Wednesday, June 3, 2009

school: OVER

Ah, at long last, school is out! no more school.

So, free time? not at all.

Graduation is tomorrow. the band is playing.
Trumpet initiation grows ever nearer. must get ready.
SAT is this weekend. must study.
Freshman Camp is next week. must call freshmen and tell them what they need.
and on and've heard it all before.

i'll tell you what... its hard to do it all. i mean, i can understand being like, homecoming king and doing it all...or being like, sumner warren and doing basically everything, leaving no time for anything else except press conferences. but no. i'm kyle. i'm a section leader, the leader of my boy scout troop, trying to please my parents with a good SAT and ACT score, trying to help my parents financially with getting eagle scout, and i'm looking at actually being in a few clubs next year. and no one knows me. i'm the janitor - always needed and never rewarded with lauding. never noticed, never mentioned. but always needed. always required. but who is kyle? who knows. who cares. things get done. who does them? that kid. which kid? who cares; he does it. we dont need the details, kyle, just get it done like usual. choice? what choice? you dont get a choice. reward? we thought you just enjoyed it. the others just get attention because they're special. lets just not worry about you. just get it done.

i of course compensate by having a silly aura where ever i go to lighten the load. i keep things entertaining at my own cost though, because now people associate me with that stupid kid, that dumb kid, that kid that will do anything for a laugh, even if it could kill him. that kid that speeds. that weird kid that talks too much. i know them all. i know i'm a goof. i screw around and get in trouble and speed and talk and do stupid things and then talk some more. i know. but its not who i really am, and if you know actually know me, then you know that. most dont think i have the capability of being serious.

the worst part isnt actually what they think though. its what they tell me. most think whatever they say doesnt get to me, since i laugh with them at me or shrug it off. just little things, like "oh, its just because you're kyle." or "oh kyle, you so would do something like that." or "oh its ok because its kyle." they may not seem like much, but one after another from everyone after a few years gets to me. do they not see it getting to me? are they really that oblivious? or do i hide it that well? i doubt i hide it, so they must just be oblivious to my response. are all people really that self centered? me included? do i really ignore what other people think and feel and how they react? do you? take a day and really focus on people's facial expressions and actions and try to match them with thoughts and internal reactions. its kinda amazing how much you dont realize you're missing until you pay close attention to everyone. especially your better friends, who you thought you knew. get passed the smile. read between the lines. that smile isn't real. look at his eyes, you can see right into them, and he is scared - scared you'll do exactly that and see the real him. he hides behind that smile, uses it as a mask. it fools most, but you can see it in his split second reactions when you tell him something; he drops his guard for an instant, but then regains composure. and even once the smile is back, you can still see signs of it. you can see it in his eyes - through his eyes - and in his body language. you just have to search a little farther than skin deep.

looking at the world objectively is a beautiful thing. take your biased, personal emotions out of it and just look at what is in front of you. you wont just get insight into what everyone else feels and thinks... you'll get some insight into your own life as well. try it.

anyway, its summer. i'm gonna go sleep while i still can.

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