Yep, it's that time. It's on my mind because one of my best friends has a roommate that wanted to ask me about what I believed. Am I Christian? No, I'm not.
I'm not a religious person. It's not that I'm one of those angry people that thinks Christianity is stupid. I thought I was Christian for most of high school and the first semester of college, but as I went through college and a small period of self-realization, I admitted to myself that I'm not. That admission didn't come lightly. I was raised as a Christian, and that's not something that just leaves you. My parents are Christian, but they aren't super religious or spiritual, and they didn't push religion on me, and I thank them for that. The church I went to, however, started asking the hard questions. The people who were outwardly and wholly Christian - not to say my parents aren't - were the people I started talking to. I got scared of being judged for my doubts, and covered them up. I learned all the right answers, I knew what Christianity was. But I couldn't make myself have faith.
My personal belief, and that of many Christians, is that the thing that makes a person Christian is absolute faith that God is not only there, but that He loves you so much that he is willing to put aside the fact that people suck and forgive you of all your sins and let you have eternal, glorious life, and all you have to do is ask in earnest. And that's where I fall short. It's not that I dislike Christianity. I wish I had that kind of faith. But I know myself, and I know that I cannot say honestly that I believe He's up there. I have no reason to. I tried for years to be Christian. I prayed. I talked to God. I asked every day for some sign that I wasn't talking to myself. And it never came. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't make myself have faith.
Do we have any Doctor Who fans in the crowd? If you really want to see what faith looks like, go watch Doctor Who, season 2, epidsode 4 or 5, depending on if you count the Christmas special as part of the season... regardless, the episode is called The Girl In The Fireplace. That chick had faith. And she had good reason to. The Doctor saved her from the bad guy when she was a child and again as a young adult. She had a steadfast faith that he would save her again when she was in dire need. And of course she was right to believe that. We have the Bible. We read the Bible, and it tells us of all the times God stepped in and saved us. That's what we have to base our faith on. A book. A book that tells us that its tale is fact and that this is same God we pray to. It's not enough for me. There has to be something more. That something more, my friends, is the holy spirit. It's what breathes faith in us and gives us hope in God.
I don't have it. Never, in my years of trying, was there a response. No inkling of two way communication. Other people claim to have a two way communication. They start sentences with "I feel like God was telling me that...." and that's great. Sure, there's that chance that they're hearing what they want to hear, but there's a chance that it really is God talking to, and then through, them. It's not my place to judge them and decide which it is. All I know is that if I said the same thing, I'd be lying. God isn't telling me anything.
Without that, I can't with every part of my being say I believe in God. Do I deny the existence of God? Of course not. I just can't say He's there without a doubt. Should there ever come a day that God gives me a heads up, I could change my answer happily. But I'm done trying. It got me nowhere except in a church living a lie. I'm not Christian, and I accept that. The worst people on this planet are the ones that don't admit to themselves that they don't have faith. The ones that just keep living the lie. The ones that go on Christmas and Easter and have a Bible stashed away on a shelf somewhere and say they're Christian. I have no respect for those people. I was one of those people, and then I changed. I realized, its okay that I'm not Christian, and I should stop trying to act like I am.
So instead, I choose not to think about it. Not let it worry me or make me feel guilty or stressed. I know for a fact that if God exists and wants me to be Christian, I will be someday. If both of those are true, then I have no doubt that God will take care of the doubts I have in someway. And when that day comes, if it comes, I will be more than happy to call myself Christian when I really am one. But right now it's not up to me. I don't get a say in what God does. I'm done trying, because I know that there's nothing I can do. And that's okay. I'm patient. I'm content with life right now, even though I recognize how awesome it could be with that faith. If it never happens, if God never comes to get me, I'm okay with that too. I've just put it out of my mind and focused on living life. I'm a happier person now that I stopped pretending to be something I'm not.
Anyway, that's my religion story. Hope you enjoyed. And really, feel free to comment.
