Tuesday, April 6, 2010

oh, man. wow.

I'm sure by the time anyone finds this, it will have been months at very least.

but anyway, i come out of the long period of non-bloggy-ness in a bad mood. what were the odds? why else would i rant? and where else? things have certainly happened since my last post, but are they relevant? i didnt think so. a new computer, a new girlfriend, a new ex-girl friend... christmas, easter, my birthday... single for months now, a different room to call my own, accepted to college... senioritis, prom is coming up, my always changing friend-base... eagle scout award.... does any of it really matter? sure, i can talk and talk about all of them for hours... or pages, whatever... but who cares?

i have 3 whole, complete friendships. 3 people i hold nothing back from and they still keep me around. i think they know who they are, and i know a few people who would read this and think thats them, and it is certainly not. those 3 people keep me going. because i think they matter. the relationship i have with each of them matter. no one needs to care about it besides us. each relationship is whole and complete. sure, they've all had rough moments, but it just... lasts. college won't change that. everyone else.... i dunno if i'll see them ever again, and i seriously doubt i will care in a year or two. am i superficial for that? am i heartless? i don't think so, but you be the judge. those 3 people though, i won't lose them. and if i did, i would feel like a part of me is... gone. something lost that will never be recovered. most of the 'friends' i have are replaceable. i'm sure they'd all love to hear that. sure, they are all unique in someway, but their position in my life is just.... replaceable. but then there are those 3 people. no one will ever sit there and listen to me rant the way i have in the past... i will never know anyone else who is so much on the same brainwave as we are that we can finish each others sentences, understand completely what the other one is saying, even if its a text or jibberish or a funny face with the tiniest twitch that says everything.

and the longer i think about it, i realize more and more i'm carelessly tossing around these important parts of my life with so blatantly unimportant, superficial, material, plain stupid parts that its just depressing. i take some of the most important things in my life for granted, knowing they'll always be there and not realizing i only notice them when i need them. thats just so... wrong.

i guess i'm not really in a bad mood, technically. its certainly not a good mood, but its not bad. its just.... well, one of those three puts it best: blah.

yes yes, blah is how i feel. useless. a long time ago, i made a post comparing living and surviving. right now, i'm surviving. i hope you understand the difference. i'm just.... here. i havent changed anything. i'm not doing anything useful. important. lasting.

i'm not extraordinary.

i'm not unique, i'm not original, i'm not anyone's first choice. im just here. everyone knows kyle. sure, i have a funny comment once or twice, but in the big scheme of things, i'm background music. i'm that musician in a bar that plays for himself because no one is really listening to him. i'm always here, but where is my group of friends? one here, one there, one in that group, one in that other group. all my friends aren't friends with each other, and have friend groups of their own that i wonder in and out of depending on my mood. do i have a group of friends? sure, i have 10 or 12. but will any of them really consider me if they decide to go to six flags with a group of friends this summer? nope. will any of them think of me when putting together a party? nah. i'm just there when convenient. background. a filled bit of space.

do i have that one person i can always confide in? yes, as mentioned, i have 3. do they invite me to things? of course, but its one and one usually. its not like i'm besties with the whole group if we ever got together in a group. i'm always the outsider because i dont commit to one group of people. i just cant. it doesnt work that way. and so i suffer.

i suppose i'm rambling at this point, appropriately, but its all for myself, sorry. did i consider you when writing this? not really. i'm just ranting. will i even read over this to make sure it makes intelligible thoughts? nah.

i guess the whole point is..... i have friends, but not many wholesome ones. to everyone else, i'm just... there. and thats how i'm seeing myself right now. as just surviving. breathe in, breathe out. taking up space. mostly just a consumer. a leech. a tag along in life. the kid who sits there and laughs with everyone and partakes in the cookie cake eating, but none of them know me. the one who everyone says 'what's up?' in the halls to, but never waits for an answer. because no one really wants to know. if you've made it this far, you either care what really is up, or you're so incredibly bored that you don't have ANYTHING better to do except listen to (read) a pitiful excuse for expressing a jumbled thought process.

does anything really matter besides those precious relationships? they teach me in sunday school that its all about my relationship with God. does the same kinda idea hold true in the rest of life? eh. who knows. if you do, please, do enlighten me. i'd love a deep conversation about this kinda stuff. i'm about sick of all the other conversations right now.

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