growing up is icky sometimes.

ooh ooh, excitement! people are ....wait for it..... following me! and in turn i can follow them, now that i know they exist! its like one big stalker circle where everyone can follow everyone around forever and ever! wooh!

and with the word "wooh" i am sadly brought to the topic of my mother. again.
"wooh" reminded me simply because i said "woot" rather unenthusiastically when she said something i was supposed to be excited about, but clearly wasnt. i cant remember what it was, but when i responded with a dull "woot", mom turned to me with a funny look on her face and was like "what does that mean?" My dad, who is slightly less out of it than her, looks up from his book and says "Christy, it means 'whippie.'" he made sure to say it with a look that made it clear he was holding back laughter. she is such the joke of the family. always out of the loop, with the illusion of control.

sadly, she actually does have some control, since she grounded both my brother and me for a week. dad, who felt out pain but could do nothing about it but turn a blind eye, strangely seemed to disappear whenever visitors came over during this grounding. he is so helpless - subject to the woman, the queen of the house. we men never do anything at all apparently. she came home and all the things she didnt tell us to do werent done! so naturally, we were grounded for not balancing our lives correctly. all play and no work, she said. now, to be fair, she's quite right. i avoid work whenever possible until the very last possible minute, but she didnt exactly tell us to accomplish anything that day. so we both went out and played. hung out with friends. went out to eat. all the things teenagers do during the summer. but can we get away with normal things? surely not in the household my mother upholds. normal... what an absurd thought. we cant be normal, no sir. thats simply not permitted. we must rise above normal blah blah blah blah.

we've probably all heard the speech. i won't reiterate.

but theres a second part to all this that you dont know about. my mother is a dreadful grounder. a little sweet talking and begging here and there goes a long way. her mind says be mad, but her heart wont let her keep her promised grounding for more than a day or two. so by saturday, she tentatively approved things like birthday parties and hanging out with friends and just plain leaving the house.

my whole family gives off a slowly fading image of perfection. we used to eat together every night at the dinner table and talk about our days and all that. my parents always smiled and complimented each other and the two sons; we all got along great. now its becoming clear that perfection is not the word for our family. it could be that our family is falling apart slowly, but i think its more that i'm just getting older and more objective about things, instead of accepting that mommy and daddy are faultless gods. now little kyle can see how mad mommy gets when daddy runs to his friends house 3 times in a week to have fun, since he clearly doesnt have any when he's under her Nazi rule in his own house. and little kyle can see the impatience mounting in mommy whenever a nasty kid leaves another sock in the kitchen or another shoe by the door, and that she's always preparing to go volcanic on those bratty kids again if she finds just one more... but mostly, what i've come to realize is that its not mommy and daddy, as a single. but mom and then dad, two very different people with different views and different friends and philosophies and roles. apparently, they either used to agree on everything, or they compromised behind the kids' backs and came to some agreement and enforced together. its the perfect plan... till the kid catches on. then it looks more like dad is reluctantly following the nazi's orders and the nazi has shamefully realized that she hates herself for being so controlling.

anyway, these are the musings of a sleep deprived teenager, so try not to analyze them too much or anything, but you gotta admit. its got some truth. your family is probably similar. maybe flip flop the roles, maybe take away a kid or add a few, but i think that from the kids perspective, all families stop being perfect as you grow up and become self aware. parents arent just parents; theyre people too. and even people with steady jobs and a secure home and mostly stable family have problems that they cant always hide. even to their own kids, eventually.

update?

I dont really know what i'm supposed to write anymore. i dont have any particularly insightful rants right now, i dont really have any drama, i dont even have homework to bitch about right now. i dont have a poem, story, or song. i dont have a fun story. but i feel like i should write something. its been too long since i've said anything. and everytime i get on the computer, i feel guilty because i see my little blogspot icon and it reminds me i havent writen anything lately. That one over there? Yeah, that little bugger is a demonic little reminder. the facebook button over to its left is very distracting during homework too....

anyway, i clicked it finally, and here i am. and now i realize that i just dont have anything to write about except not knowing what to write about. coincidentally, thats exactly what i did for SAT the first time... i wrote about not knowing what to write about on the SAT. kinda ironic, but it was fun to write. if i can get a grader to give me 5 out of 6 on that, the same concept should work here, right?

ok maybe not. but apparently, it held their attention pretty well. i guess i'll think of something then, huh?
...ok how about a few shorties?

