school in Arkansas. I see her... not enough. I think I'd be okay if we weren't 5 and a half hours away from each other, but as it is, I'm pretty lonely. She's still there, what with the glory of teh interwebz, but I'm not great with long distance relationships. I don't like them. She's worth every mile of it, but it's not easy on me. I feel like that's going to be the best part about Christmas - being within walking distance of Anna.

But it's not just loneliness that's getting me right now. It's this overpowering lack of happiness. The lonely bit may be a large contributing factor to the unhappy bit, but it's not all of it. At the beginning of the year, it was just lonely. This is something more. I can't pinpoint it though. I'm just not... happy.

I have a friend here. I have a friend back in Coppell. I have a girlfriend in Arkansas. I have great grades, a great schedule. I get to sleep 10 or 11 hours a day - like, my life dream to this point. I have no doubt that I have a major - or at least general study - that I enjoy enough to stick with. Life shouldn't be bad. But... it is. Ideas? Anyone?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

So the past few days have been rough. I've been... not doing so okay.

I know exactly where it started... on the way back after Thanksgiving break (that I went through minus a computer, since I'm an idiot and left my charger in my dorm room), I got a speeding ticket in good old Milford, Texas. Just 5 minutes later, I hit a wall of Thanksgiving traffic that went 15 miles an hour for an hour and a half, so the speeding didn't really pay off at all. I hate Karma.

Getting a ticket sucks. That dropping feeling in your stomach when you see the cop put the radar gun down and get in his car as you pass him, that horrible feeling when you realize that he's not going for the red truck that was going just as fast next to you, that drop of any hope when officer Stevens comes back to your car with a piece of paper instead of a nice verbal warning... But the part that REALLY sucks is dealing with it. Actually paying it and taking defensive driving and going through all the loopholes to keep it off your record and as far from the insurance people as possible. That's the tricky part. Getting the ticket is nice and straight forward, if nothing else.

So after that awful drive back to college, I had to study for a test that was this past Tuesday. Now, I have finals to study for (kinda freaking out about that...), books to sell, new books to buy, and a housing situation to figure out.

Housing was tonight. I made a spreadsheet. Baylor is insisting on people reapplying for on campus housing in the next 2 weeks for next year. It really caught me off guard, since it's just so ridiculously early, and that just REALLY helped my stress level. But I found stuff tonight and put it all in a spreadsheet and found a nice apartment that Ethan and I can live in for less than it costs to live in Penland - the crappiest dorm on campus - right now. It's not'll be really cramped, since it's meant for one person, but ANYTHING is better than this dump. The place I want to live is about a thousand dollars more a year to live in, and that's really not that much in the big scheme of things, and maybe being able to cook for myself will offset the cost. Anyway, this whole house hunting thing got my mind off of everything, and it ended with a pretty decent outcome, so it put me in a good enough mood to write this thing.

But after a bit of a fight with a friend, I started thinking about all my friends, and about how none of them attend the school I'm at, save one. Ethan's here, but everyone else I consider a friend is off at some other university or stuck in Coppell for another year of high school. I'm social, but it doesn't mean I have friends.

I'm hoping KKΨ will help. It's the band service fraternity. When you think fraternity, this is not what you think. Mandatory study sessions and doing all the grunt work for the marching band are not exactly common activities in the party frats. The people in this thing are band geeks, not preppy frat boys. So all it really entails is making really close friends and serving the band, two things I really like. I'm running for a spot on band council again for this next year, so why not be in KKΨ too? It's not even as much as they had the leadership do in high school, so really, what could be so bad about it? Anyway, it sounds like lots of fun and an easy way to make friends that I'll keep.

So yeah, that's life. A lot of shit and a small handful of things to look forward to.

(If I survive these next two weeks, I'll make sure to post extra during the break)

Happy December and merry Christmas month.