Saturday, December 4, 2010


I don't really know what I want to say in this post. Nothing exciting is happening, so there's nothing too cool to talk about. But... I don't know... I need to express myself somewhere, and this is my outlet. This blog is where I vent, and it's so appropriately named for my constant rambling.

Every once in a while I should probably take a step back and decide what I'm doing with this blog. I only have 14 followers, so it's not like I'm doing this for other people's benefit (not to say I don't appreciate all my followers and love that you guys care what I say. Thanks to all of you a million and two times). I like to think of this as my place to say whatever I want and not be judged. Or be judged and just not care. This is my little fulfillment of that 3 year old instinct to be the center of attention. This blog is where I can post funny things, talk about sad thoughts, entertain odd ideas, ramble about my day, and just generally talk. I don't do that anymore. In high school I had a group of friends that generally thought the same way I did and we could all ramble together and get each other just fine; we'd find something funny and everyone else thought it was just as funny. Now, it's like I don't have any friends who think the same way I do, save one, and he gets the full force of my ramblings. And even he isn't quite the same as my old group.

( I really don't even know what I'm saying. I had this same problem in high school; its just worse now. Maybe I'm making all this up. I don't know.)

I have 'friends' here at Baylor, but they're just friends of convenience. My roommates, a few classmates, some friends that are really Ethan's... but no one I confide in. No one I can sit and talk to about a personal problem I'm having. Ethan's basically it. Ethan and you, who willingly listen to me talk about whatever I feel like, which very often includes personal issues of mine.

Where I go wrong is when I start to treat this blog more like a personal diary than a place to rant in public for others. I stop talking about myself and start to talk about other people. I don't mind telling you guys about my problems; I like that people listen. I forget, occasionally, that others don't appreciate being so transparent. I overlook the concept of privacy, forgetting that anyone can come read this thing. I like sharing my thoughts on here, but sometimes - I now realize - I just shouldn't.

I talk about currently sensitive subjects, like fights or people I'm mad at, that deserve closer attention and more privacy than a public blog for all of Earth to come read. In this place of my musings and rants and thoughts, I still need a filter.

Anyway, with all that said, I still haven't gotten to the point of the post. I said earlier I need to express myself, even without anything exciting going on. I feel exceedingly lonely. I have an amazing girlfriend. She's my best friend in the whole world and I love her so much... but she goes to school in Arkansas. I see her... not enough. I think I'd be okay if we weren't 5 and a half hours away from each other, but as it is, I'm pretty lonely. She's still there, what with the glory of teh interwebz, but I'm not great with long distance relationships. I don't like them. She's worth every mile of it, but it's not easy on me. I feel like that's going to be the best part about Christmas - being within walking distance of Anna.

But it's not just loneliness that's getting me right now. It's this overpowering lack of happiness. The lonely bit may be a large contributing factor to the unhappy bit, but it's not all of it. At the beginning of the year, it was just lonely. This is something more. I can't pinpoint it though. I'm just not... happy.

I have a friend here. I have a friend back in Coppell. I have a girlfriend in Arkansas. I have great grades, a great schedule. I get to sleep 10 or 11 hours a day - like, my life dream to this point. I have no doubt that I have a major - or at least general study - that I enjoy enough to stick with. Life shouldn't be bad. But... it is. Ideas? Anyone?


  1. I relate to every single part of this post, I'm so glad that I read it. I always think I start treating my blog as a personal diary then I change and write a bit differently then change again all according to my mood.
    It's a great outlet. But I'm suffering a lack of true happiness at the moment. Well, little things happen that make me happy and such, but overall when I really think about stuff there's so much wrong that it overpowers the right half the time. I should really stop the overthinking; that's my problem.
    I actually feel better most of the time when I let my brain go free and let the impulse side take the reigns. That small childish part where I throw all my common sense out of the window and just do whatever pops into my head. It's comforting to know you have full control of whatever you do, I felt happy for a long time when I went and got my tattoo - was having a shitty day, loads of bad stuff going on and I just went and got one that I'd been thinking about for ages but logically never went and actually did it. And whenever I look at it I know it's a sign that I decide what happens with my life and whether I let it be bad and get me down or not.
    - totally not saying you should go and get a tattoo haha but maybe it would help if you ejust let yourself "be" and did something you know would make you feel happy and in control of yourself?
    Thats a really long comment, sorry! But I loved your post, it was so honest. Very much what I'm feeling like right now. xx

  2. I think it's natural to feel this way, at least during your first semester or two of college, or maybe most of college. Think about it - you're comparing the friends you had for up to...8 years, right? That's a really long time compared to a single semester, or even the 4 years at college. I do remember you talking to me about how you didn't feel like you had any real friends in high school either, but maybe you did and are only realizing that next to the friends of college. Or maybe you were right, but those friends in high school were still better than college ones right now.

    Anyway, the distance between us is extremely annoying, but like I said before, it can be a blessing in disguise :) We're going to have SO much fun during the break - and we get a whole month! Well...ish. Stupid bowl game lol. But yeah...actually I was thinking the other day how no wonder we have issues with not seeing each other - last year we saw each other at least an hour a day, with the whole getting-out-of-school-early thing. It was kinda like we stopped cold turkey (am I comparing us to an addiction...? haha). But yeah. Two long weeks before break (at least for me), but we can do it! :)

  3. I would like to give you the link to my new favorite website: I go there, type like crazy all my unfiltered online diaryness, and then copy, paste, and edit appropriately for public viewing when it comes time to post to the blog (which is kept semi-anonymous so it needs less editing because I don't really care if strangers know my personal business as long as they don't know who any of the people are, including me). It might not be helpful for you, but I thought it couldn't hurt to show you just in case.

  4. Maybe my creeper post got deleted, or maybe strange things are happening with the internet, who knows? Anyways I'll just pretend that it's the latter and repost this link:

  5. Hey anonymous, that's an awesome link you have there. I love it.