• its tuesday night right now. its summer. neither of my parents are home. its fairly awesome outside. i could be doing a million different things, but i'm here on my computer? lame.
• summer school started today. my teacher isnt exactly what i expected at all. she's fairly young, a bit attractive, and has one heck of a bubbly personality. she kinda looks and acts like lauren lyssy (dont let that inadvertent comment go to your head, lauren) actually, its scary how much she looks and acts like lauren. they could be long lost twins if it wasnt for the age difference.
• last night was fun. a heck of a lot more fun than tonight is anyway. i was with other people last night. friends and more-than-friends make my world keep spinning. if i had no friends, i seriously could not keep living. i'd off myself in minutes. i live for friends. its all redundant, but i cant say it enough ways. thank you all for being my friends, it literally means the world to me.
  
• i got a new radio receiver for my car radio. it was much in need. the cd player didnt work, it didnt get loud enough, i couldnt hook my ipod up to it.....now i have a functional cd player, a volume knob that is more than suffcient, and i can hook my ipod up to it in multiple ways. not to mention, it looks a hell of a lot better than the stock deck and i have a remote! i can sit on the booth seat in the back and change the song. its amazing.
  
• our family at long last invested in a blu ray player. my dad got tired of dealing with the ancient dvd player. plus, the new player has internal wifi, so it gets netflix wireless. its completely self-sufficient. kinda awesome. only one problem. the ancient television only has one 1080i input, so we cant have HD fios channels and a full quality blu ray player. its stuck on like 400 something - a third (ish) of the quality it should get.....but it still looks sexy sitting up there on the tv.
  
• my dad has decided the TV goes next.
  
• tim got a girlfriend. yes, she really exists this time.
• i should be following shortly behind him, if nothing odd happens. but then again, thats the story of my life, isnt it? something is bound to go horribly wrong, just when it seemed like my head was surfacing from the pool of high school drama. the evil beast will get my leg and pull me back under. lets hope not this time? i think so.
• quick poll: does kyle sing? i didnt think so! but apparently, someone thinks i can. karen (from church) has been trying to get me to sing in chruch - like, not just sing along, but lead it with the mic and everything - and she finally got to barry and he got to me and now i'm singing in church on sunday. i reluctantly said ok. i'm still very close to refusing. i'm not as outgoing as i seem. i'd rather retain my dignity, but i guess i get to see if i actually can sing or not. i guess i've always just said i cant and stopped any conversation leading toward a demonstration. ive never really tried. this should be interesting, no?
• i read the twilight series. yes, its true. a while ago, i was listening to a twilight conversation, shortly after the movie came out, i guess. and they were all talking about how amazing edward was and blah blah blah, and i just laughed at them, mentioned something about a gay vampire princess, and went along my way. what all normal males do, yes? anyway, they laughed back at me, telling me how i just didnt understand and i just didnt get it and i was ignorant and stupid, etc. well that got to me. so i decided i'd read the stupid gay vampire books so i could then intelligently insult the books. i could make informed, smart statements about just how idiotic bella was and how overdone it all is. and yes, thats all true, but after reading them......i gotta say, i liked them. they were written really well. i definitely recommend them to any guy who refuses to look at them on simple principle like i was. yes, the first book could be titled 'fawning over edward cullen's beauty', but by the last book, she stops mentioning how hot he is every page and keeps it down to about once or twice a chapter. by the last book, its more action than romance, and it definitely didnt suck.
  
• Harry Potter VI comes out in theaters in a week. anyone up for midnight IMAX?
• does anyone have a speech 1311 text book they want to sell me?

wow, i guess there is a lot going on in my life. just not enough of one thing to take up a whole blog entry. i guess this worked out ok.

this one doesnt tell me how many views i have like myspace did... sad face.
just how many people are following me (that sounds creepy....)
so if you arent yet, be a 'follower' of me, just so i know you exist.

something to think about:

----------

Twice upon a time in the valley of the tears
An auctioneer is bidding for a box of fading years
And the elephants are dancing on the graves of squealing mice.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

And the ice creams are all melting on the streets of bloody beer
While the beggars stain the pavements with flourescent Christmas cheer
And the Bentley-driving guru is putting up his price.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

And the prophets in the boutiques give out messages of hope
With jingle bells and fairy tales and blind colliding scopes
And you can tell they're all the same underneath the pretty lies.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

The yellow Buddhist monk is burning brightly at the zoo
You can bring a bowl of rice and then a glass of water too
And fate is setting up the chessboard while death rolls out the dice.
Anyone for tennis, wouldn't that be nice?

