Hi everyone.

Usually I don't have a very good reason to ignore this. This time I do, because it got me into trouble. I must have said something on here that was a very bad thing to release to the world, and after it ruined my life, I went ahead and swore off blogging. But that was 8 months ago.

Last you heard, I think I was looking for a job, it was summer after my second year of college. Well, after this little debacle, my parents decided I needed to move home, away from all the bad influences, and go to UNT or UTD so they could keep a closer eye on me. Well, I talked them down. I'm still at school where I've always been at school. I talked them down a lot more after that; I'm still in my fraternity, I'm still in band and basketball band. But they still made me move to separate myself from the bad influences - just across town a bit. (As a college kid, a few blocks might as well be a dozen miles - if it isn't easy walking distance, it doesn't exist.) And I have to pay my last year at college on my own. So to fix that one, I talked to my advisor and it turns out if I try really hard and take a few classes over the summer, I can graduate by August and just skip my last year. So I'm doing that.

So thank you, anonymous reader. I totally understand your intentions. You were trying to save me from myself. I am the problem, and I realize that. I don't do bad things anymore, thanks to you. I'm 21 now, so drinking isn't an issue to work around, and the other things are practically nonexistent. So good on you for changing a life. But really. You can't come tell it to my face? You have to go behind my back and go to my parents directly? Just show up at my doorstep while I'm two hours away enjoying my life, only to get a call from my mother saying, "Kyle, we think you should come home right now. We'll talk about it later." You realize that you nearly crushed everything I had going for me, right? I almost got taken out of school. You ruined the relationship I had with my parents. They think I'm a low life nothing now. You, whoever you are, ruined my relationship with my friends and family. When my best friend and my brother wouldn't give me a name even when they knew who you were, I simply cut them off, never to speak to them again. I don't think you realize what you did to me. I'm not mad about the telling my parents. Like I said, I know it's my own fault. But to go behind my back and tell my parents and let them deal with it? Really? And then put your friends in the position to have to choose who to be loyal to, you or me... it's a terrible thing to do. What's even better is that they chose you. They were loyal to you. They won't tell me who you are, and it kills me every day not knowing who you are. Still. Of course, they say its for my own good; they won't tell me because it's my fault and I don't need someone else to blame. But the thing is, I don't need your name to blame you, so what's the point? I can be mad at an anonymous source just as easily as one with a name, so grow a pair of fucking balls and come tell it to my face. Come out and admit who you are. Muster any self-respect and courage you have left and come talk to me. This conversation is about 8 months late. You think you can just come in and upend my life and disappear? Think again, who ever you are. Until you sit down with me and we talk about this, this isn't over.

All I have is my friends. And I trust my friends. Too much apparently. I confess things to my friends in confidence. Now I trust no one, confide in no one, rely on no one. You did this to me. You broke my faith in other people. You took from me the one thing I had left. You put me in counseling. You gave me depression. You ruined my life by the act, not the content. You broke my trust in everyone by being anonymous. You broke me.

The most eventful week in weeks

Hey everyone, long time no post, eh? Honestly, I haven't had much to write about lately. For most of the semester, I haven't done much of anything. I've sat around and watched netflix and gone to class and all that. Doesn't make for interesting posts. My love life is still on hold over that girl, though I did just finish RSVPing to her wedding, so... yeah, that's happening. It'll be full of mixed emotions.. I really am happy for her though. But yeah, nothing to really say about my love life either.

Anyway, while all that has been super awesome and lame to write about, this past week I actually went out and did stuff! I went back home for a week before I started looking for a job and all that responsible stuff, and this week was basically my summer, and boy did I make the most of it.

I spent mostly all of it with Tim, my best friend from high school. Well, my best friend in general I guess. But yeah, in the past week we went to a Rangers game (and witnessed a grand slam for the first time), went kayaking at Andy Brown park (definitely no kayaking allowed in that pond.. oh well), went swimming in downtown Dallas (in a pool outside on the 16th floor of the W, a really fancy hotel, and overlooking the downtown skyline), hosted a reasonably successful party, went exploring downtown and visited Dealey Plaza for the first time, and just all in all had a really great time staying busy with all kinds of socialness. It's been exhausting, but so much fun.

Now I guess it's time, now that Tim and his girlfriend Kim (I know, right?) are back in Kansas, to go back to Waco and be responsible. I have to find a job, I need to spring clean my apartment, I need to do other stuff I guess, but most importantly, I NEED TO FIND A JOB. Seriously. Money is good. Hopefully I can find something on campus that will carry on into the semester. Since my schedule lets me work MWF mornings, I bet I can work something out. Everyone and their sister has classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm really hoping my availability during those times gives me an edge during the job hunt... if not for summer, then at least for next semester.

