Friday, March 30, 2012

The thrill is always in the hunt, never the catch.

I have a serious problem being content with my life. I always need a direction. Maybe its too much tv. They skip the mundane parts of life and skip around to the exciting bits. I'm not sure that's the reason, but I don't think it helps.

I just can't settle down and say, hey, this is going pretty good. Instead, there's always something I need, and then I'll be happy. A girl, an internship, a job, a dog, a clean house... yeah, it doesn't have to be big. Even something like cleaning the house gives me some direction. Temporary, sure, but at least I feel somewhat accomplished. Last week when I cleaned out my room I ended up throwing away two full bags of crap I really didn't need, and that gave me some fleeting sense of contentment. Then the week started and I fell right back into the rut.

Even when its the big stuff, I can't be satisfied. In high school I was always single or in a short relationship. The thrill is in the hunt. I get the girl, we have that blissful, careless new relationship where its all smiles, and then things settle down and suddenly I don't want the relationship anymore. I hope its just because I'm good and fast at realizing when a relationship isn't going to last. We'll go with that for now.

And when, in my single, depressing slumber, that hint of a hunt pops up, suddenly my life is exciting again. Then I can smile and go on with life. That ecstasy that comes from the mission, the goal, is what I live for. It keeps me going. As soon as that spark of interest happens and my brain rattles through the possibilities, I start living my life; I start moving forward and things start to change. Good, bad, whatever. It doesn't matter. Things are changing. The story is unfolding, and I'm along for the ride. It's like having my own tv show, except with the mundane bits in between.

This is why I love drama. I hate it while I'm in it, but I realize what's going on. I get this sick thrill out of it, and it doesn't even matter what happens in the end. So far, I'm once again single, so that should give you an idea of how all the past drama panned out. But I learn, and I move on, and... oh wait, make the same mistakes again. But that means the same rush from the drama. Different girl, different situation, but all the same.

I'm glad I stopped that cycle. Unfortunately, that means I've been single for way longer than I think I ever have been since I started dating, and its getting really old. That poor, demented spark of excitement has been wasting away on what I can't have. It got smothered and is going out. Does that mean I don't love her? No, it means the twisted part of me is at a stalemate with the situation and is saying, "Kyleeeee, what are you doing, wasting your time like this? Nothing is changing, and it's not going to ever change at this rate. It's just going to be worse later if you keep going, anyway. Move on, Kyle. Find something new and exciting. Why are you just sitting here? That's no fun, Kyle!"

It's only human, after all, to want things that are bad for you. I look for drama. When I try to break the cycle and just calm down, that evil, thrill-seeking voice in my head makes me depressed again, slowing convincing me to get up and go on. And this time I'm in gridlock with myself. I can't just move on. That voice wants the hunt, but all I want is to stay caught up on this girl I can't have. That I won't ever have.

But since when did that ever stop my twisted, self-torturing half from anything? "If you can't move on, Kyle, it looks like I'll have to work with what we have." But no, I shouldn't, I reason back. I can't. I won't.

And then I try anyway. The two sides, fighting over what to do. And meanwhile, life keeps going, and I'm stuck in this intra-stalemate. This internal battle of wits. Opportunities come, but I miss them. Don't even realize they're passing by. I just have this kind of tunnel vision for this girl. Nothing else matters, and that's for both halves. Both can agree on one thing. I love this girl. The difference between them is what to do about it. The right thing, or the drama-causing, friendship-ending, devilish path I shouldn't go down, but don't have the self-control to steer away from.

Someday I'll get control of my whole brain, but until then, the thrill will always remain in the hunt, whichever one it may be.

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