just...stuff

I don't really know what I want to say in this post. Nothing exciting is happening, so there's nothing too cool to talk about. But... I don't know... I need to express myself somewhere, and this is my outlet. This blog is where I vent, and it's so appropriately named for my constant rambling.

Every once in a while I should probably take a step back and decide what I'm doing with this blog. I only have 14 followers, so it's not like I'm doing this for other people's benefit (not to say I don't appreciate all my followers and love that you guys care what I say. Thanks to all of you a million and two times). I like to think of this as my place to say whatever I want and not be judged. Or be judged and just not care. This is my little fulfillment of that 3 year old instinct to be the center of attention. This blog is where I can post funny things, talk about sad thoughts, entertain odd ideas, ramble about my day, and just generally talk. I don't do that anymore. In high school I had a group of friends that generally thought the same way I did and we could all ramble together and get each other just fine; we'd find something funny and everyone else thought it was just as funny. Now, it's like I don't have any friends who think the same way I do, save one, and he gets the full force of my ramblings. And even he isn't quite the same as my old group.

( I really don't even know what I'm saying. I had this same problem in high school; its just worse now. Maybe I'm making all this up. I don't know.)

I have 'friends' here at Baylor, but they're just friends of convenience. My roommates, a few classmates, some friends that are really Ethan's... but no one I confide in. No one I can sit and talk to about a personal problem I'm having. Ethan's basically it. Ethan and you, who willingly listen to me talk about whatever I feel like, which very often includes personal issues of mine.

Where I go wrong is when I start to treat this blog more like a personal diary than a place to rant in public for others. I stop talking about myself and start to talk about other people. I don't mind telling you guys about my problems; I like that people listen. I forget, occasionally, that others don't appreciate being so transparent. I overlook the concept of privacy, forgetting that anyone can come read this thing. I like sharing my thoughts on here, but sometimes - I now realize - I just shouldn't.

I talk about currently sensitive subjects, like fights or people I'm mad at, that deserve closer attention and more privacy than a public blog for all of Earth to come read. In this place of my musings and rants and thoughts, I still need a filter.

Anyway, with all that said, I still haven't gotten to the point of the post. I said earlier I need to express myself, even without anything exciting going on. I feel exceedingly lonely. I have an amazing girlfriend. She's my best friend in the whole world and I love her so much... but she goes to school in Arkansas. I see her... not enough. I think I'd be okay if we weren't 5 and a half hours away from each other, but as it is, I'm pretty lonely. She's still there, what with the glory of teh interwebz, but I'm not great with long distance relationships. I don't like them. She's worth every mile of it, but it's not easy on me. I feel like that's going to be the best part about Christmas - being within walking distance of Anna.

But it's not just loneliness that's getting me right now. It's this overpowering lack of happiness. The lonely bit may be a large contributing factor to the unhappy bit, but it's not all of it. At the beginning of the year, it was just lonely. This is something more. I can't pinpoint it though. I'm just not... happy.

I have a friend here. I have a friend back in Coppell. I have a girlfriend in Arkansas. I have great grades, a great schedule. I get to sleep 10 or 11 hours a day - like, my life dream to this point. I have no doubt that I have a major - or at least general study - that I enjoy enough to stick with. Life shouldn't be bad. But... it is. Ideas? Anyone?