The other thing I want to do this summer is waste some time and money on my apartment. Some kind of project. I'm not sure. Maybe I'll paint the living room. Maybe I'll knock out a wall. Maybe I'll just rearrange my living room (more difficult than you think, with surround sound and all). Maybe.... I dunno. Any suggestions? I need a project, and it can only cost up to about $100.

So that's what's up. Sorry I've been gone for so long, and god willing, I'll have something new to write about soon.

The Religion Post

Yep, it's that time. It's on my mind because one of my best friends has a roommate that wanted to ask me about what I believed. Am I Christian? No, I'm not.

I'm not a religious person. It's not that I'm one of those angry people that thinks Christianity is stupid. I thought I was Christian for most of high school and the first semester of college, but as I went through college and a small period of self-realization, I admitted to myself that I'm not. That admission didn't come lightly. I was raised as a Christian, and that's not something that just leaves you. My parents are Christian, but they aren't super religious or spiritual, and they didn't push religion on me, and I thank them for that. The church I went to, however, started asking the hard questions. The people who were outwardly and wholly Christian - not to say my parents aren't - were the people I started talking to. I got scared of being judged for my doubts, and covered them up. I learned all the right answers, I knew what Christianity was. But I couldn't make myself have faith.

My personal belief, and that of many Christians, is that the thing that makes a person Christian is absolute faith that God is not only there, but that He loves you so much that he is willing to put aside the fact that people suck and forgive you of all your sins and let you have eternal, glorious life, and all you have to do is ask in earnest. And that's where I fall short. It's not that I dislike Christianity. I wish I had that kind of faith. But I know myself, and I know that I cannot say honestly that I believe He's up there. I have no reason to. I tried for years to be Christian. I prayed. I talked to God. I asked every day for some sign that I wasn't talking to myself. And it never came. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't make myself have faith.

Do we have any Doctor Who fans in the crowd? If you really want to see what faith looks like, go watch Doctor Who, season 2, epidsode 4 or 5, depending on if you count the Christmas special as part of the season... regardless, the episode is called The Girl In The Fireplace. That chick had faith. And she had good reason to. The Doctor saved her from the bad guy when she was a child and again as a young adult. She had a steadfast faith that he would save her again when she was in dire need. And of course she was right to believe that. We have the Bible. We read the Bible, and it tells us of all the times God stepped in and saved us. That's what we have to base our faith on. A book. A book that tells us that its tale is fact and that this is same God we pray to. It's not enough for me. There has to be something more. That something more, my friends, is the holy spirit. It's what breathes faith in us and gives us hope in God.

I don't have it. Never, in my years of trying, was there a response. No inkling of two way communication. Other people claim to have a two way communication. They start sentences with "I feel like God was telling me that...." and that's great. Sure, there's that chance that they're hearing what they want to hear, but there's a chance that it really is God talking to, and then through, them. It's not my place to judge them and decide which it is. All I know is that if I said the same thing, I'd be lying. God isn't telling me anything.

Without that, I can't with every part of my being say I believe in God. Do I deny the existence of God? Of course not. I just can't say He's there without a doubt. Should there ever come a day that God gives me a heads up, I could change my answer happily. But I'm done trying. It got me nowhere except in a church living a lie. I'm not Christian, and I accept that. The worst people on this planet are the ones that don't admit to themselves that they don't have faith. The ones that just keep living the lie. The ones that go on Christmas and Easter and have a Bible stashed away on a shelf somewhere and say they're Christian. I have no respect for those people. I was one of those people, and then I changed. I realized, its okay that I'm not Christian, and I should stop trying to act like I am.

So instead, I choose not to think about it. Not let it worry me or make me feel guilty or stressed. I know for a fact that if God exists and wants me to be Christian, I will be someday. If both of those are true, then I have no doubt that God will take care of the doubts I have in someway. And when that day comes, if it comes, I will be more than happy to call myself Christian when I really am one. But right now it's not up to me. I don't get a say in what God does. I'm done trying, because I know that there's nothing I can do. And that's okay. I'm patient. I'm content with life right now, even though I recognize how awesome it could be with that faith. If it never happens, if God never comes to get me, I'm okay with that too. I've just put it out of my mind and focused on living life. I'm a happier person now that I stopped pretending to be something I'm not.

Anyway, that's my religion story. Hope you enjoyed. And really, feel free to comment.

The thrill is always in the hunt, never the catch.

I have a serious problem being content with my life. I always need a direction. Maybe its too much tv. They skip the mundane parts of life and skip around to the exciting bits. I'm not sure that's the reason, but I don't think it helps.

