Saturday, August 7, 2010


Can you believe its been almost a month since I posted? God, time absolutely soars when there's a deadline. It's a bit ridiculous, I do think. I'm so scattered now that it's really down to it. I feel like I can't accomplish everything I'd like to anymore. With 9 days to go in this life, I feel like I'm dying too quickly to find that bucket list. And it really is a life that's ending. They call it transitioning, but we all know the truth. It's rebirth. Starting over. Ending one life and starting another, even more new and exciting than the last. In 9 days, nothing is the same.

In 9 days, my life routine gets shot to hell. Suddenly, home is not so concrete. My current city.. Waco? But no, that can't be. My home is here... with my parents and family and room and bed and bathroom. Or so I've known for 18 years now. Now, in 9 days, nothing is right. Everything has the big reset button pushed. I no longer wake up at a certain time, take 9 steps to the shower, proceed to shower in peace, walk 20 steps to my own family's small kitchen, get a powdered donut or two and some OJ, walk another 10 steps to the family couch, turn on the big screen tv, hit up the DVR menu and see what shows I missed the night previous. This is fairly daily now days, but oh no, not but in 9 more now. I suddenly won't have a routine to follow, like the first day or week of school when you're not sure who you pass in the hallways or the fast route from class A to class B versus the social route from A to B. This is like that times a million.

I suppose it frightens me because its just a general fear of the unknown. It'll become easy as time goes, but the beginning scares the hell out of me. I think the unknown is just part of it. One thing is perfectly known: There is to be no pattern there at the beginning. And BAM. OCD mind fuck. THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. But seriously, my OCD is starting to tingle. What am I going to do, knowing that when I do it this way, there's a chance my body and mind won't be satisfied unless I do it that same way until the end of Spring. Like showering in the morning versus night, or when I sleep, or where I take my contacts out - the shower room or my dorm? Where do I put the shampoo bottle in the shower? You probably are like, no, really Kyle, some people actually have these problems, you shouldn't exaggerate and be an ass like that. But isn't that the funny part? That I'm not laughing? These are ridiculous examples that I have, but those are just a few of my OCD tid bits. My brain is obsessed with the idea of routine. If it can just do the same things that it does everyday the same way, life is good. Shower: adjust temperature, wash hair, wash face, wash body, dry off - hair, face, body, brush teeth, contacts, shave, deodorant. Every day the same. A small masterpiece of clockwork that I could perform after an hour and a half of sleep for the night. I could be the most zombie-like creature you know and still do my morning routine, not only exactly the same way, but in the same time.

So yeah, a little freaked out about having to hit that reset button. Just a bit.

On the bright side, I'm crossing big things off my high school lives-with-his-parents kid bucket list. I just went to the circus last night, which was freaking awesome, and tomorrow I'm going sky diving. That's what I'm doing with Day 9 of the countdown. And I'll be there with two of my best friends. Well, now that I think about a bit more like the cynic I am, I should say my current best friends. I guess I won't really be seeing much more of them for a long time. Anyway, that should be a bunch of fun. Sunday I get the opportunity to start attending all of the 'farewell parties', which should just be renamed "happy/sad/excited/anxious/scared as hell/most other emotions party where we talk about college using all of the previously mentioned emotions all while bringing up all the good memories of our dying life to bring forth once again most of the previously mentioned emotions". Yes, that's much more specific, accurate version, and face it, it's just more fun to say 5 times quickly. Those parties will be, you guessed it, happy, sad, exciting, scary as hell.... all of those ones. And in just 9 days, the people I see at those parties will, for the most part, take a new role in my life as a new full time resident in my memory. No more visits to the current experience part. Just a memory. Sure, I have skype, facebook, this... hell, I still have AIM if anyone's up for it. But the internet can't compensate for somethings. Sometimes a video chat reaches its limits. Only so much emotion can come out of a facebook chat. No...I may be able to communicate with them, but the small things that make them who they are will be lost with their physical company.

Now, if you read this and say to yourself, or rather, to me silently, KYLE YOU LITTLE BITCH YOU BETTER NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!, chances are, you are not in the majority and this doesn't apply to you. If you care that strongly, we clearly have a withstanding friendship and college can't stop that. But most of those 700 friends on facebook aren't quite as close as you and I. You know if we're going to lose touch or not, just like I do.. I just choose not to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm going to stay awesome friends that are going to UT a few hours from Waco. Seeing most of the friends I take for granted now is going to become a nostalgic treat for me, and a special event for me. Lunch together is going to be interesting, finally, because we actually have so much to talk about after not seeing each other in person for several months. Isn't that just a bit crazy to think about? We take each other for granted, and the weight of that is going to fall onto our feet as soon as we start to miss them when all this college mess slows down enough for us to all think again.

And with that positive, joyful thought, good night everyone, and I sincerely hope if you've taken the time to read this and the others, you weren't being talked about back there when I mentioned you becoming just a memory. I really do hope that.

'Night everyone.

No comments:

Post a Comment