-Eric Clapton

----------

los libros.

actually, let me fix that: books. I'm not in spanish ever again, and would really like to block all those painful memories, which i guess includes any and all spanish words.

right, so. books. topic of the boring night. (at least, I'm bored....and chances are, if you're reading, you are too, and its probably night, but i can't be sure... IM me if I'm right, for fun, just because I'll probably still be bored. sugarboy234 on AIM.) not like, textbooks or historical autobiographies or anything like that. i'm talking about fictional prose meant to entertain. harry potter, lord of the rings, that kinda thing.

i don't know if you're a big book fan. it definitely takes a certain personality to read like i do. once i start a book that i like and havent read before, it consumes me. i spend as much time - on an obsessive scale - as i can reading, ignoring real life, i think about it when i cant be reading, i dream about it if i fall asleep. and I've been thinking about why i like those kinds of books so much, and why i feel like I'm coming off of a high when i finish. (i think i have a myspace post about this...I'm amending it)

when you are reading a book, it is probably in the first person or the third-person limited. we all know first person, but the third person limited is like harry potter, where rowling uses he, she, them, but you still know what harry is thinking and only what harry is thinking. you get insight into his mind and no one else's; he is basically telling the story. but not, because it is a narration instead of a first person account with the I's and the we's. anyway, the fact that most fictitious books have one of those points of view is essential to why i love them. you get to know your protagonist. you get to be inside the head of this fictional character to the point where he or she could be real. the character leaves the book; you can associate a person you know with the character usually, or create one in your mind, but regardless, you always know how they would react to a situation, sometimes better than you know yourself. you're best friends with the character, knowing them inside and out, how they feel about people, how they respond, what they love, hate, do for fun...everything. its so much easier than in real life. it takes no effort to know everything about this person, except the effort to lock yourself in your room "alone" to read. every time i read a book, i feel like I'm in the never ending story, right there with the characters, never alone while engrossed in the book. in real life, you cant just skip the boring parts, like that paragraph that includes "all of the rest of fall semester" or whatever, zooming off to the next important thing in the plot. you have to deal with those agonizingly boring weeks or months when nothing happens if your life is boring, when there is no character development to be done. because of the way the books are written, you're always learning something new about your character, your protagonist, your newest best friend. you never get bored of this person and wish the book could go on longer. in life, things never have that happy ending wrapped in a bow, they never have insightful information. you're always searching for something else, always left in the dark on the important things. you have to search for your own clues. my life in the book is much easier.

not only can you make friends, but you escape from reality. like i said before, you can have a boring life at times. books take you out of your boring life and plop you into a life of meaning and excitement. its almost like a virtual reality, where you can spend hours, and slowly whither away in this real world. personally, i forget to sleep and eat among other things. then you finish the book. suddenly, your time is up and the ride is over. you may be able to hold onto that other world for a little, but life soon begins to tear that from you as you fall back into routine, into normality. whenever i finish a really good book, I'm reminded how very insignificant i am, how i can never make a difference like that protagonist did, even if he was fictitious. I'll never be as charming or intuitive or perfect as some of those characters. i suppose that's the point, after all. who would want to read a book about the average life of some normal kid without any serious problems and no particular purpose? not as many people that want to read about freaking edward cullen, that's for sure.

fiction lets us live the life that we want. it lets us escape from the daily routine, the job we hate, the school work we do reluctantly. it takes us out of that average column and puts us into the extraordinary column, even if its just a glimpse. this is different from comedy. comedy distracts us from our problems. the dramatic fictional stories I'm talking about remove us from the problems, and place us in the life of someone else's, someone who generally overcomes the problems. we like to see that. we like to believe its possible. but as a mostly pointless movie stated, we are the rule, not the exception. we do nothing when we finish that will change us. we simply dream of the change, not implement it. we envision the dream, never actively seek it. and i am reminded of this every time i finish another exhilarating book. it isn't exactly depressing, just a somber reality check.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
-Albus Dumbledore

i remember how much i hate summer now...

ok, so my last few posts - with the exception of that last one - have revolved around never sitting down, never getting any free time. now that summer is here....i suddenly realize that thats total bullshit. sure, i have things here and there that take up some time, but theres more than 4 hours in a day. the rest of it just reminds me how much i dont like summer. sure, you can go hang out with friends and take vacations and all that fun stuff...but what happens when no one can hang out? or no one else is at home but you? what then? well, daytime television, facebook, and halo.

for at least 75% of the day most days during the summer, i live the life of a grown nerd that still lives with his parents and doesnt have a job. i dont know about you, but i definitely feel like i need other plans..

oh oh oh i know! i could get a job!
BUT WAIT. no, i cant.