I just can't settle down and say, hey, this is going pretty good. Instead, there's always something I need, and then I'll be happy. A girl, an internship, a job, a dog, a clean house... yeah, it doesn't have to be big. Even something like cleaning the house gives me some direction. Temporary, sure, but at least I feel somewhat accomplished. Last week when I cleaned out my room I ended up throwing away two full bags of crap I really didn't need, and that gave me some fleeting sense of contentment. Then the week started and I fell right back into the rut.

Even when its the big stuff, I can't be satisfied. In high school I was always single or in a short relationship. The thrill is in the hunt. I get the girl, we have that blissful, careless new relationship where its all smiles, and then things settle down and suddenly I don't want the relationship anymore. I hope its just because I'm good and fast at realizing when a relationship isn't going to last. We'll go with that for now.

And when, in my single, depressing slumber, that hint of a hunt pops up, suddenly my life is exciting again. Then I can smile and go on with life. That ecstasy that comes from the mission, the goal, is what I live for. It keeps me going. As soon as that spark of interest happens and my brain rattles through the possibilities, I start living my life; I start moving forward and things start to change. Good, bad, whatever. It doesn't matter. Things are changing. The story is unfolding, and I'm along for the ride. It's like having my own tv show, except with the mundane bits in between.

This is why I love drama. I hate it while I'm in it, but I realize what's going on. I get this sick thrill out of it, and it doesn't even matter what happens in the end. So far, I'm once again single, so that should give you an idea of how all the past drama panned out. But I learn, and I move on, and... oh wait, make the same mistakes again. But that means the same rush from the drama. Different girl, different situation, but all the same.

I'm glad I stopped that cycle. Unfortunately, that means I've been single for way longer than I think I ever have been since I started dating, and its getting really old. That poor, demented spark of excitement has been wasting away on what I can't have. It got smothered and is going out. Does that mean I don't love her? No, it means the twisted part of me is at a stalemate with the situation and is saying, "Kyleeeee, what are you doing, wasting your time like this? Nothing is changing, and it's not going to ever change at this rate. It's just going to be worse later if you keep going, anyway. Move on, Kyle. Find something new and exciting. Why are you just sitting here? That's no fun, Kyle!"

It's only human, after all, to want things that are bad for you. I look for drama. When I try to break the cycle and just calm down, that evil, thrill-seeking voice in my head makes me depressed again, slowing convincing me to get up and go on. And this time I'm in gridlock with myself. I can't just move on. That voice wants the hunt, but all I want is to stay caught up on this girl I can't have. That I won't ever have.

But since when did that ever stop my twisted, self-torturing half from anything? "If you can't move on, Kyle, it looks like I'll have to work with what we have." But no, I shouldn't, I reason back. I can't. I won't.

And then I try anyway. The two sides, fighting over what to do. And meanwhile, life keeps going, and I'm stuck in this intra-stalemate. This internal battle of wits. Opportunities come, but I miss them. Don't even realize they're passing by. I just have this kind of tunnel vision for this girl. Nothing else matters, and that's for both halves. Both can agree on one thing. I love this girl. The difference between them is what to do about it. The right thing, or the drama-causing, friendship-ending, devilish path I shouldn't go down, but don't have the self-control to steer away from.

Someday I'll get control of my whole brain, but until then, the thrill will always remain in the hunt, whichever one it may be.

Its a double post kinda day. That last one was a specific thought. Now just to ramble a bit. Today kinda sucked, and not because of the day. Its 75 with a light breeze and not a cloud in the sky. One of my classes was canceled. The test that was today got moved in another class. I didn't get yelled at like most days by my bitch professor. It should have been a good day. But I woke up and realized something.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

Not a clue. I fall into this pattern of class, homework, social, sleep, repeat. And not always in that order... okay, never in that order, but regardless. What am I doing? Just sailing through life. No plans for the future at all, really. Worry about today, get to tomorrow, worry about it then. All these people around me are out accomplishing things and making plans. Meeting people, getting internships, starting businesses, and all other kinds of awesome things that make me go, wow, I wish I had it together like that guy. That guy is getting ahead and making a name for himself. He knows what he wants to do and has it planned out all the way to retirement, which at this rate is 35 for him.

I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I don't know anyone that's knowingly planning on retiring at 35, but all the same, some of these people I know are headed in that kinda direction, and it's because they have their lives together. Where do these people find that kind of motivation to break the mold of routine and do something with themselves?

