sigh

I felt like this needed its own post, instead of being clumped up in one of my novelistic 'life update' rants.

I think I really like a girl.

I debated with myself on that sentence for a lot longer than I wanted to. I almost said 'love,' but that sounds dramatic and I'm not sure I really do. Let's be real - what the hell do I know about love? My dating history says I don't know jack shit, and I've accepted it, but this feels different.

She doesn't know, and it's better that way, as she isn't exactly available... in fact, she and him were together long before I knew either of them existed. Of course, this doesn't stop me from teeming with happiness whenever I see her. I think that's the best way to put it. I can't help but to smile when she's around.

Worse yet, I have reason to believe - from her - that there could have been something, given that her boy never existed. I wish I could go into more detail than this silly 'she and him' and vagueness that surrounds this whole topic, but if the wrong person found this blog, which is painfully public sometimes, this would all be out in seconds, and everyone involved is too close to me. With even the littlest clue, anyone that knows her would be able to tell who it is. So I stay general.

She's not another Ashley, not another Allison, not another Katherine, or Kathy, or Cate, and certainly not another Amanda. Or any other girl I've ever dated. She's so much more.... there's just not even a word for it. The word 'perfect' sounds a little too cheesy and mushy, and the word 'awesome' loses its touch when you start calling things like your new shirt 'awesome'. I don't know. Everything about her is just right. I'd start listing, and I'm certainly capable, but that's too specific for this cautious post.

I'm happy for her, but I can't help to be jealous of him. And while a little part of me is completely sick for wishing they would break up, I know what it would do to her, and moreover, it's not going to happen, and everyone knows it, so somehow I have to deal.

I don't blame him for staying with her. I just wish it were me.