if you dont know that story yet, basically my mom has decided that my "only job is to do well in school and boy scouts and band and all those areas of your life." and that she will provide me with the money i need, like gas money, lunch money, and some special occasions. but if its the second movie of the month, she hesitates. if i'm going out to dinner, she hesitates. those special occasions are 80 percent of my social life, and i'm not getting the proper funding for them. so can i work part time to pick up the slack? oh no.

but such is life.
.....so i sit.
..........at home.
...............with nothing to do.
....................except work.
.........................but not the kind i get paid for.

sad days. boring summer, when nothing's actually happening anyway. at least school keeps me occupied.

i dont mean to downplay the rest of summer though. the 25% of the time i'm not sitting at home or working, i'm out playing or chilling with friends, and its amazing. that bit of summer kicks any ass you put in front of it. i've already managed to make new friends, get to know people wayy better, and get to become extremely closer with certain friends. i'm not gonna lie, i've done so much in the first week and a half of summer its ridiculous. but most of it, still, has been tv, facebook, and halo, or band.

summer is definitely a double edged sword.

i guess we'll see the sharper side as summer continues, eh?

parent vs. parents

So. I got a sneak peak into the life of a child without a commanding male figure in his life. My dad and my brother went off to missouri for camp for 10 days. My mom went from the identical twin of Hitler to Binky the flippin clown in an hour. I swear, she has the potential to be the coolest parent alive. As long as she knew where I was - ish and some of the people i was with, then it was all good, and there was no curfew, and definitely no bitchiness. it was a dream come true. as long as i got my stuff done, i was golden. hooters? sure! party at some random kid that she doesntknow's house? well ashley will be there, and she knows ashley is little angel child (lol), so of course! going to a movie that starts at 9:30? then going to brian's house and watching two more movies with no idea of when i'm going to think about going home? whatever, just be safe. life was good. think about taking a brand new rubber band and stretching it out to where it gets all white ish and loses that tan rubber look. that was my life. in a good way.

but then the father returned. dun dun DUNNN.

you wouldnt think it could possibly make that big of a difference. but it apparently does, as i recently found out. as dad walked in, i was about to leave. i'm pretty sure i had told her where i was going, what i was doing, and who was going to be there, which was a hell of a lot more than most of the things i left for last week, but she comes and immediately plays 20 questions with my brain. where are you going? when are you going to be back? who's going to be there? what are you doing? are those kids good kids? do i know any of them? are you going to eat there or should i make you something or should you make yourself something or pick something up on the way? do you have money? phone? wallet? keys? and i swear, she finished all these questions in 10 seconds flat. it was quite a feat. as taken aback as i was, i answered the questions and went on my happy way, minus the when are you going to be back one, as i had no idea. i figured it be the same as most of the things i went to last week: 2, 3 ish maybe. we got to andy brown and decided that that wasnt going too well, so we ditched for a more secluded volleyball court in valley ranch. last week, i wouldnt have thought twice about cluing in my mother about this, since she would have been totally fine with whatever, but i held it back this time, since i sensed a disturbance in the force, if you know what i mean... anyway, so around 9 15, as we were starting to swim, my mom calls and tells me its time to come home. uh, wait. what? yes, home. at 9:15? the day just started! there are hours to go! but no, homeward bound i was.

so riddle me this: how did she go from awesome parent to one of two nazi parents? does she feel some need to demonstrate her control over her children to her husband? does she have a need to prove herself? is she trying to uphold some image? is it a pride thing? i don't know. all i know is that when dad came home, mom got bitchy again. she really seemed to enjoy the last ten days, maybe as much as me, if thats possible. some pretty awesome things happened in the last ten days (including, but not limited to: SAT, band camp, and ACT. ok, so there were down times, but the rest was kick ass.) I definitely wouldnt be surprised if they split up as soon as connor was living on his own. as soon as the kids are out, they may just not have any reason to stay together. i know that she knows she's a mean, nasty lady, and i know that she hates it. and over the last week and some, she....wasnt. i dont know what the sudden change is for, but it has something to do with dad being back. its got to.

*confusion*

school: OVER

Ah, at long last, school is out! no more school.

So, free time? not at all.