I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's a Thursday afternoon, and I have a four day weekend ahead of me, like always. What am I going to do? I'll tell you. I'll tell myself, okay, here's your school work due Tuesday. Here's the schoolwork you should get ahead on that's due Thursday or later. Here's the test to start studying for on Thursday. Then I'll forget about it and go hang out with friends. I'll probably get pretty drunk at some point between now and Tuesday. I'll watch about a season of Weeds on Netflix, because that's my current tv OCD addiction. I'll sleep about 50 hours. Maybe more. Monday night around 11, I'll open my backback and procrastinate a bit, then start my homework around midnight.

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I see the problem. I know what to do. I also know, though, that I have zero motivation to do any of it. Why fix it? I have a 3.7 gpa. I'm surviving. Tomorrow is covered, so who gives two shits about the day after that? God forbid I think about next YEAR, and most of all avoid a career at all costs. Because right now, I have netflix.

Tonight, I think I'll do a bit of spring cleaning. That should help make me feel like I have my life together. Cleaning always makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. Not just tiding up around the house and doing dishes and laundry and such, but like, super spring cleaning. Throwing out shit I saved but haven't touched in over a year kinda cleaning. A few shots of tequilla should really help this process. Sounds like a quality Thursday night to me. See you all after the hangover.

Up and Go?

Have you ever thought about just liquidating nearly everything you own and just moving? I mean everything... selling your computer, phone, car, bed, furniture, tv, clothes... anything and everything. I'd say maybe keep a carry-on worth of stuff. Whatever fits in your bag you can keep, but the goal is to get as much cash as possible.

And then one day without really telling anyone, just disappearing. Grab a one way Southwest ticket to anywhere and just start over. Find a cheap place and a job, using that cash from your phone, ipod, car, etc. to hold you over till pay day. Hopefully that job is more than washing dishes, but if it comes to that, okay.

Like, if I up and moved today, I wouldn't have a college degree. That really limits my options. I'd probably have a dirt cheap apartment within walking distance of a minimum wage job. But I wouldn't have all the stress I have now. Just a new stress to make a living.

Let's change the scenario... what if you were doing this to truly disappear? This means trying to get rid of any shred of your life now. Get rid of your online presence, for one. You can't tell any of your friends or family what you're doing. You're just gone one day. Like you died or were kidnapped or something. If there was ever a real reason for you to, could you do it? If you got into something so deep that you had to move somewhere and leave no trace, you think you could pull it off and never be found?

I've thought about it, and I really think I could do it, if it REALLY came down to it. My dad survived on a cash only, handy-man business for 6 years. It was hard labor, but easy on skill set to a degree. I could learn to do flooring and fencing, and those alone would give me a decent income. Not even the government would know where I was. This isn't to say I'm going to, or that I want to right now. But I could, and I guess as a plan z, it's comforting. If there were zero options left, I could always go to plan z. Marginally better than suicide, right?

Just the interesting thought of the day.

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been posting.. its been a crazy busy semester. I don't have class on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. You'd think I'd find time to blog. But no, I've been doing way too much.

Like netflix. And just hanging out with friends. It's nice to just go somewhere and chill with friends.

But the hours of netflix? Yeah, I could probably take some time out of that busy, busy day and write some.

But let's focus on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a second. All weekend I freaked out about this paper that was due on Tuesday. Well, it was due for peer review. The paper was due Thursday. So naturally, Monday night I found myself cramming for a test and ignoring the damn paper. Tuesday rolls around. Test goes great. Get to class with paper, ready to BS peer review. Prof doesn't show up. 15 minutes go by, we look at each other, get up and leave. Successfully avoided peer review. So, later on, she emails the class. At first, I thought, surely, she'll skip peer review and keep the due date for the paper.... here's most of that email:

I apologize. I had a student in my office until 2:15, and for some reason, I was thinking I had class at 2:30. I teach at 2:30 on Mondays and Wednesdays.
Anyhow, let's do a peer review on Thursday, and then you can have until Tuesday to finish the reports.

All in all, Tuesday was a good day. 

As for next week, I'm skipping all of Thursdays classes because I'm traveling with the basketball team to go to the Big 12 Tournament as a part of the basketball band. Extra win. Then I'm travelling with the band to NCAA men's over spring break. Double extra win. 

AND I had an interview for a summer internship this past Monday. If I get it, it'll be in Dallas. Great excuse to live and eat for free in Dallas over the summer. If I don't get it, or decide I just don't want it, I have another few internship options, but they're not looking as great. I'll probably end up staying in Waco, getting a demeaning job, and taking a class at the community college. 

Which sounds much more like me. Internship, psh. Real world, psh. Nah. I'll stick to something mindless and easy. Like a minimum wage job and school. Perfect.

As for the other side of life... that girl's still with her guy. The only thing that's changed is that she and I don't talk as much as we used to. And that's that.

So there's a small update into the several facets of my life. I'll try not to forget this, but I say that every time. I'll write when I get around to it next.