Graduation is tomorrow. the band is playing.
Trumpet initiation grows ever nearer. must get ready.
SAT is this weekend. must study.
Freshman Camp is next week. must call freshmen and tell them what they need.
and on and on...you've heard it all before.

i'll tell you what... its hard to do it all. i mean, i can understand being like, homecoming king and doing it all...or being like, sumner warren and doing basically everything, leaving no time for anything else except press conferences. but no. i'm kyle. i'm a section leader, the leader of my boy scout troop, trying to please my parents with a good SAT and ACT score, trying to help my parents financially with getting eagle scout, and i'm looking at actually being in a few clubs next year. and no one knows me. i'm the janitor - always needed and never rewarded with lauding. never noticed, never mentioned. but always needed. always required. but who is kyle? who knows. who cares. things get done. who does them? that kid. which kid? who cares; he does it. we dont need the details, kyle, just get it done like usual. choice? what choice? you dont get a choice. reward? we thought you just enjoyed it. the others just get attention because they're special. lets just not worry about you. just get it done.

i of course compensate by having a silly aura where ever i go to lighten the load. i keep things entertaining at my own cost though, because now people associate me with that stupid kid, that dumb kid, that kid that will do anything for a laugh, even if it could kill him. that kid that speeds. that weird kid that talks too much. i know them all. i know i'm a goof. i screw around and get in trouble and speed and talk and do stupid things and then talk some more. i know. but its not who i really am, and if you know actually know me, then you know that. most dont think i have the capability of being serious.

the worst part isnt actually what they think though. its what they tell me. most think whatever they say doesnt get to me, since i laugh with them at me or shrug it off. just little things, like "oh, its just because you're kyle." or "oh kyle, you so would do something like that." or "oh its ok because its kyle." they may not seem like much, but one after another from everyone after a few years gets to me. do they not see it getting to me? are they really that oblivious? or do i hide it that well? i doubt i hide it, so they must just be oblivious to my response. are all people really that self centered? me included? do i really ignore what other people think and feel and how they react? do you? take a day and really focus on people's facial expressions and actions and try to match them with thoughts and internal reactions. its kinda amazing how much you dont realize you're missing until you pay close attention to everyone. especially your better friends, who you thought you knew. get passed the smile. read between the lines. that smile isn't real. look at his eyes, you can see right into them, and he is scared - scared you'll do exactly that and see the real him. he hides behind that smile, uses it as a mask. it fools most, but you can see it in his split second reactions when you tell him something; he drops his guard for an instant, but then regains composure. and even once the smile is back, you can still see signs of it. you can see it in his eyes - through his eyes - and in his body language. you just have to search a little farther than skin deep.

looking at the world objectively is a beautiful thing. take your biased, personal emotions out of it and just look at what is in front of you. you wont just get insight into what everyone else feels and thinks... you'll get some insight into your own life as well. try it.

anyway, its summer. i'm gonna go sleep while i still can.

last week of junior HELL.

well well well.

so its officially the beginning of the end. its 12 o clock the morning of monday, which is the first day of the last week of school. wooh?

school is already out in my mind. i have 1 real final, and thats math. if i fail...whatever. i wont. i'll cheat or something. it doesnt much matter to me. all i know is that i failed to study at all, due to state. (by the way, in case you were wondering, i made a II, along with the rest of the world) the other final i'm not exempt from is physics, but everyone knows about that one....its a scavenger hunt that is due the morning of the exam day, so you dont have to stay for his exam. more importantly, HE doesnt have to stay for his exams. he shows up in the morning, collects finals, and leaves. pretty smart guy. he sure can cheat a system.

but he actually gets paid. we students cheat all day long, and all we get out of it is a lousy education. he cheats and still gets a salary. so not fair...... someday, kyle, someday...

anyway, the rest of the time i just dont have to show up. except for physics on tuesday. which blows. but thats life. other than those short bits of 'school', its all done. band is of course still doing graduation, which is wednesday, but other than that, its just getting ready for summer.

which is:

1. study like crazy for SAT - alone and without my tutor guy, since my mom wont pay him more money. thats this saturday. wooh...wish me luck.
   
2. study like crazy for ACT - which i havent looked at at all, since my tutor guy (who was supposed to teach SAT and ACT) didnt cover it at all. so i'm basically completely unprepared for it.
3. be section leader. this means head up initiation, which is this next thursday/friday morning. it also means moving out of the band hall on friday, going to leadership meetings on friday and saturday, and going to fish camp the next week, while i'm supposed to be studying for ACT
4. being a boy scout. i'm still SPL, which means i'm still in charge of 100 scouts every tuesday night. summers a bit more chill, but that just means i have to turn my attention to my eagle project, which is getting a bit drastic, timewise.
   

other than those four, i have to find time for hanging out with friends and girlfriend so my social life doesnt get shot to pieces over the summer. then i get to look forward to camp and then summer school and then summer band. wooh.

at least i wont get busy, right?